To think she isn't "Jealous" she just plain doesnt like you?

[RocketQueenP]

Met up with some friends last night and one of them has just started a new job in the last few weeks, and is having problems with another woman at work ...this woman keeps making snippy comments and acting in a way which makes my friend think she doesn't like her.

Cue everyone else in my group of friends saying awwww just ignore her She is probably just jealous of you hun

Now I feel bad for my friend as it isn't nice when someone doesn't like you and if this person at work doesn't like her for whatever reason then she should just keep it to herself. But not everyone is everyones cup of tea, its just life. but AIBU to think maybe the woman just generally doesn't like my friend? Why does "jealousy" need to come into it?

And its only ever used when its about women... I have heard it said in this sort of circumstance so many times

Is it just me

I think if you're pretty or slim or attractive, then another woman not liking you is often attributed to jealousy

Definitely

YANBU. I cannot stand when people say this. I actually know somebody who is very arrogant, always bragging about herself and being rude about others in the process and when anyone called her out on it she would proclaim they were "jealous" of her. Actually, believe it or not people just think you're a c**t. 😁

LOL bitchqueen I can't even begin to imagine how arrogant one would have to be to openly accuse others of jealousy

rocket she's terrible. If anyone says a bad word about her it's because she's pretty and they "must hate their body and face." I've never known anyone like it.

I joined a new team when I received a promotion in the same company. One woman was very off with me, noticeable to everyone. Other team members mentioned it to me so it was not my imagination.

I asked the main boss what the deal was and I found out she had applied for the job I secured and she was angry she didn't get it. So instead of asking why she did not secure the job and work on any gaps in her experience etc she chose to be a dick to me.

I worked it out and we ended up on good terms but if people were more mature and communicated a bit more things would be less stressful in the workplace.

Actually, I think if someone is constantly rude to you and making snippy remarks they probably are jealous. If you just don't like someone, you'd probably ignore them or avoid spending time with them. Why bother making snippy, goady remarks? It's usually because you resent something about them - that they're better looking than you, or more successful.

My MIL has a saying, "You are not a little gold coin for everyone to love you" and I love it.

hackmum: "If you just don't like someone, you'd probably ignore them or avoid spending time with them."

What if you can't avoid her, like when you work together (like in OP's friend's case). And say that the reason you dislike her is because she is incompetent and you have to fix her work, and she is a major kiss-ass. Everyday she does something to remind you of how incompetent and/or a major suck-up she is. So yes, you do make snippy remarks.

It's not just office dynamics and interpersonal relationships either.

Jealousy is constantly attributed to women in an attempt to trivialise or minimise their opinions (which might be why it's slung around on MN more than average);

Republican? You're just jealous of HMQ/Ms Middleton/all of them.

Pro-Brexit? You're jealous of immigrants.

Left wing? Just jealous

Etc.

It crops up far more often here than comparable, more mixed sex, places online.

Yes I think that's right manumission.

Used a lot about SIL I notice.

Yanbu and to be honest I don't think it makes anyone feel better. Because when people are saying that to you, you know it's bollocks.

There could be a myriad of reasons someone doesn't like you, jealousy is one.

Unless you nave negative traits it's often the issue of the disliking person. I didn't pursue a friendship with a school mum as she looked very similar to a mean girl at school. Totally nothing to do with her and very unreasonable of me eventually got to know her and she's lovely. If you are confident that you are decent, good company and not overbearing then yes I do put it down to being the other persons issue.

Well i think it depends on the behaviour. I would say theres some cause for saying someone is jealous if they are actively going out of their way to be nasty. They are obviously thinking about you and it youve done nothing that could be construed as confrontational yourself that could have set them off then it may well be jealousy.
However if its just someone ignoring you, not engaging with you or just mildly acting like they dont really like you. Then yes they probs just dont like you!!
I think for someone to have the energy to go out of their way to routinely insult you tho, usually youd either have to have actually done something to make them angry or they would have to be jealous and be resentful of you.

I think in most cases, if you asked people to explain why they think "she's just jealous of you" you'd discover they actually mean "she's just threatened by you"

Funny how men get told you must be a threat to him but women get told she's just jealous - when they usually mean the same thing

I don't think it's very nice or very professional to take against a work colleague, especially one who has only been there for a few weeks.

Saying "not everyone likes everyone" is no excuse either. Just don't be a dick towards someone at work when you're stuck in an office with them five days a week.

I have every sympathy with OP's friend, because I've been there and did nothing to deserve a colleague's obvious dislike.

Actually I think it often is jealousy or something like it. I think a better word would be competition. I think a lot of the problem is that it is acceptable for men to compete with each other, especially in the workplace, and it's all out in the open. Women on the other hand are supposed to be some massive interpersonal support group and it's not seen as being acceptable for them to compete so it all becomes very insidious and passive aggressive.

