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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we shouldn't pay for babysitting?

85 replies

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:03

I think this is really after the horse has bolted as DH has already said we will.

We've recently had an 18 year old family member move in with us from abroad. She currently has no income, although I have found her a job starting in the new year. We have bought her lots of clothes, Christmas pressies etc, paid for her flights and visa. Please note I don't begrudge any of this! But DH thinks I'm unreasonable that I don't think we should pay for her babysitting (she'd like to save up to travel). DH and I rarely go out so it wouldn't be often.

I'm a bit annoyed because he didn't discuss it with me first and we come from different standpoints. Am I a horrible person for thinking that we shouldn't pay? Very prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 28/12/2016 13:04

If you are her legal Guardians are you acting as her parents though? Are her parents still alive / involved?

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 13:11

No, her mum died (no dad), so we are 'full' legal guardians. She didn't come to live with us as she'd been through enough without uprooting her at the time. She lived with friends instead.

I hear people talking if charging board but we won't do that once she starts earning. We want her to save, see the world and figure out what she wants to do.

She's a wonderful girl and I'm delighted to have her here. It is an adjustment, it always was going to be. Not least for her leaving all her friends and everything she knows.

OP posts:

Lillillil · 28/12/2016 13:16

How did you become her legal guardian is she a family member

DistanceCall · 28/12/2016 13:16

Señorita, just wanted to say that you and your husband sound completely wonderful. Your niece is a very lucky young woman.

Verbena37 · 28/12/2016 13:18

If you have financially supported her for the past two years as her legal guardians, you are, in my mind, pretty much the same as parents.

Therefore, what would I expect my non working 18 yr old child to do if still living at home?

General chores, room tidying, own washing and helping prepare meals.
I would also ask her to babysit now and again without paying her but perhaps, until she gets on her own feet, some sort of allowance would be a nice gesture so she can buy new clothes/toiletries/make up etc.....or at you paying for all of those as well?

Your DH isn't helping her develop into a self sufficient 18+ yr old by paying for everything and expecting no chores done in return.
She doesn't seem like a house guest but a family member and I'd therefore go along those lines.

lovelearning · 28/12/2016 13:38

OP:

Make the arrangement more formal by writing down her duties and your expectations in plain and simple terms.

Establish what tasks she is to undertake in the household, including babysitting.

In return for undertaking these tasks, you will give her food and board, and pay her X amount.

OnMountains · 28/12/2016 13:43

If you have financially supported her for the past two years as her legal guardians, you are, in my mind, pretty much the same as parents.

This.

Who has she been living with for the last two years?

Part of being a young adult is learning to be self sufficient. Another part is contributing to a family unit. Another part is self development.

I don't think paying her for babysitting is going to support her in achieving any of those. I do think it's fine to expect her to do either ad hoc babysitting or say an agreement of one evening a week for three hours as part of a contribution to the family if you are willing to give her an allowance.

I'd expect she'd be helping with keeping her space and bathroom tidy, tidying up after herself, helping with setting the table, doing the washing up and perhaps meal prep once a week as well.

For an allowance I'd expect her to take on some of the "bigger" jobs such as babysitting, hoovering the house, cleaning bathrooms, helping with the garden etc.

Munstermonchgirl · 28/12/2016 13:56

so it seems the closest approximation is that she's like one of your own children who is now adult age. In which case it's quite reasonable to expect her to contribute to daily chores just as everyone should. Whether you charge rent is up to you (we didn't when our children reached adulthood as they didn't live here long term, it was more a case of returning during uni holidays and between jobs. )
Expecting free babysitting - no, I don't think a parent should ever expect an older child to babysit for free, so I don't think you should in this case.
If you're not happy with her lack of contribution, deal with that head on rather than expecting her to babysit

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2016 13:58

Pay her for babysitting, but give her chores to do as a (nt?) adult. I wouldn't be giving her an allowance if she's working soon. Enough to tide her over til she's paid, maybe, or on demand.

Trifleorbust · 28/12/2016 14:09

You wouldn't expect your own 18 year old DD to babysit on demand, would you? How is this different?

DailyFail1 · 28/12/2016 14:36

You sound like you want a slave in exchange for the amounts you paid for to help a family member get on her feet. Yes of course you shouldn't expect her to babysit on demand, she's your neice. Let her enjoy her childhood

OnMountains · 28/12/2016 14:43

Let her enjoy her childhood

Hmmm she's 18. An adult.

Munstermonchgirl · 28/12/2016 14:43

Look at it this way: contributing to daily chores such as stacking the dishwasher, wiping round etc are part and parcel of everyday life. Everyone in the home contributes to the 'mess', therefore everyone mucks in once they're old enough to help.

