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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should get a job based in the U.K.

93 replies

NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 17:18

My dh works over two countries. For 3 months he works in U.K, followed by 3 months in Texas (oil related). Dh has a 16 year old son in Texas (my stepson) and he owns an apartment in Houston.

A job has recently been offered to dh where he would be in the uk full time. He is relunctant because of his son who lives in the states and understandable so.

However I can't cope with the dc on my own. I have two teenagers one of which has autism and a physical disability. I also have two dc (9,7).

The months that dh is working away it's so hard on me. I'm struggling to cope. I have to pick kids from school, cook and dinner, help with homework and although my eldest helps out it's really difficult.

Aibu to tell dh he needs to take the job.

OP posts:
citybushisland · 21/01/2017 18:25

alternate 3 months means in total it's 6 in US and 6 in UK = half the year!

ilovesooty · 21/01/2017 18:27

How on earth can anyone know it's a "doss job"?

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 18:30

Jiggly, why is he a selfish git because he wants to spend half the year near his own son? Is he somehow not family? Why are the OPs children (including his stepsons) more family than his son in Texas?

This is a tricky situation which will need a good deal of compromise and willingness to see the other person's pov from all sides.

Dragongirl10 · 21/01/2017 18:31

your best solution is help around pick up and homework time, if you had someone employed from 3pm to 6pm, to assist with cooking whilst you do homework, etc that would solve the problem.

If you really cannot afford help then being very organised is the only option......slow cooker meals prepared in the day, table laid...everything lined up exactly where needed, then food just served up, eldest clears up whilst you do bedtime stories for youngest.

At 9 and 7 even your youngest can do lots for themselves.

Hopefully you could then rest during the day.

ilovesooty · 21/01/2017 18:32

And it was quite clearly stated in the OP how old the stepson is.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/01/2017 18:35

I think you might need to accept that he has a son elsewhere and wants to see him as much as possible. You wouldn't move your teens away from their dad - how do you think your stepson will feel to be told that his dad is no longer going to be around as much and he will just need to suck it up? I'm sorry home life is hard at the moment - if you can't cope, you need to look into help at home. The only option is not that your husband is at home, realistically how much will he help with school drop offs if he's in the uk?

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 18:37

Jiggly hid son is 16

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 21/01/2017 18:39

I think it's his choice.

It suited you when you wanted it to (funded you not it work) but now you want him to help out in the house and give up seeing his son. Holidays will be rare and you know that. If he asked you not to see your children for most of the year, I very very much doubt your answer would be yes.

If you want extra help, you could return to work and buy it in. The children are all school aged so not babies home during the day and given you had two more whilst he worked away by choice you knew what you were signing upto.

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 18:48

I think you might need to accept that he has a son elsewhere and wants to see him as much as possible. You wouldn't move your teens away from their dad - how do you think your stepson will feel to be told that his dad is no longer going to be around as much and he will just need to suck it up? I'm sorry home life is hard at the moment - if you can't cope, you need to look into help at home. The only option is not that your husband is at home, realistically how much will he help with school drop offs if he's in the uk?

Yes I do acceapt he has a son elsewhere. It doesn't mean that his other family have to suffer.

It is a very difficult situation.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 21/01/2017 18:48

Sheldon, to be fair it is possible that the OPs son's disabilities make it harder for her to buy in help.

Otherwise, I agree with you: if the OP would not be fine with him asking her not to see her sons, she can hardly expect him to be fine with that either. Loyalty cuts both ways.

corythatwas · 21/01/2017 18:50

"Yes I do acceapt he has a son elsewhere. It doesn't mean that his other family have to suffer."

In that case you need to find a solution which means that nobody suffers. Or (more realistically) a solution which means suffering is shared as equally as possible. Because frankly, a solution that depends on him accepting that one of his sons is not as important as his other two is hardly a solution, is it? Would you accept that?

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 18:52

It suited you when you wanted it to (funded you not it work) but now you want him to help out in the house and give up seeing his son. Holidays will be rare and you know that. If he asked you not to see your children for most of the year, I very very much doubt your answer would be yes

No actually holidays won't be rare, like I said dh son could always fly over here and stay. The schools in US get a lot of holidays. It was previously like this arrangement.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/01/2017 18:52

In two years, the son will be in college and won´t want his dad hanging around there with him. I suggest you compromise for now and agree that in two years´ time he will start looking for UK jobs.

