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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we shouldn't pay for babysitting?

85 replies

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:03

I think this is really after the horse has bolted as DH has already said we will.

We've recently had an 18 year old family member move in with us from abroad. She currently has no income, although I have found her a job starting in the new year. We have bought her lots of clothes, Christmas pressies etc, paid for her flights and visa. Please note I don't begrudge any of this! But DH thinks I'm unreasonable that I don't think we should pay for her babysitting (she'd like to save up to travel). DH and I rarely go out so it wouldn't be often.

I'm a bit annoyed because he didn't discuss it with me first and we come from different standpoints. Am I a horrible person for thinking that we shouldn't pay? Very prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/12/2016 12:04

Is she paying any board?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:06

No, nothing as she has no income and won't once she starts working. If she was I'd definitely pay her!

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 12:08

I'm with you, you shouldn't pay her.

She should be offering to do things around the house to help and the odd bit of babysitting just to repay you for your generosity.

Does she do anything to contribute to the household?

StringyPotatoes · 28/12/2016 12:09

If you had initially said "You can live with us rent-free as long as you babysit for us weekly" or something then that is not unreasonable (I do this as a live-in nanny) but to have had her move in, get settled and then spring it on her is unfair IMHO.

You should have clarified expectations before she moved in.

MirabelleTree · 28/12/2016 12:09

I'm firmly with you on this.

SparkyStar84 · 28/12/2016 12:11

I think if she has no money then a small token gesture would be nice. She probably feels awful at having to rely on you.

Where has she come from? Did her parents not give her any money at all?

Seems odd the parents thinking you'll give her full board essentially for free, also not equipping her with the right clothes etc. for work as well.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:13

She is a lovely girl so I'm not complaining about her. We are trying to find our way as its all so new but she does offer to help.

To be honest I'm struggling it's the what I can ask of her etc Echaide it's all so new. DH has form for unnecessary generosity and putting others before us! (Not a terrible fault!)

OP posts:

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:15

We have been her legal guardians for two years, she finished school in her home country and has now moved in with us. (Sorry to drip feed, toyed with putting it in original post but whole situation very complicated and long!)

OP posts:

Celaena · 28/12/2016 12:18

if you are boarding her, then she should be doing some chores to help out, does she do any other chores around the house? or is she making more work for you?

AndNowItsSeven · 28/12/2016 12:20

Her legal guardians so you looked after her as a child and now she is 18 , is that right!?
If so then no you shouldn't expect free babysitting , that's totally different from an adult staying with you.

Crunchymum · 28/12/2016 12:21

How much is he paying her?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:21

She's only been here a week so we haven't really established routines. Perhaps I need to start a thread asking what is reasonable to ask!

I have no experience of living with competent teens, my two children are under 10.

OP posts:

KeyserSophie · 28/12/2016 12:22

Ugh, this is one of those where you should offer to pay, she should say "please no, you've done enough for me. Dot mention it". Not sure an 18 year old would though.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 12:22

You shouldn't be paying her but tbh if you are paying for so much anyway, this is just a drop in the ocean. The polite thing would be for her to refuse the money now it has been offered. If she is not working then she should be doing the majority of the housework/cooking really.

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 12:23

Massive drip feed, legal guardian v adult family member is very different!

I think she should be treated like any other dependant/child - she should be contributing to the family chores like others in the household, but I would in this case give her some money for the odd bit of babysitting.

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:24

We didn't look after her as a child but financially supported her for the last two years. She was living abroad.

OP posts:

KeyserSophie · 28/12/2016 12:24

To be fair, I do pay my sister to do childcare for me but that's because it's her normal job (she does freelance and agency nannying and tutoring) so if she's working for me, she's losing out elsewhere.

peppatax · 28/12/2016 12:25

In this instance OP, you're right not to pay her

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:25

Really sorry about drip feed. I didn't think it was relevant whether we'd been financially supporting her for two years or not!

OP posts:

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 12:26

She only been there for a week. Start hard then you can relax rules if need be. If you go in easy, it's much harder to change the rules when you get frustrated at having to do all the housework/cooking, tidying up after her, when she has been lounging around all day creating extra work for you.

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 12:26

It's really early days for all of you, it must be so very difficult for all of you to work out how things will work.

I'd think about what you would expect your own children to do if they were living at home at 18, and take it from there. Definitely think you all need some boundaries so that you can live in harmony.

Bobochic · 28/12/2016 12:26

To all intents and purposes she is living as your daughter. TBH the situation sounds quite difficult. How about paying her an allowance (pocket money) at a flat rate per week, to include x hours of babysitting?

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 12:28

Well you're obviously under absolutely no obligation to pay her at all. If I were her I'd be happy to be able to do something to show my gratitude and just be part of the family.

dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 12:29

Pocket money to include x chores, with babysitting included or in addition to.

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 12:30

Really sorry about drip feed

Your human i just think it makes quite a big difference. As a dependant I think you should pay for her visa etc but as just a family member then that would seem a very generous thing to do and above and beyond the call of duty iyswim.

Like bobo says she is living as your daughter/dependant, I think pocket money is a good way forward.

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