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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder wtaf is wrong with my MiL?

85 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 06/02/2017 22:42

She has form for quite a bit of nasty selfish behaviour, particularly round the dc. Quite controlling.

Her latest thing is to describe me as 'mean and spiteful' to dd. Admittedly dd is only 1 but it still annoys me and sometimes ds is there too and he is 7.

She says it in response to such horrors as making dd put a coat on, not allowing her three chocolate biscuits, closing the stair gate so she can't keep climbing the stairs, putting her in her car seat...
MiL will say 'ahhh has nasty spiteful mummy strapped you in?' 'Has nasty spiteful mummy stopped you eating biscuits?' Her other favourite - if dd cries in response to any of the above - is to say 'has mummy made you cry? You've made her cry now, ahhh and she was all happy. You've gone and upset her.'

Just fuck off! Every time I see her I can feel my blood pressure rising. There's no reasoning with her. It's futile.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/02/2017 23:32

Refuse to see her. Refuse to oet your children see her. Tell your DH he is being fucking stupid if he can't see that his bloody mother knows exactly what she is saying. Spiteful bitch!

Reply "oh is mean and spiteful nanny spouting her crap again about mummy, what a nasty witch she is" and see if your DH says you just being tactless.

Wdigin2this · 06/02/2017 23:36

So, what is the children's father doing about his mother's behaviour!

Foxysoxy01 · 06/02/2017 23:38

Wow she is quite clearly being a spiteful old cow!

It's not being tactless it's premeditated and verging on emotional abuse for your DC and certainly bloody rude to you.

How on earth does you DH think that her behaviour is remotely acceptable?

I'm afraid she would not be seeing my DC and I would be kicking up quite a stink about her shitty attitude.

DJBaggySmalls · 06/02/2017 23:44

Thats not just tactless, its malicious. Stamp on it, dont back down. Your DH needs to step up.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2017 23:54

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. If I were you, I would tell your DH, that until you and he, have sorted this out with your MIL, the children won't be seeing her. What a horrible woman, putting you down, definitely trying to gain favour with your children. She needs pulling up on this one, big time.
I really feel for you Skating, how demeaning.

splendidglenda · 07/02/2017 00:08

Tbh, I found this quite disturbing. She really needs to stay away!

LoupGarou · 07/02/2017 00:09

God I hate this passive aggressive crap!

I had it for a very short time with the checkout assistant in the grocery store (small remote community). Every time, "awww isn't mommy being a meanie" etc etc when I wouldn't let DS have things he was seriously allergic too.
One day she went into her passive aggressive bullcrap rant again. I was in the middle of a round of chemo, feeling crap and my temper pretty frayed, so I said, loudly in a cheery and educational voice "look DS, do you see this lady, this one here? This is a rude lady, she has no manners".

At least she never did it again.

splendidglenda · 07/02/2017 00:10

Definitely malicious. For you, OPFlowers

HoHumming · 07/02/2017 00:14

I read your post with interest. My sister does this to me in front of my children. It really upsets me.

She also tries to 'put me down' in front of them pretty much every time we see her. If my youngest cries, my sister will rush in to say 'just like your mum always did, she was a crybaby'.

My DH told me to ignore it, but ignoring it doesn't make it stop and all my life I have tried to ignore her being really quite mean to me 'you wouldn't be on my radar and certainly not my friend if you weren't my sister' type of thing. I always ignored it.

Now that I have children, I see it as being spiteful and trying to get a dig in constantly. I don't really know why except we have different personalities although I can't see any reason why she can't be relatively pleasant. I talk to her but would never confide in her as learned over the years, it will get thrown back in my face.

It is very sad considering we are both in our forties.

happymumof4crazykids · 07/02/2017 00:15

I've had this with my Pil they were telling my children I was a horrible mummy for dressing/changing/bathing them when they were babies. I let it go for ages then one day I just got so fed up of it. My youngest started to cry when she saw my fil so I said awww horrible gramps has made you cry with his nasty face! Mil said that's an awful thing to say. I took great delight in pointing out they did similar constantly about everything I did. They never ever said it again. Smile

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/02/2017 01:07

On what planet could anÅ·body think that is ok

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 07/02/2017 01:15

'Is Mummy a meanie making you wear your coat?' is surely a joke. Granny knows coat needs to be put on but is referring to baby's outrage at such (reasonable) behaviour.

By all means ask her to stop if you don't like it but I think it's a (tactless) joke rather than being deliberately undermining of you.

ScarlettFreestone · 07/02/2017 01:30

DoNotBlame not it's not a joke. I've been in the receiving end of this kind of "joke" when my DC were little.

I'm no longer sleep deprived and hormonal but I still don't find it funny.

OP The only reason she keeps doing this is because no one is challenging her.

Challenge it Every. Single. Time.

Quietly and politely but firmly:

"Why do you think it's appropriate to call me nasty and spiteful to my child?"

"How do you think it makes me feel when you accuse me of making my baby cry,"

"It's not a joke. Please never say that again"

"it doesn't matter if you think I'm over reacting/too sensitive/have no sense of humour. This is my child and I'm in charge.

Don't argue about it. There is no argument - you are in charge. If they can't behave appropriately they don't get to visit.

