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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? DP's 'best friend' is is ex

82 replies

Cath3081 · 03/02/2017 09:03

Hi there,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma... not sure how to feel about my DP's so called 'best friend'.

Bit of background.... DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm 7 month pregnant with his child. We live together. He has a 'friend' who just happens to be his ex wife. They split about 8 years ago and he's had other relationships since then. He assures me that they are just friends and she is his best/closest friend because they have been through a lot together over the years. He says he sees her as a big sister and its all totally platonic.

They meet up about twice a year for a lunch and chat on the phone about once a month or so. I've never met her and these phone calls always take place when I'm not around. I've said to him that if she's such a good friend, then why haven't I met her? He just changes the topic.

Anyway, it was DP's birthday recently and he told me that his friend had sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but yesterday he asked me to go in to his email to print something off. While I was in his mail, I noticed the happy birthday message and now I'm not sure what to think.

Here's a copy & paste of the message:

Hello Blackcat
Wishing you a very happy birthday - I hope all your dreams come true.
I owe you a posh lunch some place soon... (One of these (Sun)days in the near future).
Even though we are no longer part of each other's day-to-day life, you still hold a very special place in my heart and I am glad to have met you in this lifetime.
Warm hugs,
KAB xox

His reply was:
Thank you!!!! I always appreciate it. Hope to catch up at some point when ever I'm through that way over a Sunday or so when free.
Had a very quiet day yesterday as It's back to work and doing night shift..LOL
Lets Hope 2017 is a Good Year for us all and the new things that are coming our way..
Catchup Soon

Do you think I have anything to worry about here? His response seems okay to me (quite platonic), but I don't like hers - the 'black cat' thing annoys the hell out of me - apparently it's her nickname for him.

OP posts:

showmeislands · 03/02/2017 10:44

Those messages sound fine! Friendly and platonic. I think it's a nice thing, though rare, to be able to sustain a friendship with an ex. Although in your position I would definitely have expected to meet her!

I had a close friendship with an ex I broke up with a year or two before I met my husband. Luckily my husband is not at all jealous and was more than happy for us to hang out. They really hit it off and my ex would come visit us for a weekend, or we would go for Sunday lunches together etc. It was really nice. When he got married (small intimate do), we were 2 of only a handful of friends invited. His wife had no issue with our friendship and we all got on really well.

Unfortunately, it all did eventually come to an end when they split and he got an irrationally jealous new girlfriend who insisted he cut contact. By that point I had been married for years & we had been platonic friends for years! It was a pity.

ambereeree · 03/02/2017 10:44

OP has it ever occurred to you that maybe his ex doesn't want to meet you? She may think it's weird and prefer to keep a distance. For all you know your DP may have suggested she meet you and she said no. Also how do you know she isn't in a relationship?

Blossomflowers · 03/02/2017 10:46

My ex is my bf, we have known each other for 20 years. I have no desire to meet his new gf. I see nothing wrong with that message, yes it is quire unusual, you sound jealous.

Somerville · 03/02/2017 10:47

Whilst the actual messages sound platonic to me, isn't it as weird as fuck that he describes his ex-wife as like a big sister?

ArmySal · 03/02/2017 10:53

I think they sound ok really, but as Worra says, bit off copying and pasting the email on here.

Original poster

Cath3081 · 03/02/2017 10:59

Somerville - the big sister thing is probably because she's older than him (although not by much - 5 years) and he goes to her for advice. More recently career advice as he's trying to get a higher paying job now that we have a little one on the way.

She definitely knows about me and the baby, I never really thought that maybe she doesn't want to meet me. He suggested I meet her when we first got together - he say's we've got some similarities and he thinks we'd get on. It's never occurred to me that she may feel that she doesn't want to meet me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cath3081 · 03/02/2017 11:02

Sorry Worra and Army - I guess I wasn't really thinking at the time. I'll try to get their emails deleted. I was just after some advice as I've been irrational and emotional lately and wanted to know if I was wrong to feel slightly jealous of their messages.

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 11:17

Good point, Worra . Dick move OP.

Original poster

Cath3081 · 03/02/2017 11:21

I've asked MN to remove this thread, or at least their emails

OP posts:

ArmySal · 03/02/2017 11:24

No need for the "dick move" comment 15 minutes after OP acknowledged it was wrong

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 03/02/2017 11:25

My best friend is my ex. Was even part of his wedding. Nothing between us at all and both in happy long term relationships with kids( with other people not each other). I can and does work very well. I dont think there is anything to worry about.
My pregnancy did make me all hormonal and paranoid so maybe your pregnancy is now making you look for things that are not there? Maybe speak to DP to clear things up

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 03/02/2017 11:28

Peppa yes, but you were invited to your ex's wedding, the OP hasn't even met her partner's ex/bestfriend.

