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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should get a job based in the U.K.

93 replies

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:18

My dh works over two countries. For 3 months he works in U.K, followed by 3 months in Texas (oil related). Dh has a 16 year old son in Texas (my stepson) and he owns an apartment in Houston.

A job has recently been offered to dh where he would be in the uk full time. He is relunctant because of his son who lives in the states and understandable so.

However I can't cope with the dc on my own. I have two teenagers one of which has autism and a physical disability. I also have two dc (9,7).

The months that dh is working away it's so hard on me. I'm struggling to cope. I have to pick kids from school, cook and dinner, help with homework and although my eldest helps out it's really difficult.

Aibu to tell dh he needs to take the job.

OP posts:

BiddyBooBiddy · 21/01/2017 22:13

Agh Jiggy how shameful of you!

TooSmittle · 21/01/2017 22:27

I disagree that the current arrangements are fair. Yes his time is split 50/50 between the two places, but he only sees his DS at the weekends while he's in Texas. So Mon-Fri for half the year he just looks after himself while OP is home doing everything single handedly for their two DCS. She also has two older DCs which she could use some help with. No they're not his but surely it's normal within a marriage to help each other where help is needed? And the children OP and her DH share, well they're missing out on their dad being around for 6 months of the year for the sake of 48 contact days with their half brother. I can't see how that is the most sensible division of his time.

Using the most simple figures for the sake of ease - every weekend for three months is 24 days, so 48 contact days in a year, yes? 48 days could easily spent together during the long summer break should DH's some come to stay (or a combination of any other of the school holidays). No, it's really not fair to lose regular contact with his Dad, but he already goes 3 months at a time without him and presumably at 16 will want to spend weekend evenings with his friends, if he doesn't already. He is more than old enough to understand that his step mum is having a difficult time at home alone.

I think your DH should take the London job, plan for his DS to come over for as long as possible during holidays, and step up to his responsibilities to YOU. He's more than just a father, he's a husband too, and he made a commitment to you all.

celtiethree · 21/01/2017 22:50

The op posted 'probably sees him at weekends'. We have no idea of the contact arrangements when the DH is in the US. The DH had 3 dc, he is splitting his time equally between locations.

BillSykesDog · 21/01/2017 22:52

Re: Help. If you could get help from someone experienced in dealing with his specific disabilities they will probably know how to manage his reaction.

Also, the fact that you are getting support at the weekend does make it seem that perhaps you are overstating how much you suffer. You did rather give the impression that you had no break from your caring responsibilities and needed him back for that but apparently that's not the case.

JigglyTuff · 21/01/2017 23:00

No Biddy. Shameful of you. You don't have a child with a disability so your situation isn't remotely comparable

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 22/01/2017 10:00

Weekends are a relief but it's still hard.

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 10:37

No Biddy. Shameful of you. You don't have a child with a disability so your situation isn't remotely comparable

Tbf the child with a disability isn't the DH DC.

JigglyTuff · 22/01/2017 11:32

So what? Biddy's point was that her life was similar to the OP's and yet she copes marvellously. It's not.

Rumplestaleskin · 22/01/2017 13:54

The OP may wish to consider contacting HomeStart for support. I'm not sure what the referral process is like but if you contact them they will be able to advise. Doesn't solve the overall issue, of course, but may provide some respite in combination with other strategies.

corythatwas · 22/01/2017 15:50

TooSmittle, the problem with your argument (though I can see the justice of it in some ways) is that it only takes at the problem from the pov of the two adults- how much does the dh have to do, how much has the OP have to do. It doesn't seem to take much notice of the teenager involved: the whole argument is based on the idea that he should quietly accept seeing less of his dad, because it would be more of a doss for his dad to spend time with him. That may well be true- but it hardly helps him.

I think this is a very tricky problem and that the only chances of resolution is going to be if you can discuss it very calmly and pragmatically from the viewpoint that there are 3 adults involved (the OP, the ex and the dh) who must be assumed to have an equal need of seeing their children. And more importantly, several children whose needs must also have equal weight. If that viewpoint is duly recognised, and without bitterness, then I think it will be far easier to find solutions for the practical problems.

I am a little concerned here, because I have seen a situation at close range where a teen was quite simply expected to swallow any feelings of his own for the sake of adults perceived as more vulnerable. He did it with an impeccable show of manners- but it cost him, and I am not sure the life lesson learnt has been all that great for him. A little more recognition of his feelings would have gone a long way, whatever the practical arrangements.

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 23/01/2017 11:16

Dh has decided to take the job. He has spoken to his son and says that he is fine with it and he will arrange for him to come to the U.K at Easter.

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 11:18

He has spoken to his son and says that he is fine with it

Saying he is fine with it and him actually being fine with it are however two different things.

Excited101 · 23/01/2017 11:24

Have you never been to Texas op? Have you met his other son? Has he been to visit and met his half siblings?

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 23/01/2017 11:53

Have you never been to Texas op? Have you met his other son? Has he been to visit and met his half siblings?

I've met him yes but only a handful of times.

OP posts:

JanuaryMoods · 23/01/2017 12:03

Good solution, OP.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 12:04

The young relative I am thinking of was also outwardly "fine" with any arrangements made and presented to him. I suspect he felt that if one day he wasn't "fine" with something, he would lose his father altogether. The life lesson he has learnt is that it is his job to smile and be "fine" so as not to upset other people.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 12:07

I'm not saying this may not actually be the best solution, OP; only that next time you need to be aware so that he is not constantly pressured into agreeing with things because he has less clout than you. Make it up to him, make sure he feels equally valued, make sure your dh makes that clear.

Excited101 · 23/01/2017 12:18

But you haven't been to Texas and the siblings haven't met?

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