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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP's 'best friend' is is ex

82 replies

Cath3081 · 03/02/2017 09:03

Hi there,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma... not sure how to feel about my DP's so called 'best friend'.

Bit of background.... DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm 7 month pregnant with his child. We live together. He has a 'friend' who just happens to be his ex wife. They split about 8 years ago and he's had other relationships since then. He assures me that they are just friends and she is his best/closest friend because they have been through a lot together over the years. He says he sees her as a big sister and its all totally platonic.

They meet up about twice a year for a lunch and chat on the phone about once a month or so. I've never met her and these phone calls always take place when I'm not around. I've said to him that if she's such a good friend, then why haven't I met her? He just changes the topic.

Anyway, it was DP's birthday recently and he told me that his friend had sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but yesterday he asked me to go in to his email to print something off. While I was in his mail, I noticed the happy birthday message and now I'm not sure what to think.

Here's a copy & paste of the message:

Hello Blackcat
Wishing you a very happy birthday - I hope all your dreams come true.
I owe you a posh lunch some place soon... (One of these (Sun)days in the near future).
Even though we are no longer part of each other's day-to-day life, you still hold a very special place in my heart and I am glad to have met you in this lifetime.
Warm hugs,
KAB xox

His reply was:
Thank you!!!! I always appreciate it. Hope to catch up at some point when ever I'm through that way over a Sunday or so when free.
Had a very quiet day yesterday as It's back to work and doing night shift..LOL
Lets Hope 2017 is a Good Year for us all and the new things that are coming our way..
Catchup Soon

Do you think I have anything to worry about here? His response seems okay to me (quite platonic), but I don't like hers - the 'black cat' thing annoys the hell out of me - apparently it's her nickname for him.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 03/02/2017 09:08

I don't see an issue with it at all. I think it's a sign that his a good man, if he wasn't she wouldn't be friends with him after the relationship broke down.

Patienceisvirtuous · 03/02/2017 09:08

It does seem pretty platonic but I wouldn't like it. It does imply a degree of intimacy on her part anyway...

I've no idea what you can do though. Hopefully you'll receive some advice.

Latenightthoughts · 03/02/2017 09:09

No problem with that at all

MrsDustyBusty · 03/02/2017 09:09

I think those messages sound fine, friendly but not too friendly.

NeeNahh · 03/02/2017 09:12

I think that the messages are fine but I think it's a bit odd that he's reluctant for you to meet her.

FearTheLiving · 03/02/2017 09:12

You're definitely the one with the issues.

ambereeree · 03/02/2017 09:12

Messages sound fine. I can understand why he hasn't introduced you tbh. Would be awfully awkward for all of you- especially her as the ex.

KateDaniels2 · 03/02/2017 09:14

Why is this an issue now?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 03/02/2017 09:14

Looks perfectly civil, platonic and friendly to. Me. No undertones.

However, I'd want to meet her too if possible, if they are actually as close as he thinks they are. Totally understand why you'd be worried, but truly that reads like nothing to worry about.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 09:15

She sounds a little over-gushy but tbh I wouldn't think this was anything to worry about on the face of it. They do just sound like good friends, and that, I always think, is actually a nice thing to see in ex-partners.
HOWEVER I do think that it's strange you haven't met her. I think I'd push that point a little more, just say you'd like to know your DP's best friend, I don't think that's weird.

Trifleorbust · 03/02/2017 09:16

Those messages sound...fond. Not passionate, not naughty, not filled with repressed emotion. For now I wouldn't worry about her at all.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 03/02/2017 09:17

I am friends with a couple of exes. The first thing (figure of speech!) I did when I was with now dh is to introduce them...
I can't understand why your DP doesn't. It seems really, really weird to me. Why doesn't he want you guys to meet?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/02/2017 09:18

I would be far more concerned about someone who didn't remain friends with an ex than one who did (normal exclusions applicable).
And in all fairness I would be very reluctant to have someone who indicated they may have jealious traits coming into contact with good and trusted very valued friends.

The entire "sorry but I'm an adult who is entitled to make their own choices regarding friends and I will not allow you to isolate me from people who are a protective factor in my life" is not a great conversation to need to have

user1477282676 · 03/02/2017 09:19

Also looks fine to me and I veer towards being a jealous type if I'm not careful. Honestly just looks like two nice people being nice.

user1477282676 · 03/02/2017 09:20

Oh and one of my most serious exes is also in touch sporardically. We were very good friends and that's hard to erase. I do care about him....but of course I love my DH still.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 03/02/2017 09:20

I think he doesnt want OP to meet her because OP has issues with her clearly, if she didnt why would she go and check the email? Hmm

2cats2many · 03/02/2017 09:20

Those messages sound absolutely fine.

Jealousy is a very powerful emotion, and very corrosive. How are you going to try and manage it?

Waltermittythesequel · 03/02/2017 09:21

I think that's fine!

mumeeee · 03/02/2017 09:26

Those messages are fine. Just nice friendly messages and completely platonic

Bloopbleep · 03/02/2017 09:29

I think the messages are fine but I would want to meet this best friend if she's such an important part of his life. I'm friends with my ex (together 10years) And we regularly meet or hang out but I do always invite the oh along. His gf however never comes and I'm not even sure she knows we meet up which is fine as she quite literally smells. Men are odd.

Snowflakes1122 · 03/02/2017 09:30

If he's giving you access to his email account, I don't think you've anything to be concerned about.

It doesn't sound like he is being secretive.
Unless you were snooping?

GinIsIn · 03/02/2017 09:30

Absolutely fine! The main issue is that you don't trust him to the point you read his emails, not the content of the messages....

Katy07 · 03/02/2017 09:31

Totally nothing to worry about. If anything it's a good thing because her (completely platonic) words show that he's a decent bloke and capable of being a really good friend. Warm hugs is platonic and note that he avoids any reciprocal ending. And using a nickname isn't a big deal (provided it's not sexual obv.)
As for the not meeting her - maybe he doesn't think you'll get on well for whatever reason and doesn't want either of you to feel awkward. Or maybe he just likes having that one part of his life that's his alone?

Katy07 · 03/02/2017 09:32

Those messages sound...fond
Exactly.

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 09:33

Those emails are fine.

And tbh I can understand why he hasn't introduced you. You've looked at an innocent email exchange (by means of snooping) and have decided that you don't like it. I can well imagine that if you met her you'd be questioning the way she looked at him, the way she smiled, the way she laughed at something and wanting to use that as an excuse to demand he end the friendship.

No good can come of this. They are friends. The fact they were once married has no bearing on that, in fact the fact they can remain friends is very much a good thing IMO.

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