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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should get a job based in the U.K.

93 replies

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:18

My dh works over two countries. For 3 months he works in U.K, followed by 3 months in Texas (oil related). Dh has a 16 year old son in Texas (my stepson) and he owns an apartment in Houston.

A job has recently been offered to dh where he would be in the uk full time. He is relunctant because of his son who lives in the states and understandable so.

However I can't cope with the dc on my own. I have two teenagers one of which has autism and a physical disability. I also have two dc (9,7).

The months that dh is working away it's so hard on me. I'm struggling to cope. I have to pick kids from school, cook and dinner, help with homework and although my eldest helps out it's really difficult.

Aibu to tell dh he needs to take the job.

OP posts:
icy121 · 21/01/2017 17:19

Are the 9 and 7 year olds his kids too?

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:22

Oh yes they are dh kids

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/01/2017 17:23

Did he have this work pattern when you got married and did you discuss it?

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 17:24

Would it be possible for his son to come over to stay every three months or so, with your husband travelling there too?

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 17:24

What would arrangements be to see his stepson?

ilovesooty · 21/01/2017 17:25

Sorry, just seen updates. Did he have this working pattern when your two children were born?

JennyOnAPlate · 21/01/2017 17:25

If he takes the uk job will he have sufficient time and money to fly to Texas regularly to see his son?

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:25

The job was different when we first got together but dh decided the take position as if meant we could afford for me not to work and be a sahm. The new job is the same money but based in London.

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 21/01/2017 17:26

Can you afford an au pair? Or part time nanny?

picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 17:26

Maybe you need more home support. Can you get a housekeeper or other help?

foxyloxy78 · 21/01/2017 17:26

Have you spoken to your husband about this. About how you are struggling? Is there anyway you could get some help around the house when he is away? Usually I would say absolutely insist he takes the UK job, but the child in the USA changes everything....

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:26

If he takes the uk job will he have sufficient time and money to fly to Texas regularly to see his son?

Of coarse, he could fly out or ds could fly to uk.

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 21/01/2017 17:27

Hmm that's tough. I think it's good he gets to spend time with his ds in Texas but I wouldn't be happy with my dh being away for 3 months at a time and I only have 2 dc!

dollydaydream114 · 21/01/2017 17:27

Are your DCs all DH's too? The teenagers as well as the 9 and 7 year old?

How long have you and DH had this 'three months in the UK, three months in America' arrangement? Did you know that was the situation when you decided to have children with DH?

celtiethree · 21/01/2017 17:27

Are all the DC his children?? What was agreed when you had DC together?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/01/2017 17:28

I think he needs to talk to his stepson. What type of frequency would he be able to afford to fly over, if his son didn't want to fly to the UK, and for how long?

The three months in each place sounds hard but has been a very fair way of maintaining families in two countries.

buckyou · 21/01/2017 17:30

Would you consider moving to Texas? My husband lived nr Houston in his teans and seems to remember those years fondly.

I guess maybe not if you have teans with a different dad?

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:30

I don't think an au pair would be a great idea we live in London (so expensive) and I don't think my son with the disability would do well with an au pair. I will look at it online though.

It's not cleaning it's the taking kids to school and caring for ds that is the issue. I can do housework during the day.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 21/01/2017 17:31

OK, just seen your updates.

If you had kids with him on the assumption that he would be around full-time rather than spending half his time in America, then YANBU to ask him to get a UK-based job.

However, if he gets a UK job you will absolutely need to make sure that he is able to travel to the US frequently to see his son, even if the cost of his flights etc mean you have to go without family holidays or whatever. It would be very unfair to ask him not to have regular quality time with his eldest child.

SpaghettiMeatballs · 21/01/2017 17:32

No advice. Just sympathy. My DH works abroad for a large % of his role. My DCs are 5 and 3. Not a million miles away from your DH's industry.

I sometimes struggle with my DC too and I hate the fact my work always has to come second.

Particularly pissed off at the moment because he's just left for 4 weeks. The weekends are the worst bit I find.

If I'm honest I would feel resentful if my DH didn't take a job in London were one available even though that's harsh on the son.

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:37

Are all the DC his children?? What was agreed when you had DC together?

No they are not dh children. They are with my ex husband. That's why we can't move to Houston

OP posts:
Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 18:04

Anyone?

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 21/01/2017 18:13

I think he's being a selfish git. He's abdicating his responsibilities to his family for half the year because his life is easier. Any decent person would take the job where they're around to support their family and their wife because that's what marriage and commitment should be about

How long has he been doing the doss job and how old is his Texan son?

Out2pasture · 21/01/2017 18:14

It's not realistic for the 16yr old to be expected to travel often (school, probably PT work, etc).
Your husband might enjoy his Texas time.
His job his choice.

NotStoppedAllDay · 21/01/2017 18:19

3 months isn't 'half the year'

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