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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should get a job based in the U.K.

93 replies

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:18

My dh works over two countries. For 3 months he works in U.K, followed by 3 months in Texas (oil related). Dh has a 16 year old son in Texas (my stepson) and he owns an apartment in Houston.

A job has recently been offered to dh where he would be in the uk full time. He is relunctant because of his son who lives in the states and understandable so.

However I can't cope with the dc on my own. I have two teenagers one of which has autism and a physical disability. I also have two dc (9,7).

The months that dh is working away it's so hard on me. I'm struggling to cope. I have to pick kids from school, cook and dinner, help with homework and although my eldest helps out it's really difficult.

Aibu to tell dh he needs to take the job.

OP posts:

mysteryfairy · 21/01/2017 19:38

Incidentally when my DH was around he never got home for the after school to bedtime anyway - I think that's the reality of a lot of pressured type jobs!

OneWithTheForce · 21/01/2017 19:40

I think it's fair. His son shouldn't have to sacrifice his father so that you have help with two children that aren't his! They are their own father's responsibility. He is taking care of his. If you are struggling with them then their father should be the person you ask for more support. Your husband is doing right by his son by seeing him as much as he can.

Welshrainbow · 21/01/2017 19:43

I think if your exH is the Eason you couldn't all move to Texas then he is the one who needs to be stepping in to help you with your older son. I know it's a difficult situation but you are asking your husband to give up seeing his son anywhere near as much because you need help and I think that is a bit unreasonable. In a couple of years when his other son maybe wanting to move away to college anyway or will be in a better position to travel to uk regularly then I'd say he should be taking uk job but not just yet. Even if he took the uk job unless you are proposing he just doesn't bother seeing his other DS anymore then surely by the time you add in flights 4-6 times a year min for either him or his son to travel then it will be quite a dip in the income.

Frazzled2207 · 21/01/2017 19:51

To be clear, you have 4 kids, two of which are his and two are not!? If two are his, and the dss is 16 I think he should take the job.
Dss would surely be old enough to fly by himself to the uk for school holidays, would that work?

However are you sure that the job would mean he is around to help more? When you say it's in the UK is it actually commutable from where you live?

celtiethree · 21/01/2017 20:03

A lot of people advocating leaving the 16 year old to holiday contact. How many wound be happy if that was their own DC. My 16 year old would be quite devasted if he lost regular contact. Yes the current arrangement had not always been in place but it has been for several years. The older DC have another parent, what are they doing to help.

BiddyBooBiddy · 21/01/2017 20:11

My thoughts too. ExH is the one stopping you moving, but he doesn't help.
Personally I think the way it is now is fair, his DS shouldn't suffer because your ExH doesn't help with the children you had together.
If it just help your after, hired help would be best. He'll probably work more and would still not be able to help if he takes the new job. The younger two are old enough to help and understand.

MontePulciana · 21/01/2017 20:13

I think he should take the job. Plenty of Anglo US families have this situation and don't require a job that places them in the US for 3 months at a time (surely teenager would get fed up of that!). More frequent holidays sounds better. He can visit the UK and you guys can go there? I think DH needs to discuss this with his ds. It's not an ordinary set up is it?

BiddyBooBiddy · 21/01/2017 20:17

No bashing or bragging,but I do all this stuff you mention apart from a disabled child and work full time when not on maternity. DH work further away than I do and leave before me and arrives after me. So I do just about everything.
Can you maybe get a place at a special school or something for your disabled child and get some time to yourself? Even just one day a week?

JigglyTuff · 21/01/2017 20:44

The OP married (and had children with) a man who lived in the UK. For whatever reason, he took a job where he was away from home for half the year (when his eldest was 14 - I assume he wasn't that bothered about regular contact with him before then given he was living thousands of miles away for most of his life). He has a responsibility to his wife and his younger children.

Biddy - I'm embarrassed for you. You do everything the OP does, apart from the teeny tiny detail of 'apart from a disabled child'? Either you're thick or a GF or both. And while you're securing a special school place for the OP's child, could you get one for mine too? I could do with a day off as well.

