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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she isn't "Jealous" she just plain doesnt like you?

90 replies

RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 09:48

Met up with some friends last night and one of them has just started a new job in the last few weeks, and is having problems with another woman at work ...this woman keeps making snippy comments and acting in a way which makes my friend think she doesn't like her.

Cue everyone else in my group of friends saying awwww just ignore her She is probably just jealous of you hun

Now I feel bad for my friend as it isn't nice when someone doesn't like you and if this person at work doesn't like her for whatever reason then she should just keep it to herself. But not everyone is everyones cup of tea, its just life. but AIBU to think maybe the woman just generally doesn't like my friend? Why does "jealousy" need to come into it?

And its only ever used when its about women...Hmm I have heard it said in this sort of circumstance so many times

Is it just me Blush

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 14/12/2016 09:49

YANBU, it's possible to not like someone without being jealous. Maybe your friends were trying to make her feel better about the situation though.

user1480946351 · 14/12/2016 09:50

You see it all the time on here, someone is being mean so she must be jealous. No basis for saying so, no facts. It's pathetic, it means "you're so awesome if someone doesn't like you they must be jealous of your awesomeness".

Er, no. Maybe she just thinks you're a tit?

Rainydayspending · 14/12/2016 09:53

It's the standard playground message. Boys aren't being horrible (they secretly fancy you). Girls aren't being horrible (they're just jealous).
If people were more upfront about calling behaviour what it is as children everyone would probably be less confused as an adult.
Easy enough to not expect to get on with everyone.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 14/12/2016 09:55

Oh I hate the 'jealous' thing. I was accused of jealousy once, because I didn't like another woman - no, it was nothing to do with jealousy, and everything to do with the fact she was a highly manipulative professional victim and an all round bitchy nightmare.

Original poster
RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 09:55

Maybe your friends were trying to make her feel better about the situation though

Oh I agree.....but it does seem to be the default placatory "saying" in this sort of circumstance

I even had my Dmum say it about DD (age just 7) when one of DD little friends fell out with DD. (to me, not to DD)

I dunno maybe I am over thinking but makes me sort of feel its just another example of females being/feeling in competition with eachother

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 14/12/2016 09:56

There are lots of people I don't like but I generally just choose not to socialise with them, making snippy comments and making it obvious that you don't like a new work colleague is overly obnoxious and it would make me think that either the person was generally unpleasant or was threatened in some way.

In any case people are obviously just trying to make your friend feel better, she probably realises this other woman might just dislike her rather than being jealous, your friends are just trying to be nice.

Katy07 · 14/12/2016 09:56

Totally agree.

Wonderflonium · 14/12/2016 09:56

Yeah, that gets my back up. I had a major falling out with a colleague (I was insensitive and said exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time, and she was understandably very upset), and all the other women at work told her it was probably because I was "jealous".

No... I was a lummox and engaged my mouth before my brain. I didn't have it out for her, I was just an insensitive twat. It did make me wonder, though, what would I have been jealous OF?

Katy07 · 14/12/2016 09:57

With the OP that is.

QueenMortificado · 14/12/2016 09:58

This exact thing has happened at my work, except the woman making "snippy comments" is just telling the new colleague the best / done way of doing things and the colleague just isn't that good

I really don't ever understand why anyone would be jealous of anyone and think the saying is ridiculous

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2016 10:04

You see it on here all the time...

OP: Everyone's stopped talking to me. What've I done? I'm really kind.

MNers: Aww OP you sound lovely, they're just jealous bitches. You don't need them.

Ummmm... like the OP is ever going to admit they're not kind!

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2016 10:04

I think if you're pretty or slim or attractive, then another woman not liking you is often attributed to jealousy. It's also an easy way of explaining why someone wouldn't like you and to make you feel better about yourself, to say the person is jealous indicates there is something about you to be jealous of. It's an easier message than, yeah she just doesn't like you.

Is it jealousy, sometimes yes, obviously there is that, but often it can be a simple dislike.

TheLivingAsheth · 14/12/2016 10:15

You also get posters accusing the OP of being jealous if they have a beef with someone. "Sorry, but you sound jealous."

TheLivingAsheth · 14/12/2016 10:15

I don't mean this OP! Ops in general!

shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 10:18

I think it's a pretty cliched thing to say to try to make someone feel better: it turns a negative ('she hates you') into a positive ('because you're awesome'). However, as you say, it's also a way of not really getting to the heart of the issue, which is essentially that someone is being bullied, which is a devastating experience. It also reinforces this idea, as you say, that women are inherently supposed to compete with one another. Ugh Sad

DailyFail1 · 14/12/2016 10:18

Sometimes it can genuinely be jealousy. A youngish man at work was getting viciously bullied by a much older colleague after getting a promotion they'd both applied for.

Trifleorbust · 14/12/2016 10:23

It's because of the stereotype that women are meant to be 'nice'. If someone doesn't like you, you must be 'not nice', therefore it's more comforting to feel that they envy you. It's the same with the 'he must fancy you' comments when it's a man. Women are 'supposed' to be 'attractive', therefore a man not liking them suggests they are 'unattractive' (because men like 'nice girls').

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2016 10:23

which is essentially that someone is being bullied,...

Not necessarily, and I think it's a mistake to assume that. Remember you rarely hear both sides of the story. As mentioned by a PP, one person's snippy comments is another person's exasperation.

Starypjs · 14/12/2016 10:25

Maybe this woman isn't that engaged in the whole like/dislike thing, perhaps she goes to work, does her job and isn't interested in/ doesn't care about the people around her. They're just work people.

shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 10:25

But exasperation that upsets - and can be misinterpreted as bullying - isn't appropriate, right? People should have better communication skills than this! It's not OK to be snippy.

Caroian · 14/12/2016 10:27

YANBU

Sometimes, of course, there is jealousy involved. But there needs to be a root to it. They generally have something that the other person may resent them for - like the promotion example above. But there is rarely a basis for someone to be jealous of another person they barely know, to the extent that they are mean or horrible.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/12/2016 10:29

Yanbu! Its bullshit isn't it.

they hate you, simples Grin

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2016 10:35

shovetheholly - I totally agree about communication, but "being snippy" is harder. What is "snippy" anyway? Soooo many threads on here with "She thinks I was being snippy - You've done nothing wrong OP".

Original poster
RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 10:53

*OP: Everyone's stopped talking to me. What've I done? I'm really kind.

MNers: Aww OP you sound lovely, they're just jealous bitches. You don't need them.

Ummmm... like the OP is ever going to admit they're not kind!*

Ha ha milk! yeah seen it on here loads

OP posts:
Original poster
RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 10:55

Also if I had been out with male friends and the same scenario arose, but between two males, no man would ever accuse another man of being jealous

like I say its never or v v rarely said about two men

OP posts:
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