Babysitting is not a necessary chore. You want someone to be responsible for your children while you're not there. Even if the children are in bed, you're still expecting someone to take responsibility for them. It's an important job, so pay someone to do it, or join a babysitting circle where you reciprocate.

The issue of whether your niece is doing enough around the house is a separate one. i disagree with the post saying you're treating her like a slave- it sounds as though you've been generous with your home, BUT generosity doesn't expect a payback, and I think it would be very wrong to expect her to start being a babysitter for you

klassy · 28/12/2016 14:45

Talk to her about it. Ask her casually if she'd mind babysitting one night and say you're struggling a bit for cash if you really are - she might be fine with it for free, or loathe the idea at any salary level.

(Snorting a bit at "slavery" - babysitting is pretty much just staying in the house and watching tv, right? Which presumably she does anyway?)

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 14:48

The OP hasn't asked her niece to do anything yet, she is hardly treating her as a slave!

Maybe set out chores that all adults do, so you don't loose that when she starts working and give her some money in exchange for babysitting?

I think it's so sad she lost her mum so young, and you have done a wonderful thing supporting her and now giving her a loving home. If she's as lovely as you say she is and you sound very kind your soon find your way through

Original poster

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 15:02

Do some people hang out here just to make horrible and wild accusations? (The slave comment). It's what gives mumsnet a bad name!

Thank you to all those who have been helpful in suggestions, we will muddle our way through and find a way to make it work. If I don't get arrested for slavery first of course!

OP posts:

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 15:09

I wanted to second the poster that said that you and your husband sound wonderful and thoughtful.

In light of your updates (you're her guardian's she's moving here permanently and you're her closest family after losing her mum) I would slightly change my tune in that side I wouldn't want her to feel in your debt because you've paid for her flights visas etc. no one would think twice about this if it were their own child and you wouldn't want her to feel differently.

I agree that you'd want to end up treating her as you would a young adult daughter who was living with you. On the other hand I think will take time to develop, if she's new to the household it'll take time for her to feel part of the family and that should be the priority. I imagine when things settle down arrangements would become much more casual. e.g. "ooo I wanted to pop to the shops for an hour are you OK to watch the kids while I'm gone?".

Niloufes · 28/12/2016 15:10

Can you afford to pay her? If so why worry about it. Its a job to her. Also how much are you paying? £10 a night is great value and a little bit of money in her pocket. £40 a night, not so great but the going rate for non family members.

SapphireStrange · 28/12/2016 15:55

Re: the poster who made the slave comment – their username suggests to me that they might be taking the piss.

ArcheryAnnie · 28/12/2016 16:01

If she's effectively a family member whose room and board you pay for, then she should pitch in like everyone else, and asking her to babysit (on the understanding that she can say no) is not a big deal, just like you wouldn't pay her to do the washing up once in a blue moon.

PotteringAlong · 28/12/2016 16:06

You see, I wouldn't expect my 18 year old to babysit for nothing - help with the household, yes. Look after younger children who are not their responsibility? No.

Munstermonchgirl · 28/12/2016 16:12

But washing up is a necessary daily chore; everyone uses plates and cups and therefore it's common courtesy to just pitch in.

Babysitting isn't a necessary chore- it's actually a really responsible job and to treat it on the level of washing up is missing the point. Everyone I know who was ever excepted to mind younger siblings really resented it... even if they didn't show it at the time. It's taking advantage.
If you're treating your niece as you would an adult dd, by all means expect her to pitch in with daily chores but don't expect her to be a free babysitter when the going rate is about £12 an hour (afaik- my kids are grown up now.)
I agree with the poster who said it will take a little while for things to settle, and you've obviously taken your responsibility as her legal guardian as you should, and welcomed her into your home, but if you truly want her to feel like a daughter then it's important not to let her feel she 'owes' you.

ArcheryAnnie · 28/12/2016 23:14

Well, no - I think expecting it isn't on, but asking for a favour from someone who is living with you is perfectly acceptable. If you have someone living with you for free, there are going to be nights when they are in anyway. It isn't asking the world to ask them to babysit as it puts them to very little extra trouble. Reciprocal favours in a family setting are perfectly normal, and an adult who was perfectly happy living in the family home for free but would demand payment for keeping an eye out for the kids on a night they are home anyway would be an odd duck indeed.

funkky · 28/12/2016 23:25

I lived with my older sister a bit when I moved to the UK and I did babysit her 3 kids on the odd occasion they had to go out without pay and I was happy to help. Nothing formal it's just what you do to help others.

Ohyesiam · 28/12/2016 23:34

Op, a lot of my friends use an organisation called Working Away, where they offer board and lodging to people who want to travel, in return for 5 hours work a day.
As past of a way of setting up an infrastructure for you all, you could check out their website together. It would open up discussion.

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