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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified for my DD

102 replies

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 09:24

I can't sugar coat it. My MIL is a terrible driver, she had minor accidents, bumps and scrapes all the time. She does really silly things like recently driving home with her handbrake on and almost setting her car on fire.
She has recently bought a car seat and wants to take my DD, who is currently 4 weeks old, on day trips ASAP. What on earth can I say? I feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

OP posts:
Randytortoise · 14/12/2016 09:25

Just say no.

Believeitornot · 14/12/2016 09:25

You say no. Or tell your DH to say no.

If something happened, how do you think you'd feel if you'd let her drive your dd.

JellyWitch · 14/12/2016 09:26

Just say no. A 4 week old shouldn't be away from you unless in an emergency anyway. So if you go out, you drive.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 14/12/2016 09:30

Your child's safety is more important than someone's feelings. Obviously say it in the most sensitive way possible, but don't feel guilty for doing your job as a parent in protecting your child. Agree it would be better coming from your OH.

PotteringAlong · 14/12/2016 09:32

She's 4 weeks old. Just say no.

Murphysgirl · 14/12/2016 09:34

No, don't let her. My FIL no longer drives (a blessing for everyone) but when he did I never let him drive the children.

nocake · 14/12/2016 09:35

We wouldn't have let anyone take our kids out at 4 weeks. They were over a year old before they went anywhere without me or DW. But, you'll need to have the driving conversation with her at some point and you might have to be brutally honest.

ChipIn · 14/12/2016 09:39

Say no! Your DD is still so young. Do you breastfeed? That's an obvious reason to give for not allowing it. Not that you need to give a reason.

togetherlikeglue · 14/12/2016 09:41

We've been through similar. It might not go down well but it's a conversation you just have to have. Good luck X

Original poster
Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 09:42

No sorry I should have clarified that I definitely will not be letting her go anywhere without me yet. Even though MIL is absolutely desperate, understandably (DH is an only child, and this is the first grandchild etc) But you're all right of course, I'd never forgive myself if anything happened. I just don't know how I'm going to say it.

OP posts:
Laiste · 14/12/2016 09:45

When you have kids you have to put aside your fears of confrontation and do what it takes to sick up for them/keep them safe.

Here is your first experience of that. You have to have the conversation with MIL. (Going by many MN threads you can ask your DH to do it but don't hold your breath).

It does get easier. But there'll be lots more times you have to bite the bullet and say and do things which you'd rather hide from for the good of your kids Flowers

Scooby20 · 14/12/2016 09:45

I have been in a similar situation.

Mil looked after dhs sister toddler who some how manages to escape the house on more than one occasion. She is lovely but useless at supervising kids.

I told DH the kids weren't staying with her until they were old enough to look after themselves. He agreed and I let him dealt with it.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 09:45

Day trips just the two of them ASAP? 4 weeks old? No way... And not for years (if at all with her driving record).

NerrSnerr · 14/12/2016 09:47

I agree with the others, you have to say no. There is no way on this earth my mum will be allowed to look after my children until they are old enough to do everything themselves. We just have to say no.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 09:47

"Sorry MIL, she won't be going on any trips without us until she's much older, maybe in a few years but let's all go to X place sometime..."

Laiste · 14/12/2016 09:48

X posts. Good for you OP.

Just wait till she brings the subject up again and take a deep breath and say look MIL - i don't want to sound mean and i've been worried about having this conversation, but we're not going to let you drive DD as we just don't feel you're that safe a'driver.

Then sweeten it by saying she can look after DD lots - just no driving ect.

NiceFalafels · 14/12/2016 09:49

Be honest with her. Tell her it's not going to happen.

Laiste · 14/12/2016 09:50

And yes to the 'it's way too soon' anyway. However, if you throw that into the mix at this point it will cloud the issue. Her driving probably isn't going to be any better in a year or so, so the age of DD is a mute point.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/12/2016 09:50

Way too young. Even if she was a competent driver, no need for her to be taking her out so soon.

SuperPug · 14/12/2016 09:55

How is your mil still driving ?!? Has DH etc. addressed this with her before? Leaving the handbrake on, nearly setting fire to the car- I would be worried about mil here as well as that seems to go beyond a few mistakes when driving.

Hardshoulder · 14/12/2016 09:57

Look, she wouldn't be 'taking her on trips' for probably years to come, anyway - and whether or not she's an only grandchild is a moot point (My now four year old is and will remain an only grandchild despite my parents having four children and my parents weren't agitating for days out before I washed the vernix off!) and your job, however awkward, is to make sure she's safe.

I don't let my son go in the car with DH's parents, because his father, despite annual eyesight checks etc, seems to accumulate endless scraps and minor 'incidents'. And yes, that has involved awkward moments, but hey. Only a loon would put their child into danger for the sake of politeness.

Gazelda · 14/12/2016 09:58

No need to tackle this yet. But when the time comes, in a good few years, could you say "darling MIL, we know how scatty you are and love you for it. But we'd hate for you to have the added distraction of a tot in the car, so we won't take you up on your kind offer. But let's all go together to the farm some time. I'll drive and you can sit in the back with DD to entertain her".

SuperPug · 14/12/2016 09:58

I think you have to make sure that she is absolutely aware, under no circumstances, to take your child out in the car. If she's looking after her, "oh, we just went to the park/shops etc. only a quick journey."

SortAllTheThings · 14/12/2016 10:01

"I'm not ready to leave her yet"

You don't need to say that you're never going to let her go in the car with her. Just say that you can't leave her yet, and repeat each time it comes up. This worked until my youngest was about 18mo when my MIL kept insisting that he should come for overnights (he had problems when he was born and i really was not ready to let him stay with anybody but me until that age)

Should she be driving at all? Sounds like a fucking liability!

5moreminutes · 14/12/2016 10:02

Somebody has to discuss her driving with her (is she a young grandmother or an older grandmother? Grandmother of a newborn could potentially be any age from her 40s to her 80s - or technically older as she is the mother of the baby's father so it is impossible to know whether she is young or elderly or in between) If she is an older grandmother could it be that she shouldn't really be driving any longer for her own sake as well as that of everyone else? Or has she just always been a terrible driver?

You won't want her driving your DC when she is 2, or 6 or even 12 or 15 if she is actually a dangerous driver so saying DC is too young is just going to mean she keeps on asking whether you consider DC old enough yet or expecting to drive off with her as soon as you stop breast feeding/ start weaning/ go back to work and leave her with a child minder / send her to preschool...