I have to say I think in a lot of ways we women are our own worst enemies as this thread shows. All this 'I just don't like you' is infantile crap on the level of a playground and is no excuse for treating someone badly. If someone can say that they don't get along with someone because they're in competition for jobs and customers or to make their voices heard in the way that they do things I can respect them. If they're acting like a dick because 'I don't like her' they're no better than a four year old in a playground, lacking maturity, objectivity and respect and deserve no respect.

If I don't like people, find them irritating, nasty or stupid- why would I be jealous of them?

I'm more likely to be jealous of my friends! They're the ones with qualities I admire.

Pp are right, it can be a gendered thing. You don't hear it much said to men. Dh dislikes loads of people esp Chelsea footballers - if I said 'you're just jealous' he would be flabbergasted.

If anyone talks about disliking porn/lap dancing club, you usually get a few posters saying 'don't be jealous' like that's the root of the issue!

There's a woman we know who everyone hates. Is it because she's a proper dangerous, psychopathic liar who does real and lasting damage to people who get close to her? No, everyone is jealous because she married a much older, wealthy widower and destroyed all his family relationships so that she gets everything when he dies.

But a lot of the time, feelings of dislike ARE caused by jealousy or by feeling somehow threatened and if it's a new job, it sounds like this other person hasn't had a chance to get to know your friend much - I'd bet my money on said other person acting out because they feel threatened by your friends arrival. Which is something their line manager needs to sort out.

But a lot of the time, feelings of dislike ARE caused by jealousy or by feeling somehow threatened

How do you know?

Do you mean that for you that's the case?

No, I mean in a work situation like op has just mentioned where everyone barely knows each other and ops friend is the newbie.

I'd bet my money on the other person feeling threatened - and actually I think that's a MUCH better and more accurate word as it's the same for men.

I freelance so I see lots of examples of different workplaces and jealousy.
Actually, I see a lot of cattiness from men who are jealous that a colleague's work has just been praised to high heaven. But it seems to be indulged more than a woman's jealousy would be. "He's showing how competitive he is," was said almost admiringly about a man who had just been so balatantly jealous about another man's success in a meeting, recently.
I didn't see it as competitiveness. I saw it, as I always see jealousy - including my own - as insecurity.
So yes, I think there can be a lot of jealousy in the workplace but of course that doesn't mean your friend is encountering jealousy, OP.

But how do you KNOW it's jealousy pan?

You don't, do you? (Or do you somehow?) It's all attribution, guesswork and projection, this business of divining other people's motivation from a distance and at speed.

Irrational dislikes are just as likely to be borne of ' her side profile reminds me of that arrogant prefect in sixth form' subconscious irrationality of the kind a PP describes upthread.

Actually I think it often is jealousy or something like it. I think a better word would be competition. I think a lot of the problem is that it is acceptable for men to compete with each other, especially in the workplace, and it's all out in the open. Women on the other hand are supposed to be some massive interpersonal support group and it's not seen as being acceptable for them to compete so it all becomes very insidious and passive aggressive

YY to this Billsykes

It's complex though sometimes. I remember disliking a girl I used to work with who was stunningly beautiful. I disliked her because she got away with not doing her work (which me and a colleague had to pick up). She knew I didn't like her, even though I didn't snipe or talk about her. I just didn't really want to be friends with her/open up I suppose. It irritated me that she got away with murder because she was pretty. Is that jealousy? I don't know.

She was lazy, entitled and used her attractiveness to manipulate. That was what irked. Rather than her being pretty in itself. But I guess everybody else would have assumed I disliked her because she was prettier than me.

I call this 'Pretty Girl Syndrome'. I have known a few women like this, and they grew up in a sort of bubble, with everyone reacting differently to them because of their appearance. They get away with behaviour (stamping their feet when they don't like something, for example) that would be laughed at if I tried it. To a certain extent it's not their fault; they've been trained into it. That doesn't stop it from being irritating, though.
I had a housemate once who was like this. Gorgeous girl (had worked as a stripper; very conventionally attractive) but fucking tiresome in so many ways. All the men in the house went silent when she walked in the room - you could just about hear the saliva splashing. She was indulged left right and centre by them, and she haaated me because I just didn't care.
Trivial examples:
I bought a diary for the house to use for phone messages (share house of about five people). She took it over and started using it as her personal diary, then refused to speak to me for two days when I asked her not to.
I had one of the front rooms and asked that, rather than slamming the front door, people use their keys to close the door. She said in an aggrieved tone 'well I hope someone's going to show me how to do this!' (how have you been getting in all this time?).
She used a (one of my) teatowels as a lid for a pot once (as you do?). It caught fire, so she took it outside and threw it onto another piece of furniture, setting that on fire too, rather than just throwing it on the ground.
So many more instances than these... I swore off share houses after that. I'm fairly sure she thought I was jealous.