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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder wtaf is wrong with my MiL?

85 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 06/02/2017 22:42

She has form for quite a bit of nasty selfish behaviour, particularly round the dc. Quite controlling.

Her latest thing is to describe me as 'mean and spiteful' to dd. Admittedly dd is only 1 but it still annoys me and sometimes ds is there too and he is 7.

She says it in response to such horrors as making dd put a coat on, not allowing her three chocolate biscuits, closing the stair gate so she can't keep climbing the stairs, putting her in her car seat...
MiL will say 'ahhh has nasty spiteful mummy strapped you in?' 'Has nasty spiteful mummy stopped you eating biscuits?' Her other favourite - if dd cries in response to any of the above - is to say 'has mummy made you cry? You've made her cry now, ahhh and she was all happy. You've gone and upset her.'

Just fuck off! Every time I see her I can feel my blood pressure rising. There's no reasoning with her. It's futile.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 07/02/2017 08:55

Your DH is wrong - it's not tactlessness, it's horrible and divisive. What's it going to be like when the kids are old enough to play 'divide and rule' with more sophistication?

Nip it in the bud now.

Paddingtonthebear · 07/02/2017 08:56

WTF.

No way would I have her around my kids if she spoke in that way.

Just tell her to fuck off!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 07/02/2017 08:58

What a fucking vile woman. Of course it's malicious. If you must say something, 123rd s response is spot on, but tbh I wouldn't be letting her near my children. How fucking dare she say things like that about you to them? Who does she think she is?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/02/2017 09:00

Your MIL is sneaky and nasty, no its not tactless, she knows very well what she is doing, very PA. I would not allow her around the children, and I would speak back to her.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/02/2017 09:01

Definitely call her on it..... AND GET your husband's support....any intervention will fall to pieces if he overtly /covertly gives the message that this is ok!

1st time: I know I haven't said before, but please don't talk about my like that, it upsets me and is not good for the kids to hear about their mum. If it continues ill have to revise how and when the kids see you.

2nd and subsequent times: don't speak to/about me like that. ....

Then if there are no changes just refuse to be in her company.. Until she gives an undertaking not to behave like this!

She's not showing any signs of being bored with this ludicrous behaviour!

Good luck!

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 07/02/2017 09:03

Ugh. Had very similar with now ex MIL. I bit back. She used to also love referencing my age in her spitefulness implying that's why I'm apparently a pisspoor mother (21 when I had my first child hardly that young and bloody uncalled for anyway) so I used to use words like 'doddery', 'elderly' and occasionally "I think granny's going a bit perculiar in her old age". I also frequently reminded her about the time the 2 lovely ladies in the restaurant thought MIL was my granny therefore DCs great granny she is very vain, obsessed with how people look and it totally served her right. I'm not sorry. She said some spiteful nasty things over the years and due to her obsession with everyone's dress size and weight given my now pre teen daughter a horrible complex about how her body looks/is supposed to look.

Really you've got to watch people like this because they don't seem to realise or care about the damage they can potentially do with their nasty spiteful comments. ExMIL never referenced DDs body shape it was always digs at mine (pretty normal mostly) but DD grew up listening to all the nasty digs and it's a battle to get her to see past it.

jacks11 · 07/02/2017 09:08

I don't think it's a tactless joke, especially if said frequently. Calling a child's mother spiteful and nasty in front of a child is never funny. I cannot understand how anyone would ever think it is.

It's not the same thing as a one off, off the cuff remark of "mean mummy, imagine putting your coat on when it's cold!" remark, which is obviously a jokey play-on the fact the child is making a fuss about getting a coat in when it is obviously needed. That is not offensive.

The tone of this suggests, especially as it is used repeatedly, that it is aimed to cause upset. If this is said in front of a child old enough to understand the meaning it is potentially quite confusing for the child that Granny/grandpa or whoever says mummy is doing a bad thing. As the baby obviously cannot understand, it suggests this is aimed at being unpleasant to OP- but OP says she says it front of her 7yo DS too. Not acceptable.

I agree that you need to confront it. I think you need to explain to your DH how upsetting it is, and that you don't think it is a joke. Ask him to speak to her. Or next time she says it I would simply ask her to stop- "MIL please stop saying that, it's not funny and I don't like it". If she persists, I would say something like "why do you think it is appropriate to say that about me in front of my children? Please stop doing that". Any further repetition and I would simply leave/ask her to leave if she is in your home and would not be allowing her back until she had apologised and promised not to do so again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2017 09:10

You need to keep away from her. If she cannot behave decently then do not see her at all. This abusive behaviour should not be at all rewarded by you people having any contact with her. Your children certainly do not need to hear you as their mother being so disrespected by their nan.

BTW what does your H think of his mother?. Presumably he has grown up with all this and to some extent regards it as normal. He could be well in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) state with regards to her (as to an extent you are). Again his own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you.

Controlling behaviour like this is rooted in abuse. You are right in thinking there is intent behind her actions, this is not just a lack of tact.

