To think we shouldn't pay for babysitting?

[SenoritaViva]

I think this is really after the horse has bolted as DH has already said we will.

We've recently had an 18 year old family member move in with us from abroad. She currently has no income, although I have found her a job starting in the new year. We have bought her lots of clothes, Christmas pressies etc, paid for her flights and visa. Please note I don't begrudge any of this! But DH thinks I'm unreasonable that I don't think we should pay for her babysitting (she'd like to save up to travel). DH and I rarely go out so it wouldn't be often.

I'm a bit annoyed because he didn't discuss it with me first and we come from different standpoints. Am I a horrible person for thinking that we shouldn't pay? Very prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

In light of all the updates, I'd pay a token amount but not full agency rates. So maybe £10 or so if the kids are in bed and no trouble and you and DH are back not too late.

It sounds like a lovely thing to have done and hopefully she'll be working soon.

I would however sit down with DH and work out a long term plan and discuss with her. So you expect her to save if not paying housekeeping, who buys toiletries etc? Mum bought the basics for us and charged a % of our salary as housekeeping. I bought extras like make up, hair styling products, hair cuts etc, clothes. It's good to be really clear so everyone knows what's expected, you can then treat over and above if you want but the baseline is known.

A friend's Mum took housekeeping and saved it for her without her knowing. She got a lump sum when she moved into her first house. An other idea maybe?

Ohyes the OP's neice is not "working away" though - the OP and OP's DH are the only family this 18 year old young woman now has - they are her legal guardians. The OP's home is the only home she has, she is not on a gap year!

(were her legal guardians from the age of 16 rather - now she is 18 she presumably doesn't legally have a guardian... Nevertheless they are the nearest thing to parents she has, and clearly don't intend to treat her like a backpacker choosing to travel the world, as that is very far from being her situation).

To be honest, given that she has no parents to help her out it might be a nice gesture to pay her and offer her a bit of security.

Yes, we are the closest thing she has to a family and we will treat her like our daughter. However, difficult for me to imagine as my daughter is only nine so I find it hard to know how I will be as a parent when she is eighteen.

The reality is that we are more likely to be overly generous rather than mean. Her arrival in our lives has meant vast expenses that we hadn't budgeted for really (visas, driving lessons, car etc) plus my children are now sharing a room etc so the upheaval has been huge! We are delighted to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way (except of course her mum back). Nevertheless the stress and change is huge! Thank you for all your suggestions and help.

Hmm, not sure really. My parents always paid me if I could be making money elsewhere - I did loads of babysitting. I remember they matched what I would have got on NYE when I was asked by someone else. I'd probably pay her.

If she was 18 and in education I think I'd expect her to contribute to family/household chores. If she's out of work and education, I do t think it's unreasonable to ask a bit more, including babysitting. A token payment might be kind to allow her some spends of her own, but I wouldn't pay a commercial rate. If I have babysitting from family/friends I don't offer to pay but will provide drinks/dinner/snacks and then wine/flowers. So in my opinion treats + £10 would be plenty.

I would pay her. We had a similar situation when I was growing up. My father's much younger sister came to live with us after their parents died. She was only about 14 when she first came to live with us. My parents never asked her to babysit, despite all the charming comments from idiots about how convenient it must be to have a live-in babysitter. These comments were often made in front of my aunt, a young girl who had lost both her parents and was in the depths of grief. As she grew older, she offered to babysit. It was her idea, never suggested by my parents. And my parents paid her. That went on for a couple of years until she said she would be happy to babysit for free.

Based on these experiences I would follow the same path. Your niece is bereaved and may well feel very alone in the world. I would be sensitive to her emotional state and not do anything that might make her feel exploited. Just to be clear, I don't think occasional babysitting would be exploitation but her emotional condition may mean she could interpret it that way.

Helping out around the house should be expected-as I would with my own children. Keeping rooms tidy, emptying and loading the dishwasher, putting food away, putting clothes away etc I think I would sit her down and discuss the babysitting-'how would you feel about babysitting for £10' type of question and gauge her response.

You said you've been financially supporting her for the 2 years since you became her legal guardians, so I would imagine the costs are something you've kind of grown used to? If you're genuinely funding loads of extra stuff (you mention driving lessons ) then maybe look at how you can budget for those things. It must be difficult, as your own children are much younger so you haven't had time to 'grow into' all this, but as a guideline, no parent I know (us included) ) have funded unlimited driving lessons. We have each of ours a set of lessons for their 17th birthdays and then they topped up further lessons through their Saturday jobs. By 18 we also expected all clothes, toiletries etc to be self funded though in the case of necessary expensive items (e.g. Decent shoes, interview outfits) we would make a contribution or give as part of Christmas presents.

I agree with everyone who says it'd be a good idea to talk through with your dh what you can reasonably afford, and then if you want her to babysit, pay her properly. It doesn't do children any harm to know their aren't unlimited funds, so I don't think you should feel guilty if you can't afford driving lessons etc but I still think it's important to acknowledge that if she's doing a job (not a round the house daily chore) for you, she gets remunerated properly