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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified for my DD

102 replies

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 09:24

I can't sugar coat it. My MIL is a terrible driver, she had minor accidents, bumps and scrapes all the time. She does really silly things like recently driving home with her handbrake on and almost setting her car on fire.
She has recently bought a car seat and wants to take my DD, who is currently 4 weeks old, on day trips ASAP. What on earth can I say? I feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 10:03

I know pug, I know. I was beside myself when she phoned. I'm hoping after this particular episode she will understand where I'm coming from. Hopefully I can just put it off for a while. Thank you for some of your suggestions on what to say and no of course I won't put my child in danger as not to offend my MIL it's just such an awkward thing. She's so nice but she can get cross quickly. I think DH would deal with it. He's very good at talking to her about this sort of stuff

OP posts:

gymbummy · 14/12/2016 10:03

Can you not just tell a little white lie - 'DD doesn't like to travel on her own in the back and gets distressed. It would be wonderful if you could sit with her in the back and I'll drive'

2boysnamedR · 14/12/2016 10:04

My FIL has had episodes of blacking out. Once when he was in the car. He's supposedly been ok'd to drive again but my kids would never ever be allowed in a car with him driving. Mind you not much of a issue for me as hes totally disinterested in them. When I had a emergency and ds needed a lift home he never came into my equation even for a two mile drive. You have every right to just say it's not ok.

Original poster

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 10:05

Yeah 5 we are only in our 20s she's a young grandmother. That's what makes it worse in a way. I can't say to her look it's getting time to hand the licence in or anything. That would be awkward in itself but at least it's a reason. Argh

OP posts:

juneau · 14/12/2016 10:07

You say 'No fucking way MIL!!!'

I wouldn't let my DC go in a car with her if she was the last driver on earth.

ItsRainingDeer · 14/12/2016 10:08

You have to bite the bullet and say no. Be prepared for an argument, to list the instances when she's broken the law/done something dangerous. I've had to do this with my parents, still not forgiven! At the moment it's immaterial because the DC's car seats (high back booster type) don't fit in their new car. Just suggest trips where you drive/walk or public transport. Fortunately my MIL, who is not a confident driver, doesn't want to drive mine anywhere as she fears they would distract her, so finds other things to do with them.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2016 10:09

What sort of car seat? For what age?

Isofix or seatbelt? New or second-hand?

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 14/12/2016 10:09

I have this issue with my DM. DS is two and so far we've got round it by not buying an extra carseat. She doesn't baby sit very often and when she does I either deliver him to hers or she comes here, and I make sure I leave in the car with the carseat. A couple of times she's mentioned she'd like to take him somewhere and I've 'mmhmm'ed and changed the subject.

I know your mil has already bought the carseat but could you day it isn't suitable? Not a high enough safety rating/ you've read some bad reviews? Then say as of course baby won't be going anywhere without you for a while, it seems a bit of a waste to replace it as they'll probably be in the next size, and you'll get one for her that you're happy with if it's needed. Then don't because it won't be needed.

lilapril · 14/12/2016 10:09

We had a similar situation with a family member where we didn't say anything because it was too awkward / we didn't want to come across as being mean.... Now the situation has gone on for so long we've gone past the stage of being able to say anything!

So I think you need to be very honest with her from the beginning. You can say it in a kind way, but I think it would be best for everyone in the long run to get it dealt with now.
I know it's hard, wishing you luck op

shovetheholly · 14/12/2016 10:12

Your DH - not you - needs to be honest with her about why she'll never be allowed to drive your DD. How about suggesting (or purchasing) some extra driving lessons to help her improve? It sounds like she's a danger to other people's children too!

MistressMerryWeather · 14/12/2016 10:12

I agree just say no.

When DS1 was a baby FIL was told he must always wear his glasses while driving but thought he knew best and continuously refused to wear them.

DH and I were with him when he almost drove into an oncoming car and had to emergency break. MIL commented that if we had been in an accident the insurance would be void because he wasn't wearing his glasses - Yes, that would be the worst thing.

I told him DS wasn't allowed in his car.

It was awkward but I couldn't have cared less, there is a time for being polite but when it comes to safety you don't fuck about.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 10:17

Kittenrush It may feel awkward but in reality it is very simple.
Whether she is young or old
Whether she is nice or not
Whether she gets cross quickly or not
Whether this is her first grandchild, her only grandchild or one of a dozen

No, Granny/MIL baby is not going in the car with you.
Not now with me (because I can't leave her), so I will drive us anywhere we go. Or Dh or taxi or whatever...
No not in the future when, if you ever leave her with MIL.

If she asks..
Why,

because...your driving is unsafe (list episode going back as far as you need to but only if you need to make your point and in the kindest way possible). I'd also offer to drive or go another way (personally) so her not driving baby does not stop her seeing baby.

