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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn't pay for babysitting?

85 replies

SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:03

I think this is really after the horse has bolted as DH has already said we will.

We've recently had an 18 year old family member move in with us from abroad. She currently has no income, although I have found her a job starting in the new year. We have bought her lots of clothes, Christmas pressies etc, paid for her flights and visa. Please note I don't begrudge any of this! But DH thinks I'm unreasonable that I don't think we should pay for her babysitting (she'd like to save up to travel). DH and I rarely go out so it wouldn't be often.

I'm a bit annoyed because he didn't discuss it with me first and we come from different standpoints. Am I a horrible person for thinking that we shouldn't pay? Very prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
BlossomHillOne · 28/12/2016 12:31

Isn't she a bit old for pocket money?

5moreminutes · 28/12/2016 12:31

You being/ having been her legal guardians for the last 2 years does make it far more complicated though as effectively you are her parents... as in she has no other parents to offer to buy her work clothes or give her a few pounds for bus fares or whatever until her job starts.

I can see why, as you have effectively spent a lot on her already, you would expect her to babysit for free, but on the other hand she sounds as if she doesn't have a penny to her name. A tenner for babysitting will be a massive deal to her as the only money she actually owns to choose what to do with, whether she uses it to buy you a bunch of flowers or to sit in a cafe on her own for an hour with a coffee and a slice of cake...

Perhaps it is a good time though to tell her that you love having her with you and hope she feels at home, and now that she has settled in a bit you need to sort out who does what around the house, and split non child related chores three ways between the 2 adults in the house. If she is lovely she will be happy to pull her weight as long as you don't take advantage.

I'd get her doing her fair share of all the other chores but pay her for babysitting as she has no money of her own at all and nobody else "on her side" until she starts work.

Bobsmum02 · 28/12/2016 12:31

Absolutely yanbu. If I had a teenage daughter and she lived at home with no charge, clothes bought for her etc and I'd supported her through her education etc I would expect her to pull her weight around the house, to me this includes the odd bit of babysitting. If you are her legal guardian this situation is no different, it's the least she can do!

5moreminutes · 28/12/2016 12:32

*split non child related household chores 3 ways between 3 adults I mean

1horatio · 28/12/2016 12:33

I agree, pocket money is the way to go.

I sometimes got a small amount for sitting my younger sister (really small).

I did get quite a lot when sitting my half brothers. But I didn't live with them and that was very often a whole weekend (so, Friday evening until Sunday afternoon, for example). I think giving her something for long-time babysitting like that wouldn't be a bad idea.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:33

Thanks penguinsandpebbles. It is really hard (for all of us, including her). I see what you mean about the difference now.

The thing is people keep saying remember you aren't her mother, which I agree with but finding the balance of treating her like a daughter but not being a mother is tricky!

OP posts:
diddl · 28/12/2016 12:36

I don't think older siblings should be expected to look after younger ones for nothing tbh.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:36

5moreminutes - I wish! I do 90% of everything. Perhaps this is the root of the problem as I can't ask her to do stuff DH doesn't!

Anyone with an 18 year old who has left school give advice on pocket money? Might have to start another thread!

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 28/12/2016 12:37

No, nothing as she has no income and won't once she starts working.

I'm Confused at this. What does it mean?

She STILL won't pay board even when she starts working?
or
Even when she starts working she will have no income?

If she's going to be working and earning then I think she should pay board. In the meantime, maybe make an arrangement where you pay her to babysit while she has no money, on the understanding that you won't pay her again once she's working and earning?

physicskate · 28/12/2016 12:38

Wait - paid for her visa?? Does her visa allow work?? Not sure where you are but a UK visitor visa (for example) does not allow any paid or unpaid work (including household chores or babysitting, for example).

SnatchedPencil · 28/12/2016 12:38

YABU. The relative is in a new country, has no money and is completely reliant on you. You shouldn't pay a fortune for her to babysit, but if it takes up her time then she should be compensated financially.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:40

She's starting work in a few weeks. Sorry, my sentence was confusing. I meant she won't pay board once she starts earning.