MockTurtleSoup · 07/02/2017 09:13

The only nasty, spiteful person in this scenario is her. She needs to be challenged on this. If I were you I'd avoid her as much as possible.

phoeb3 · 07/02/2017 09:13

How awful, go nc immediately

GoingSlowly · 07/02/2017 09:14

Both my sister and I have expriened this type of behaviour in varying degrees with our MILs. It's jealousy.
With my MIL I've worked out it has something to do with the fact that she defines herself as the mother figure, who control everything in her kids lives (still, even though her son is now 37). My husband won't ever ever disagree with her. Then along comes another woman, who has influence over her son, so weakens her own influence, and worse, becomes the mother of her grandchildren. She no longer has control and should in theory let you have the final say and make all the decisions with regards to your own children. That does not sit nicely with her view of herself and her own role.

You threaten her own influence and her identity, that's why she's trying to put you down and weaken you. Her attacks basically say - 'I don't like how you are in charge, getting the children to do things you want them to do, so I'm going to make you and myself feel as if I would have done it differently and better'.

You need to challenge her comments and nip this in the bud.

middlings · 07/02/2017 09:17

Got this t-shirt.

And when you challenge it you're told, "I'm only joking" and DH used to tell me not to upset his mother.

So I did it back.

I don't think it's funny, and I don't like doing it but it's amazing how quickly the "you can't take a joke" comments stopped when it turned out that they couldn't either.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 07/02/2017 09:20

Milder adjectives like "naughty mummy", "mean mummy", "horrible mummy" might - if you feel charitable - be social ineptness or thoughtless burble that you're willing to respond kindly to with 'that needs to stop now please' or with 'don't listen to silly/horrible/whatever grandma'.

'Nasty, spiteful mummy' is way out of that league. Those are much more intense, specific adjectives. She is talking to you through your child to give it a veneer of 'jokiness' to get away with it, and there's no way that is brain-not-engaged burbling. I wouldn't retaliate with 'nasty nanna' type things, that just validates it. I would interrupt instantly with a VERY loud
"I BEG YOUR PARDON?" or "EXCUSE ME?" with a death ray stare. Unless she turns red and immediately starts apologising - as someone making an unintentional but very thoughtless and rude faux pas would do - I would then explain very clearly that is absolutely unacceptable rudeness, I won't be putting up with it, I and child will be leaving now. And I'd do that every single time she pulled that crap until she got the message.

If anyone tries minimising and excusing her with 'oh but you know she's tactless' give them a blunt. "Yep, and so am I." If it works as an excuse for her, it works for you too.

HashiAsLarry · 07/02/2017 09:26

123rd has it spot on. As does rumbling, you need to start losing your sense of tact around her. If its excusable for her, its excusable for you.

MadMags · 07/02/2017 09:29

I would say "if you call me names in front of my dc one more time, or try to undermine my parenting, it'll be the last time you see any of us."

And then I would pack up DH's things and tell him to fuck off back to his "tactless" mother.

But then, I don't believe in self-sacrifice for the sake of family harmony!

morningconstitutional2017 · 07/02/2017 09:30

"Is nasty spiteful granny being silly!" could be your response, out loud, after each ridiculous comment.

I'd gnash my teeth whilst fantasising about strangling her.

SpackenDeDoich · 07/02/2017 09:35

She sounds delightful. Spiteful is such a strong and ugly word. Have you told her it upsets you? It would upset me to the point of anger. Where is her son in all of this? He should be stepping up IMHO.

cartismandua · 07/02/2017 09:44

Skating, what you describe is defamation of character through slander. Just because your MIL is 'family' she has got away with it? Woman up, OP, and challenge each and every backhand snipe robustly face to face with DC present, this MIL needs to know you won't take any of it. Plenty of masterclasses on the the subject here if you ask.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/02/2017 09:46

Your DH is a tool if he thinks calling you spiteful is "tactless". It's not fucking "tactless", it's rude and spiteful in itself. What he might mean is that she THINKS you're nasty, mean and spiteful but her TACTLESSNESS is in letting it out of her mouth - when in fact he shouldn't be accepting that she even THINKS that way about you!

I wouldn't have her near the DC either.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/02/2017 09:49

Why do you spend any time with this person (as in does she have any positive points that you would wish to maintain a relationship)?

If DH wants contact, he can organise it and endure enjoy it. You don't have to put up with crappy treatment just because she is a blood relative.

user892 · 07/02/2017 09:50

I don't think your partner knows what the word tactless means.

MissMrsMsXX · 07/02/2017 09:50

She really doesn't like you does she?

I would either say similar back...

like "oh did mean old grandma call mummy vicious names again? Oh don't cry Grandma can't help being unkind"

Or directly tell her it's rude and offensive.

SecondsLeft · 07/02/2017 09:50

Its toxic for your children. Tell her and dh she stops or she does not see you any more.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/02/2017 09:55

Tactless woukd imply it is true but shouldn't have been mentioned!!! It is malicious. Definitely another vite for 123rd's response

JustSpeakSense · 07/02/2017 10:12

She doesn't like you.

Stop spending time with her.

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