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 20:47

I agree, we could always go to Texas I've heard it is beautiful.

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 21/01/2017 20:54

What do you think about the suggestions that your ex should help more with his son?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/01/2017 20:55

He has a responsibility to his wife and his younger children.

He has a responsibility to all his DC.

Tbh if I was the 16 year old I'm not sure I would be taking it very well if my DF no longer saw me as much because of his second family.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/01/2017 20:55

What do you think about the suggestions that your ex should help more with his son?

^ this

OneWithTheForce · 21/01/2017 21:01

I really hope this guy stands up for his eldest child here and doesn't bow to this pressure. If he does cave, well I guess you have an idea how easy it will be for him to walk away from his younger children if you and him separate. And you really won't have a leg to stand on when you're faced with him being away from them if he chooses to.

AyeAmarok · 21/01/2017 21:08

Nope, YABU. He can't just ditch his 16 year old because you've decided you want it all your way. He took this job so you could stay home with the DC, and see his DS. Now, you want him to see much less of his DC, but you not have to compromise at all, so you want his son to make all the sacrifices. Not fair.

JigglyTuff · 21/01/2017 21:08

He's moved the goalposts on the OP. I don't know why he moved thousands of miles away from his eldest child before he'd even started school but he did.

I guess the moral of the story is never have children with a man who has walked away from one child. Because they're probably going to do it with the next ones too.

BillSykesDog · 21/01/2017 21:09

If you can afford regular flights to and from the US for DSS then surely you can afford to employ some help?

I agree with others that the person who needs to be stepping up here is ExH not DH. He needs to give you more practical support and financial help for extra support.

It's really not fair to say to DSS that his contact is being cut because his father is required to help with the care of someone else's child. And I agree social services would be a good idea, could you get some respite care while he is away?

BillSykesDog · 21/01/2017 21:11

Will Ex DH not give permission for them to go to Houston? If so that makes him doubly responsible for helping you get extra support.

NCforQuestion · 21/01/2017 21:11

What's the deal with ex h? I think he needs to step up and help you.

BillSykesDog · 21/01/2017 21:13

He's not walked away though in any sense has he Jiggly? And as far as we know it could be his ex who moved to Houston.

Crispbutty · 21/01/2017 21:15

How often does your stepson get to see his half siblings in the uk? Maybe he would be OK with regular uk trips and Skype in between.

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 21:18

What do you think about the suggestions that your ex should help more with his son?

He does help he has the kids on the weekend and collects and drops them off. He lives far but not too far and has his own family as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 21:19

With the help thing I said I would look into it. It's also how ds will react to it.

Dh son doesn't see his step of half siblings very often. We haven't seen him in over a year. But I've heard he would love to visit.

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 21/01/2017 21:29

There are no easy answers. I think - unless your ExH is a deadbeat dad & uninvolved as then Texas could be an option - then in the short-term things are what they are. It's not going to be forever as the step dc is 16 but he does still need his dad at this age. I think you need ExH to step up if he's not and being in extra help to make your life more manageable - cleaner/gardener/au pair etc. But do think of this as short term. Like an army stint! And DH needs to commit to a plan that has you together in the foreseeable future.

My OH is in Texas and our time apart is hard. Like you, no move because I have dcs with ExH so you have my every sympathy.

And yes, Texas is surprisingly beautiful. I'd love to live there and the children would have a great quality of life but they'd miss their dad too much.

holidaysaregreat · 21/01/2017 21:48

It sounds like it's one of your teens with you EXH who is disabled, so it would be interesting to hear how much he is involved.
Your DHs DS was the same age as your youngest when you had a child together, so he was still little and living abroad. So I agree with some other posters that ~YABU to expect him to change his arrangements. You must have known he had other commitments when you decided to start a new family, and equally you most probably knew your eldest DC had issues which might be hard to deal with.
I don't think it is fair to expect OH to be home all the time so he can help out with the eldest DC.
Sorry not to be more sympathetic.

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