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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she isn't "Jealous" she just plain doesnt like you?

90 replies

RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 09:48

Met up with some friends last night and one of them has just started a new job in the last few weeks, and is having problems with another woman at work ...this woman keeps making snippy comments and acting in a way which makes my friend think she doesn't like her.

Cue everyone else in my group of friends saying awwww just ignore her She is probably just jealous of you hun

Now I feel bad for my friend as it isn't nice when someone doesn't like you and if this person at work doesn't like her for whatever reason then she should just keep it to herself. But not everyone is everyones cup of tea, its just life. but AIBU to think maybe the woman just generally doesn't like my friend? Why does "jealousy" need to come into it?

And its only ever used when its about women...Hmm I have heard it said in this sort of circumstance so many times

Is it just me Blush

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 10:59

True milk - good point!

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2016 11:05

YANBU at all and like PPs have said, you see it on MN a lot.

It's the lazy, go-to answer designed to make the person feel better.

There's nothing wrong with trying to make that person feel better, but I often think that as answers go, it's really not a helpful one if they're trying to get to the bottom of why that person doesn't like them.

I put it in the same category as posters saying, "I bet you look gorgeous OP", or "I'm sure you look lovely".

It's a very nice thing to say, but quite meaningless on an anonymous chat forum.

Hardshoulder · 14/12/2016 11:09

It's a particularly dumb cliché, and I agree that it's also gendered and reactionary, and reinforces the misogynistic idea that women's relationships centre on juvenile rivalries based primarily on looks and popularity.

I am more than capable of disliking someone intensely for her incompetence or irresponsibility without it being because she got promoted over me and has nice hair. Grin I am of course unfailingly civil and professional.

And I don't mind being disliked in my turn. I certainly don't need to feed myself a fantasy scenario that it's because of I've won some kind of inter-departmental Nice Hair contest.

ChBa · 14/12/2016 11:10

Yeah.... you can just not like someone without it being about jealousy.

Take the school playground.... Some of the mums need a good punch in the gob slap. and i'm not jealous of them.

Some people just dont get on.... life is about learning that, living with it and moving on.... you cant please everyone all of the time.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 14/12/2016 11:23

I think learning to not give a fuck is helpful here. It's far from easy, but it does make you feel better Grin

Nobody goes through life without making a few enemies, with a rational basis or otherwise. I have plenty of people who actively loathe me, but none of those people mean anything to me. I don't lose sleep over it anymore.

BlueBlueSkies · 14/12/2016 11:23

I used to be told this about one of my sisters. I don't like her, I have very little to do with her and have not spoken to her for years.

She used to tell me that the reason I seemed not to like her was that I was jealous of her. The rest of the family supported this. The reason I seemed not to like her was because I did not like her, she was and is a smug bitch.

At the time she was telling me I was jealous of her, she was working for me.

Original poster
RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 11:30

She sounds horrid blue skies

OP posts:
Original poster
RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 11:32

I remember when I was about 21 and reasonably slim pretty in a way that most 21 year olds are...and my boss hated me. she was about twice my age and size and whenever she had a go at me my friends at work used to say oh there goes again she is clearly soooo jealous.

No. She hated me because I was an unprofessional, rude, lazy little shit and I knew it

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 14/12/2016 11:36

Whatever happened to 'she's just a dickhead, take no notice'

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/12/2016 11:40

haveacupoftea - it might be the person complaining that's the dickhead though! I think without a lot of information from both sides a "You two just don't get on, such is life. Not worth losing sleep over." is probably better.

user1470997562 · 14/12/2016 11:58

It's complex though sometimes. I remember disliking a girl I used to work with who was stunningly beautiful. I disliked her because she got away with not doing her work (which me and a colleague had to pick up). She knew I didn't like her, even though I didn't snipe or talk about her. I just didn't really want to be friends with her/open up I suppose. It irritated me that she got away with murder because she was pretty. Is that jealousy? I don't know.