OP posts:
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:41

Her visa does allow her to work!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 28/12/2016 12:41

My DD is 19 and working until her Uni course starts and she contributes financially. Not asking her to make a contribution, even if it doesnt add up to much, isnt doing her any favours. She needs to learn how to budget and put her housing costs etc before her social life/shopping.

lljkk · 28/12/2016 12:42

Families help each other out. I ask my 15yo to keep half an eye on younger siblings if I pop out for a while. No strings involved, and tbf the younger kids mostly mind themselves (not under 5s). Can the 18yo not get a job?

Lostwithinthehills · 28/12/2016 12:44

To my mind if you have been this girl's legal guardian for the last two years you have taken on a parental type role towards her. I think that housing her and clothing her is your responsibility as her guardian, especially as she has only just moved here from overseas, so I don't feel that you can think that she owes you anything for that. It's up to you whether you ask for rent or board once she starts work, many parents don't charge their 18 year old children, but some do. You can't hold it against her if you choose not to. Is your husband offering to pay for babysitting indefinitely or just until she is working? Will sh be working full time or part time alongside studying? As to the general chores, surely most 18 year olds are expected to clean and tidy up after themselves and additionally take a turn to hoover, wash up clean the bathroom?

1horatio · 28/12/2016 12:44

As basically an adult she can be expected to do something.

In the kitchen, hoovering, doing laundry, cooking a few times a week. That's normal, she'd need to do these things if she lived alone.

Babysitting? I don't think older siblings should be used to babysit. It was expected of me and I often adjusted my schedule at university (One year I missed every Friday lecture, for example...), sometimes couldn't go out because of it etc and that did cause resentment. A lot. Simply because that was expected of me and not even properly acknowledged.

But yes, if she babysits for an hour sometimes when you go grocery shopping or anything... that's fine imo.

But for anything regular or longtime she deserves some form of pay in my opinion.

OnMountains · 28/12/2016 12:45

Pocket money is usually earned in most families, so it would not be unreasonable to ask her to babysit without additional pay as part of that.

IloveJudgeJudy · 28/12/2016 12:50

It's a tricky situation, but from your op it seems that she has zero disposable income atm. I probably would give her a few pounds for babysitting.

But.. why won't she be paying board when she starts working? Won't she be living with you? If she will be, she definitely needs to pay board. All our DC know that once they've left full time education they need to pay board of some kind. She should be the same.

Enkopkaffetak · 28/12/2016 12:52

OP I have an almost 19 year old.

We do not pay her pocket money (expect her to sort this with her job) however I do still purchase some clothing, we are paying for her driving licence and she doesn't contribute to food and boarding. Next year she is hoping to go to university we will aid her with board likely (not worked that one out fully yet but we will financially support her)

I expect her to do 1 kitchen day a week (we are a family of 6) This includes dishwasher and leaving kitchen tidy without anything to wash up after. I also expect her to cook once a week and to ensure her laundry is done I expect her and her siblings to leave things tidy. (they do not always remember this memo Xmas Smile)

We use a rota system in the house so once a week everyone has to do 2 chores. (they go from " easy things" like cleaning the tv stands and screens to more lengthy chores like vacuum the stair cases/ cleaning bathrooms)

I have never asked her to babysit her siblings (next youngest is almost 17 so short age gaps) however in your situation as your dh have already offered I think I would pay half the going rate. This would depend on where you live. I do not think you will have a issue there as it is acknowledging she doesn't have to do this however also nodding to the fact she lives with you all.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:52

We haven't asked her to babysit, just that DH has said we will if we do.

I never said we shouldn't pay for her clothing or food etc. Just that it has been a massive expense recently (over £5k which is more than half my annual salary for my part time job). I don't begrudge any of this as I said in my original post, it is our responsibility. If anything I'm very stressed about our finances so sorry if that makes me seem as if I begrudge anything.
The reality is we won't be able to afford to go out anyway Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:54

Thank you Enkopkaffetak that is helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 12:55

I think the consensus is that she should be paid, so happy to do so.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 28/12/2016 13:00

Is she dh's daughter?

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 28/12/2016 13:01

No, niece

OP posts: