AIBU? DP's 'best friend' is is ex

[Cath3081]

Hi there,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma... not sure how to feel about my DP's so called 'best friend'.

Bit of background.... DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm 7 month pregnant with his child. We live together. He has a 'friend' who just happens to be his ex wife. They split about 8 years ago and he's had other relationships since then. He assures me that they are just friends and she is his best/closest friend because they have been through a lot together over the years. He says he sees her as a big sister and its all totally platonic.

They meet up about twice a year for a lunch and chat on the phone about once a month or so. I've never met her and these phone calls always take place when I'm not around. I've said to him that if she's such a good friend, then why haven't I met her? He just changes the topic.

Anyway, it was DP's birthday recently and he told me that his friend had sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but yesterday he asked me to go in to his email to print something off. While I was in his mail, I noticed the happy birthday message and now I'm not sure what to think.

Here's a copy & paste of the message:

Hello Blackcat
Wishing you a very happy birthday - I hope all your dreams come true.
I owe you a posh lunch some place soon... (One of these (Sun)days in the near future).
Even though we are no longer part of each other's day-to-day life, you still hold a very special place in my heart and I am glad to have met you in this lifetime.
Warm hugs,
KAB xox

His reply was:
Thank you!!!! I always appreciate it. Hope to catch up at some point when ever I'm through that way over a Sunday or so when free.
Had a very quiet day yesterday as It's back to work and doing night shift..LOL
Lets Hope 2017 is a Good Year for us all and the new things that are coming our way..
Catchup Soon

Do you think I have anything to worry about here? His response seems okay to me (quite platonic), but I don't like hers - the 'black cat' thing annoys the hell out of me - apparently it's her nickname for him.

I think that the messages are fine but I think it's a bit odd that he's reluctant for you to meet her

agree! She clearly has a rather gushing fondness for him, and it boosts his ego. he knows that, and for that reason doesn't want you to meet her. That's my guess anyway

jealously is very corrosive so do be careful. hand on heart I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you know what? I would not ;ike it either

black cat fuck OFF

How long were they together?

If they were together a long time then there would be a level of intamacyt between them, nicknames, fondness, in jokes etc etc.

YANBU. I don't think I've ever told a friend I see twice a year that they hold a very special place in my heart

Platonic or not, you have the right to draw your own boundaries. I would judge this by whether I thought he'd use/accept the same language if it were a male friend. If not then to me it's inappropriate.

OP, I think those messages sound fine - in fact they sound lovely from my perspective.

To add a different angle, I, too am very close with my ex - and in fact we live together as housemates and co-parent our DS. It is wholly platonic; I couldn't even imagine it being otherwise, and it very quickly became that way when we were married. Similarly to your DP, my ex refers to me jokingly but very fondly as his annoying younger sister.

I have a DP who is fine with the set-up; we don't live together, and he and I are both pretty independent people. Obviously, what's going on now can't last forever, and we've all talked about that, but for now it works well.

A long way of saying that there can be real love and affection between ex-es who are now in a platonic relationship.

I wouldn't like this at all. But then my DH doesn't have friendships with women.

Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate getting other people's opinions. I'm not usually the jealous type and wouldn't normally snoop. We're both really open and don't lock our phones or anything and he does always tell me when she's been in touch. I've never been bothered by her, and I have no idea why that message bothered me so much. Maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones and I'm feeling a little self conscious?

Anyway... thanks again for all the replies. I'm feeling reassured that there's nothing to worry about. I may insist on meeting her at least once so that I know who she is.

His reply is fine and keeping it light and vague. Her initial message is over-intimate. 'Glad to have met you in this lifetime'. ffs.

she sounds like this fucking TWAT that |I work with so |I dislike her for that!

I don't think the op was snooping.

This is a close friend and the op is about to have his child, I would wonder why they haven't been introduced. Not saying she has to tag along to all the posh lunches but once over coffee or something. Who wouldn't want to meet a close friends new partner.

The message is a bit gushy 'special place in my heart.....glad to have met you in this lifetime' but not really worrying, some people are just soppy like that.

I also think those messages are fine, in fact if it was me I'd be reassured as they scream platonic. It's also good they have a positive relationship.

I do also think either you are struggling with either jealousy or insecurity. Maybe this is why he doesn't want you to meet her? He only actually meets her twice a year, and chats every few weeks on the phone. The emails confirm what he said about it being platonic, so they should have left you feeling happy.

I think uou need to try to manage those feelings, I doubt meeting her will help and it may make it worse,,,from if you perceive her to be attractive through to not liking witnessing the fact they are friends.

It's fine, I think - though in the context that she doesn't have any interest in you and he hasn't shown any interest in introducing you - it's like they have a tiny pocket of 'them' left..

I don't think you need to be jealous, but if this was me I'd say why not invite her round and we'll have a nice meal - I can't believe I haven't met her

You think she might not know about you?

I was hugely jealous and paranoid when I was pregnant, not so much now I'm not pregnant (or before then either). It might very well be hormonal :)

I am "close" friends with one of my exes, we chat most days when he's at work, on skype (I also chat with my now other half on skype). I haven't met up with him since about 5 months after we split, which is almost 8 years ago now. I see him as a good friend, but that's all. I really appreciate our friendship, as we get on really well, even after all these years. I'm not going to throw away a 12 year friendship (we were a couple only for a short while), because it could make my other half jealous. Thankfully he is not of the jealous kind!