Don't say ... I don't think your driving is safe, because it is no just your opinion, it is a fact... So just say, you are not a safe driver or perhaps slightly more kindly...your driving is unsafe....

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 10:18

Just for the record my inlaws are fabulous grandparents but very rarely look after my kids on their own. And when they do it is always at our house. The kids have not been to stay with them on their own, or traveled by car with them alone. The kids have not necessarily wanted to do this (they are a bit clingey at times, there are reasons for this, DD has autisdtic traits and ds is adopted) but they have sometimes had sole charge of kids and driven them about not when they were tiny. I say this because people seem to assume all grandparents will look after the grandchildren, alone, take them out, drive them around. It does happen but in some families it does not.

You decide what is right, with your dh, in your family. But if your dh and you disagree then regardless of whose mum she is the 'rule' is - if in doubt do not do it!

You don't need your dh to speak to his mum, she is your daughter too.

In fact when giving negative information (like 'No, we can't do that') it is sometimes easier if it is the in-law not the son or daughter who gets to say it, IMHO.

canihaveacoffeeplease · 14/12/2016 10:21

Has she bought a top quality car seat? We got away with not having my d sis take out dd because her car doesn't have isofix!

You could say you are very anal about car seat safety and due to your research it must be x car seat which unfortunatley doesn't fit in her car...

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2016 10:26

My SIL wouldn't let my DF drive her children when they were small because she was once in the car with him when he clipped someone's wing mirror on a narrow country lane. I had no problem with him driving my children as I felt this was just a misjudgement - which I might well have done myself. He was very hurt by this, but obviously had to abide by it and it did curtail what activities he could do with them.

I felt she had overreacted but it was her prerogative to ban him from driving them. The thing is, she expected him not to mind and to just be OK with it - which he wasn't, he was very upset. As long as you are OK with this, then there should be no problem. You hold the trump card (as did she) that your MIL wants to see her grandchild - she has to accept what you want, even though it upsets her.

As soon as they were 18 they seemed to have no problem having lifts from him though.

CozumelFox · 14/12/2016 10:28

My mother once said car seats were 'a silly waste of time' and she would refuse to use one with my children. She also said she would never sit them in the back, but always in the front with her "in case they choked" on the sweets she would of course be giving them. Car accidents "don't happen to people like us" and she also likes to start on the evening's two bottles of wine by about 4pm.

She's never driven them anywhere. Thankfully she lost interest the moment they were born and has never even asked to, nor does she want to look after them, but I had all the speeches prepared for how she would not be driving them places because... well, basically a more polite way of saying she was a nutjob.

For now you're safe - there is no need for you to be separated from your baby, and if you do choose to leave her with another caregiver, don't tell the MIL. Once the kids are older... either address it, or always claim to be too busy. I mean, it could be a huge thing for her and she goes mad and never speaks to you again, people have been known to react like that, but your child's safety comes first.

Parker231 · 14/12/2016 10:29

Just say 'no' - this is not what we want to do. Don't get drawn into a discussion about it.

amusedbush · 14/12/2016 10:30

I agree, I think you just have to take a deep breath and say it. If you skirt around the issue and fob her off, she'll keep asking and you'll run out of excuses. Your baby's safety trumps her feelings.

Misspilly88 · 14/12/2016 10:31

I said to mine, who aren't particularly awful drivers, but not great either, 'I don't feel comfortable with anyone else driving him yet. I'll let you know when you can'.

DailyFail1 · 14/12/2016 10:32

Tell her the truth, that her driving is awful and you're genuinely scared for your dd. Get dp involved if needed.

kaitlinktm · 14/12/2016 10:37

Oh - and be prepared for the "so nur" if ever you or your DH bump the car!

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 10:43

Besides all this, which 4 week old wants to go on a day trip with her granny? She wants to be with her parents all the time.

RochelleGoyle · 14/12/2016 11:22

Say no.

Original poster

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 11:25

I have no idea what sort of car seat it is. I had no idea she was even getting it, apparently it's second hand but is from a friend and has been safety checked. All things that already don't sit at all well with me. I don't know what age it's for. I'm hoping it's a small one or something and I can just put her off until DD has outgrown it.
Kaitlin if it was a one off wing mirror clip I wouldn't have any sort of issue but this is a catalogue of crazy incidents
And just to reiterate, no she definitely won't be going anywhere without me yet and for some time to come. It's just something that's playing on my mind.

OP posts:

primarynoodle · 14/12/2016 11:28

'I spoke to the car seat specialist and he said absolutely no way for second hand car seats regardless of safety checks, it's not a risk worth taking, maybe you could sell it on? In the mean time where would you like to go? I'll drive us there this weekend'

Shifts the blame elsewhere, she can't argue with specialist safety advice and if your dp is good at talking to her get him to back you up on the 'advice' strongly

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