She was lazy, entitled and used her attractiveness to manipulate. That was what irked. Rather than her being pretty in itself. But I guess everybody else would have assumed I disliked her because she was prettier than me.

SelfCleaningVagina · 14/12/2016 12:08

I know what you mean user147 It would be easy for people to interpret your dislike of her as jealousy because she was pretty but actually if she'd been pretty and a lovely person who also pulled her weight at work then I doubt you'd have hated her. You might have been secretly jealous of her looks, but you wouldn't have disliked her as a person and a colleague.

thefrizzyhairedcommunity · 14/12/2016 12:09

YANBU

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 14/12/2016 12:30

I've been jealous of characteristics of people, but that hasn't made me dislike them.

user1480946351 · 14/12/2016 12:50

But exasperation that upsets - and can be misinterpreted as bullying - isn't appropriate, right?

You can't get rid of all human emotion, just in case someone gets upset. Not everyone is going to like you. Maybe someone gets exasperated at you if you are doing badly in your job and making work for them, for example. Why shouldn't they be annoyed and god forbid, actually show it?
That doesn't mean you are being "bullied", which is claimed far too often.

mmmuffins · 14/12/2016 12:56

YANBU, I have been thinking this myself since reading mumsnet. Jealously is always trotted out as the explanation for meanness/bullying. I'm sure it's true in some cases but it is hardly the only reason humans are unkind to each other.

user1470997562 · 14/12/2016 13:35

It would be interesting though to know that what sort of things cause others to just dislike people.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/12/2016 13:47

Someone not being someone's cup of tea is one thing. Bitching and making to use your words making snippy comments,is. Very much another. If she has nothing nice to say. She shouldn't be saying anything. She is after all a grown women. She's not a 12 year old little girl.
TBH. You sound like you're more on this women's side, than on your Friend's.

Lateralthinker2016 · 14/12/2016 13:58

When I dislike someone I just avoid them, it's that simple. I honestly, hand on heart, have never gone out of my way to be bitchy or spiteful to anyone just because they weren't my "cup of tea". That's bullying isn't it really...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/12/2016 14:00

Yes it is, Lateral.

user1480946351 · 14/12/2016 14:32

If she has nothing nice to say. She shouldn't be saying anything

Actual bitching is bad, but the idea that you should never say anything negative ever is just silly.

MrsMattBomer · 14/12/2016 14:37

I thought this was going to be about the song. It's stuck in my head because it's DS1's favourite.

MeetMeAtMidnight · 14/12/2016 14:40

Jealousy is just the easiest get out when we perhaps don't want to explore too deeply the other reasons someone might dislike or get annoyed with us or our friends. In similar situations it's sometimes hard to be brutally honest with a friend when we suspect it's not just jealousy because we know our friend does have her faults - a habit of cutting corners, procrastinating, talking too much etc.

It is a peculiarly female to female thing though, as if men never get jealous.

Shitonyoursofa · 14/12/2016 14:42

It is a very female thing I think. There is a woman in my extended friendship group that I really don't like. She's loud, self obsessed, condescending and thinks she's some sort of local Paris Hilton. I also know a lot of other people, male and female, that think she's a dick. She prefers to think that all women that don't like her are jealous of her because she's sooooo beautiful and popular and successful. When in fact people plain don't like her because she has some really unattractive personality traits and no self awareness.

Lots of PA FB posts about 'haterz' and negative people, people being jealous of the successes of others and so on are her thing. Yawn.

Shutupandsmile · 14/12/2016 15:07

Rocket I had to comment as it was like I could've wrote your op myself Shock I even just had this conversation with DH last week! Sometimes people just don't like you and using the excuse of 'jealousy' is an easy way out and people feelings are hurt a lot less. Very rare is it the case that the other person is actually jealous Hmm

It's such an irritating and avoidant explanation for a situation.