I don't see why they should meet. He only sees her twice a year, I have friends I only see a few times a year. I wouldn't take DP to meet them, it would change the feel of the lunch etc if it was about them getting to know each other.

And I have friends who always say things like I'm happy to have you in my life, I have a friend who's a 6ft burly brickie who's known for being overly effusive with friends, telling them he loves them etc it's just who he is.

YABU.

I think the messages sound fine. Friendly, but nothing setting off red flags. She mentions "new things to come" in 2017, which likely refers to the baby on the way. Not sure what you're seeing here that most of us aren't?

I think it's more of a red flag when someone has no warm feelings towards their exes at all. If someone vehemently dislikes everyone they've dated, or promptly cut every one of them out of their life, I'm far more cautious than I am when they're still friends with an ex, or are at least harbouring no ill will towards them.

Oh the good things message was him. Still, the same applies.

Nothing to worry about. And maybe he feels it would be awkward for you to meet. The ex wife and the new wife. I personally wouldn't want to meet her. You are already worried and insecure. If you meet her I think you will always compare yourself to her. They have a different type of relationship now. Leave it be x

Hmmm.... I think you may be right about meeting her. That might set me off and make me feel even more insecure - especially in my current hormonal state.

Since there's nothing in their messages to each other - apart from a genuine friendship, I'll just leave them be.

I'm afraid you do sound jealous. Those emails are fine - they obviously value each other a lot.

I get where you're coming from - it can be scary that your partner is close to another woman, but they've given you no cause for alarm, here.

I too would want to meet her, but you should work on your own jealousy first - I've been in your dp's shoes before, and was in no hurry to introduce my jealous partner to a beloved friend. Especially as I knew that meeting would become fodder for later, suspicious questions like 'why did he say that to you?' 'Why did you touch his arm' etc. No one enjoyed it, and it contributed to our break-up, because innocent people get sick of explaining themselves.

So until you can just put your trust in him where this friend is concerned, it's better you stay away.

I would be far more concerned about someone who didn't remain friends with an ex than one who did

Really? I'm not friends with any exes. Why would I be? I'm civil with my exh for the sake of the children, but that's all.

As for you, OP, I don't think his message sounds off at all. I think hers is a little 'expressive', but he isn't entertaining any 'fond memories' from that message.

I would have more of an issue with not having been introduced to her/his 'best friend' than anything else.

My exh didn't introduce me to any of his friends until we'd been together for 2 years. There was always a reason for it, but it transpired in the end that it was because he was ashamed/embarrassed of me because he didn't deem me good/attractive enough and it was only when his best friend also got a girlfriend who wasn't 'beautiful' either, that I was allowed to meet them.

Why, oh why didn't I heed the Big Red Flag...

I wouldn't have got that far into a relationship with someone who considered an ex to be their secret best friend, tbh.

I'm really surprised how many think this is fine. I would definitely have a problem with this. For one I really don't get being friends with your ex. I truly believe that if this is possible it is either because you were not really into each other in the first place OR because you are still hanging on to something from the relationship. I would suspect that your DP gets something out of it emotionally, it's an emotional intimacy he has with this woman; I doubt his other female friends speak or write to him like that. So a big YANBU from me I have to say. Not sure what you can do about it though, very tricky.

Reading those messages the first thought was you are posting as a justification for snooping and even then your are grasping at straws.

When men check their partners phones is seen as abusive and wrong with usually no excuse allowed. Here we have the disapproval of a friendship. Again something complained about when the sexes reversed. He is also being very open and clear about when and where he talks to and meets this woman. If a man asked a woman to be like this, MNetters would be annoyed.

This is all types of wrong.

I think the message is fine, although admittedly it's quite an unusual relationship.

However, what is not fine, is opening your DP's email, reading it and then plastering it on an open internet forum.

What the actual fuck is that all about?

I hope for your sake she doesn't happen upon it or it doesn't end up on Matthew Wright's show, come Monday morning.

He is friendly & breezy & not exactly knocking down her door for a catch up - he just says "soon" the way you would to any friend. I wouldn't worry and I would shelve these concerns now & not go looking through his messages again. Because once you become a regular snooper - that way madness lies

Honestly I wouldnt like it, Its his ex wife? I do think she comes across as overly gushy towards him, Although his response isnt. I just wouldnt be comfortable with it, the fact you have never met her and conversations he does in private with her wouldnt sit well with me. Especially as you have been with him for two years! Whats the big secret? Its odd imo.

YANBU and also BU

The ex is clearly an overly-attached type of person with vomit inducing emotional outpourings.

I'd find it hard not to take the piss out of her 'lifetime' shit because I don't think it is OK to still have a 'claim' on an ex's emotions. You walk away and be friendly, fine, but quit the freakin dramatics. A simple, "Hi, how are you, would be good to catch up" is enough already.

So, I would think her a bit of a dick but wouldn't feel threatened or jealous iykwim