FeralBeryl · 07/02/2017 01:43

I've posted this before as my MIL used to be the same (although not quite as spiteful)

If being narrated whilst changing nappies 'oh isn't mummy cruel making you cry and so mean. I'll protect you from horrid mummy etc.
I eventually bit and would retort ' yes, cruel mummy wants to have you clean and fresh without getting a painful, irritated bum from sitting in your own shite for hours as the process upsets you Grin

It's difficult to find the confidence, especially with your first child when you constantly doubt yourself.
Try try try to ignore her and roll your eyes, if you can't - then go down the passive aggressive retort route.
'Yep DC, evil old me is putting your coat on to keep your body at an acceptable temperature in the cold weather'

PrincessPeach08 · 07/02/2017 02:06

God she sounds delightful Hmm If she is happy to say things like this infront of you, what would she say if you weren't there? 123rds response is perfect.

HenriettaH · 07/02/2017 02:32

It doesnt sound like she means to be demeaning. It sounds like she is being jokey... but the mummy is taking it in another context. Instead of being confrontational to your childs grandmother and your husbands mother...why not simply say in a calm tone " I know you dont mean anything by saying I'm a 'nasty spiteful mummy ' and I know you say it jokingly, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Could you say something else a little less about mummy please?" Then have a little grin on your face so that you can resolve the matter calmly with the honey approach instead of the hammer approach. I'm sure you will gain more respect that way and she will appreciate your calmness and will likely be more likely to see where she is going wrong with what she is saying. Even though I think its more a case of her joking with baby... if asked nicely she will react nicely.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/02/2017 08:06

Your DH sounds like a coward. He should be standing up to his mother for you and his DC, not enabling her bizarre behaviour!

BewtySkoolDropowt · 07/02/2017 08:21

'oh isn't granny* being very silly to think that I'm wrong to make sure you are safe /healthy. Of course making sure you grow up happy and well is my biggest priority. Isn't is a shame that granny doesn't think your safety /health is important? '.

*for granny use her least favourite term for grandmother

OnTheUp13 · 07/02/2017 08:31

My MIL does the same thing. She also follows it up with "bad mummy!"

DH said she was "joking". I had to step back and really look at the whole situation. He has been manipulated by her his whole life. When I studied her I realised why she spoke to me like this.

She has 4 kids to her DH. My DH being the eldest. My DH was beaten by his dad, she knew and never did anything about it. She allowed my DH to walk around on a broken ankle for 5 weeks before she took him to hospital. Her husband then went to prison for a bit for GBH. Her husband beat her, had affairs and she never did anything about it. DH used to cry and hide when his dad came home from work because he was so scared. This has left him with PTSD & other issues. The abuse only stopped when my DH was 17 and attacked his dad back.

The reason my MIL tells my Dd that I'm an awful mother etc is because she knows she failed my DH & her other children and she needs to make herself feel better.

I explained this to my DH. It took him a long time but after a while he started to see her for what she is. Now when she makes these comments most of the time we say nothing. But occasionally one of us will challenge her. But now I mostly pity her. And more importantly it's allowed my DH to grieve for his lost childhood.

IAmNotAUserNumber · 07/02/2017 08:34

So have you spoken to her?

P1nkP0ppy · 07/02/2017 08:39

Sounds like something my late MIL would have said, DH would never believe me.
I simply refused to allow her anywhere near the children as much as I could - interestingly she would be all sweetness and light in front of DH or visitors, the hypocritical cow 😡
Goodness knows how I managed to nurse her when she was dying.......

DeeDee3311 · 07/02/2017 08:47

Of course there's malice in it! She's undermining you OP, she's getting a way with it and you are letting her!

My mil tried this with me. I sat, I put up with for 3 solid months. I dreaded every occasion we saw her (weekly basis) my DP passed it off as 'excitement' blood excitement?! In the end she took it so far that I cracked and so did DP. We told her to shut up with the comments and you no what her response was? 'Nope, I'll talk about it every day'. She didn't half get it from me, we cut the weekly visits down and she hasn't gone there since, she knows not to!

There's no point in you biding time, riding it out etc, because she will continue to do this and will only up her game if she sees it going over your head. She sounds like an absolute piece of work. Who does this?! Oh yeah MILS, and the anti MIL parade on here wonder why they get so much stick.

MollyHuaCha · 07/02/2017 08:47

I have seen this before - esp with older people. It's not meant in a mean way, it's actually a joking way of speaking where the MIL wants to show the child she is on their side. It also kind of makes the assumption that the child either understands it's a joke or is too young/lacking in language skill/stupid to understand anything at all. She prob doesn't realise what her words sound like. I remember when I was about to change DS1's nappy, my mum said to him in a singsong baby voice, 'You are a dirty, DIRTY boy, how cd you do such a horrible thing in yr nappy?'. She wd also use the same baby voice to run me down in her joking way, 'Mummy is a BAD Mummy for not letting you crawl near the fire' etc. Really got on my nerves and I never said anything. These days I have more confidence and I would do what Henrietta says.

DeeDee3311 · 07/02/2017 08:50

Another idiot that I've recently had to cut completely out of my life due to her spitefulness said to my 10 month old when I wouldn't give her anymore water because she was drinking so much of it and literally throwing up 'naughty, silly mummy well smack her bottom' I just laughed and said 'Christ!' Got up and went in the kitchen to get myself a drink.

Some people are awful.

diddl · 07/02/2017 08:53

How can calling someone nasty & spiteful ever be a joke?

I can almost get "won't mean mummy let you have sweets"?-in a pathetic voice.

But anything else-just why?

Why do it at all?

If you stop seeing her, would your husband still take the kids to see her & would she still make digs about you?

That's something that would worry me tbh.

Perhaps best just to say something everytime.

The kids have to know that she can't talk about you like that.

HoHum-why do you see your sister?