The circumstances are slightly different...

SparklyUnicornPoo · 03/02/2017 11:30

My ex is my best friend, we send messages like that to each other all the time, so that bits not worrying. And we do tend to chat on the phone when DH isn't around, same as I phone my mum and my sister for a natter when he's out as a) that's when im bored and b) that way he doesn't moan about me talking over the tv. DH tends to call his friends when I'm out too.

What would worry me is you've never spoken to her or met her, best friend met DH as soon as we started getting serious, I've admittedly not met his girlfriend yet as they now live a long way away and I've not seen best friend since before they were going out either but we've chatted on facebook and the phone and next time we meet up she will definitely be invited along.

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 11:33

Not having met each other can be as simple as the fact that they only see each other once or twice a year though. So it's not as if it's a regular thing that you're being excluded from iyswim.

I have a good male friend who I see maybe two or three times a year max. I've been with my DP for four years and they haven't met, purely because we always meet up in London when friend is here for hospital appointments and DP is at work then and we don't live together. There's nothing more sinister in it than that. In fact he never met my eXH either as we used to meet up for coffee during the day, again maybe a few times a year, and before that would meet for lunch at work. He's someone I was at school with many, many years ago and we happened to end up working for the same company after I'd spent ten years living in another country.

If we were meeting up on a weekly or even monthly basis I might suggest we do this over a weekend or similar to allow for him to meet DP, but a couple of times a year which happen only because he's in the area and it's not something I consciously think of neither do I consciously avoid, iyswim.

WannaBe · 03/02/2017 11:36

The big sister comment may be part of the reason their relationship broke down in the first place. How many posts do we see on here from people saying that they're almost like brother and sister rather than lovers and hence the marriage is essentially not a marriage any more/. And as such this is how their relationship/friendship has continued...

BadgersBum · 03/02/2017 11:39

I don't think there's anything going on there, but wouldn't like the 'exclusivity' of their relationship (especially not when there's pregnancy hormones floating around).

Maybe he thinks you'll feel awkward if they sit talking about 'the good old days' with you there?

Does she have a current partner? If so, maybe suggest meeting up as a 4, that way you can get to know her and they can chat without you feeling left out, and without your partner having that awkward 'I've got to keep Cath included at all times' thing.

CripsSandwiches · 03/02/2017 12:34

The messages sound fine, I would wonder why you haven't been introduced but it could well be that it's just because they don't meet up often and bringing your new partner is inevitably going to make it awkward.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 12:58

At what point exactly has the OP admitted it was wrong ArmySal ?

ArmySal · 03/02/2017 13:10

The post riiiiight above your own, posted 15 minutes before yours, Everything.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 13:13

That simply says she wants to get their specific emails removed, does it not? Not that it was wrong to go through his emails, just that she shouldn't have posted said emails to a public site for all to have a nose and a read.
My 'dick move' comment was regarding the whole snooping aspect of the issue as well.

ArmySal · 03/02/2017 13:18

You didn't make that very clear though to be fair, I presumed you meant the email being put on here.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2017 13:20

Everything, she also said she wouldn't normally snoop and is feeling a bit insecure at the moment. So I think it is safe to say she's fully aware she shouldn't have went through his emails, and by having the thread deleted she's also recognised she should not have then posted them publicly.

Sometimes when we feel a bit low or whatever we don't think straight.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 03/02/2017 13:24

No, I appreciate I didn't make it clear, that was my mistake, ArmySal
Be that as it may, Bluntness, it's still a really shit thing to do imo. Did it need saying that I thought it was shit, possibly not, no, but you could say that for a lot of posts on here. To me, it didn't read as though the OP was feeling bad for snooping. I may be wrong.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 03/02/2017 13:25

I understand why you might be concerned, but I think they're possibly a couple who realised they were better off as friends. Obviously you shouldn't have been reading his emails, but you're heavily pregnant and have questions that are ignored.

I would say, look don't you think it would be nice if we met up with your friends including your ex wife. I get she's always going to be a part of your life, just wondering why we can't be friends too.

That's entirely reasonable to ask, you're not making a big deal of things, if he insinuates you are just reply, well surely any good friend of yours is a friend of mine. Plus aren't I your best friend? Being the mother of your children?

Don't let him think it's hormones or you are being crazy, it's a reasonable question to ask.

GeordieShorefg · 03/02/2017 13:36

They seem more friendly than anything else, no sexual innuendo or anything that I can see

The only thing that would bother me is I would want to meet her at some point down the line

I don't think to call her his best friend belittles your place in his life.

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