AIBU? DP's 'best friend' is is ex

[Cath3081]

Hi there,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma... not sure how to feel about my DP's so called 'best friend'.

Bit of background.... DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm 7 month pregnant with his child. We live together. He has a 'friend' who just happens to be his ex wife. They split about 8 years ago and he's had other relationships since then. He assures me that they are just friends and she is his best/closest friend because they have been through a lot together over the years. He says he sees her as a big sister and its all totally platonic.

They meet up about twice a year for a lunch and chat on the phone about once a month or so. I've never met her and these phone calls always take place when I'm not around. I've said to him that if she's such a good friend, then why haven't I met her? He just changes the topic.

Anyway, it was DP's birthday recently and he told me that his friend had sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but yesterday he asked me to go in to his email to print something off. While I was in his mail, I noticed the happy birthday message and now I'm not sure what to think.

Here's a copy & paste of the message:

Hello Blackcat
Wishing you a very happy birthday - I hope all your dreams come true.
I owe you a posh lunch some place soon... (One of these (Sun)days in the near future).
Even though we are no longer part of each other's day-to-day life, you still hold a very special place in my heart and I am glad to have met you in this lifetime.
Warm hugs,
KAB xox

His reply was:
Thank you!!!! I always appreciate it. Hope to catch up at some point when ever I'm through that way over a Sunday or so when free.
Had a very quiet day yesterday as It's back to work and doing night shift..LOL
Lets Hope 2017 is a Good Year for us all and the new things that are coming our way..
Catchup Soon

Do you think I have anything to worry about here? His response seems okay to me (quite platonic), but I don't like hers - the 'black cat' thing annoys the hell out of me - apparently it's her nickname for him.

I don't think to call her his best friend belittles your place in his life.

Except that I keep reading that the best/most secure/most loving relationships are the ones where your partner is your best friend.

Now, it's fine to have a best friend who is outside of the relationship, but to be in a relationship with someone whose best friend is still the person who was their best friend when they were in a relationship with them...

Well it seems a bit odd to me.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges I have been with DP for 10+ years and so has my ex so a lot longer than 2yrs. That means there has been roughly 4 x meetings between the OPs DP and his ex so that is probably why they haven't met..

Maybe it was driven by hormones or maybe they offer a plausible excuse to justify yourself but I would say you ABU to read his emails in the first place.

I think it demonstrates a lack of trust, which you should address.

Cath I totally sympathise with your situation. I was in the exact same position when DH and I got together. Their relationship was totally platonic as well but she (in particular) loved the fact that they had loads of history that I could never join in discussions about and made comments like that to him. Tbh it was really boring! Once I had DS things changed though - I think for DH he saw his situation differently and gradually they saw less and less of one another.They still send the odd message on fb but none of the intensity that used to be there.

It'll be interesting to see how your DP behaves once you're a family. I wouldn't be surprised if she loses the appeal she currently has.

Thanks for all the messages. I genuinely value all the different opinions and I've taken them on board.

DP has never given me a reason not to trust him and I usually do trust him. I feel bad for snooping. He asked me to go into his email to print something off (the order confirmation for all our baby stuff, which is being delivered this weekend). The happy birthday message was about 4 or 5 emails down and I should never have opened it. Snooping does nothing but hurt the snooper.

I don't know if I should fess up and tell him I read the email, or just leave it and see it as a lesson learned. I don't think I have anything to worry about in terms of their friendship - she just seems like a gushy/fluffy type of person and I shouldn't read anything in to it.

I hope MN delete this thread or their email part soon. I'd be mortified if the friend/ex saw it

I'd argue snooping hurts the person being snooped on too. The snoopee if you will. Regardless, I don't think you should say anything. I'd feel betrayed if it were me. I would personally say nothing if I were you, and just not do it again.

I'd have a problem with this relationship. Of all the 'best' friends he could choose he picks a gushing ex. No way Jose!