VimFuego101 · 21/01/2017 18:52

What does his son plan to do about college? If he's planning to move out of state then contact would be less frequent anyway.

MTB1003 · 21/01/2017 18:57

It's such a difficult situation op. As you mentioned the previous arrangement was that your dss did come over for the holidays. What was the discussion about this when the current arrangements were made? Your younger D.C. Would have been younger, how did you agree to it then?
It must be really hard, I have sympathy for you esp as all the help you could get doesn't replace your dh being there.

TaliDiNozzo · 21/01/2017 18:58

I think your only realistic solution to this is have help at home for the next couple of years until your DSS goes to university (presuming he goes) and then DH looks at moving full time to London.

I think it's about the fairest way to make this situation work. What you want him to do is not fair (although I understand where you're coming from).

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 18:59

Dh has had this arrangement for about two years. I had family nearby which helped but they moved to the south coast.

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 21/01/2017 19:04

Is the new job with the same company? If so can he work from Houston for a week or so from time to time rather than 3 months at a time and have his son spend holidays with you?

When he's in the US currently is his son staying with him or his ex? If latter, suspect he's only seeing his son on weekends and some nights of the week. It might work out roughly the same to have his son come for holidays and for your husband to work out of Houston from time to time if it's the same company and they have an operation there.

If it's a new company then presumably he applied for it and was therefore open to staying in London in which case it's not such a big ask, he must have been thinking about it when he applied?

JanuaryMoods · 21/01/2017 19:06

I think your DH should take the UK job. The young ones at growing up without a father half of the time. It's their turn.

Original poster
NatashaAnnKelly · 21/01/2017 19:09

It's the same company. He was not living with his son while in Texas. So yes probably seeing him on weekends.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 21/01/2017 19:11

I think this is a really difficult one.

On the one hand.... You were aware he had a son in Texas when you met and when you decided to have more children. He's not ultimately the first person responsible for helping out with your (rather than both of you's) children (that's their father). You were happy to accept this arrangement when it suited you and it's not now fair to withdraw it from your step son now. Technically it's fair - he splits his time equally between two sets of children. Expecting a teenager to spend all his holidays in a foreign country seeing his dad isn't fair on either him or his mother (and won't happen).

On the other hand you are clearly struggling and I sympathise.

If your DH moved jobs would he be able to (for example) spend a week a month/a fortnight every two months in Texas (as well as step son coming over here) or is that not plausible?

If not I think he should keep the current job for another couple of years and you should both look at what additional help cut be put in place for you.

Nanna50 · 21/01/2017 19:20

If it's only been two years then I would be asking him to come home. His son can come over as he did previously, he is almost an adult. Bringing up 4 children on your own for 6 month a year is a big compromise / sacrifice to enable OH to have 6 months with his son, does your stepson live with his mother? How much help does your OH give when he is at home? Will his hours be the same?

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 21/01/2017 19:26

So are the older are not dh kids . And you are struggling with the disabled one. Well I think you have start thinking long term about the disabled kid. You can't cope so you need 1 talk to your ex and see if he can have the older 2 more. 2 phone social services to get help .

celtiethree · 21/01/2017 19:33

I think the current arrangement is fair. You haven't mentioned your ex what is he doing re your two oldest DC. Once your DSS is at college then the situation could be looked st again.

mysteryfairy · 21/01/2017 19:35

Imagine your DH is not going to take the London based job. What can you do to make life easier? Cleaner, ironing service, gardener, housekeeper from 4-7, childminder who just does the school run, grocery deliveries... there must be options that take the pressure off.

My DH works away so I know it's tough and I think the feeling of loneliness and the ongoing responsibility of absolutely everything is actually worse than for me than any practicalities...probably because I buy help in without hesitation.

You can solve a lot of the practicalities though so I would take a step back and put in place every affordable hack for starters in case there isn't going to be the compromise you are understandably hoping for. Life will be better for them even if he relocates.