To be terrified for my DD

[Kittenrush]

I can't sugar coat it. My MIL is a terrible driver, she had minor accidents, bumps and scrapes all the time. She does really silly things like recently driving home with her handbrake on and almost setting her car on fire.
She has recently bought a car seat and wants to take my DD, who is currently 4 weeks old, on day trips ASAP. What on earth can I say? I feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

DH's aunty is a good driver but her husband is awful. She's told me about all the near-misses and accidents he's nearly caused. Nothing major has happened but there's no way on earth I'd get in his car with DS. It's not worth the risk. There have been times where it's caused a bit of tension but I don't care. My duty is to DS, not to keep extended family members from throwing hissy fits.

I'm one for extended rear-facing seats too. DS has always been above the 90% centile, so he's reached the weight category for forward-facing seats way before the recommended age. He was out of his baby carrier by 6 months. MIL wanted me to put him forward facing so she could take him out (the seat won't fit in her car when it's rear facing). I said no, because I don't think he should be put at any extra risk just cos he's a bigger baby. She tried to guilt trip me so hard over that. I stood firm. You just need to do what you think it's right.

I had to have that conversation with my own mother.

The plan had been that we would spend a week of the summer holiday together, and then she would merrily take my kids off to her house for a fortnight while I went home and got on with work (and incidentally with being hugely pregnant with Number 3). But as the week went on, it was so obvious that her driving just wasn't safe - lots of near-misses breezily shrugged off, airy tales of people who had totally unreasonably honked at her when 'driving round corners at her too fast', mysterious scrapes down the side of the car that 'someone must have done to it in the carpark...'

So we had an interesting conversation and a rather radical rethink of the summer's plans, as unfortunately we live a couple of hundred miles apart.

Turns out she was by then functionally blind in one eye and hadn't mentioned it.

Whats with all the grandparents these days wanting/expecting parent free time with their grandkids? It was never a "thing" when I was growing up, if a grandparent came to visit they came to see all of us, didn't just collect us grandkids at the door and take us away somewhere - we spent time all 3 generations, and if I went to visit them, my parents were always invited/with us, and it was a whole family thing..

now it's like a given.. my mother did the same.. kitted out her house for having the baby without us!

Why can't they get their fix with the baby's parents there, why does it have to be a GC/GP only event?

YADNBU..i banned my MIL from having the kids overnight after she had a crash with them in her car (minor prang) then "forgot" to tell us... this was the final straw as the time before DD (then 6) came home with a sliver of glass in her foot after being left unattended at a church fete (had come off the bouncy castle and MIL had taken her shoes and gone off for a wander around the stalls!!!)
it's not nice, especially if you get on well, but you have to put your DCs safety and your sanity ahead of her hurt feelings x

Your DH needs to talk to her. It isn't just your DD who is at risk. I was hit head on by an elderly driver with sight problems. I walked away, as I have a big 4X4, but he spent months in hospital.

I found out from the police that his family knew he shouldn't have been driving, but no one had the courage to stop him.

I love babies but I wouldn't want to deal with one that's not mine on a day trip. This is completely unnecessary and a bizarre request.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone apart from me or dh drive my 4 week old.

I drive my 9 month old grandson locally as I help care for him but no long drives or motorway as unnecessary.

It's really hard because my dad really probably shouldn't be driving he's very careful but painfully slow but as long as they pass the 'field of vision' yearly test then none can stop them as they get insurance.

I would also be worried about her desperation to take any child out for the day? Why would she want to and coukd you trust her not to pop her in the car if she did babysit?

Tinsel, she has done exactly this. She has kitted out an entire baby room. She almost has more stuff than we do. She keeps mentioning that she will have her after christmas. Don't really know what to say or do.
When I say I dont want to do things, a certain way she tells my it'll be fine because she did them that way. It's a problem

I think some women (particlarly not great mothers themselves) want a second go/chance at having a baby an use their GCs to play that out, but if you object you look like the crazy one as "they're just being a loving grandmother" - well a "loving grandmother" surely could love their grandchild in the company of the child's own parent.. as a grandparent, not a part time extra parent.

I totally agree with Tinsel it does seem to be a thing now with grandparents seeing kids without parents. I never saw my grandmas without my parents and my children's grandparents (my adorable and wonderful in laws) see our Kidd mostly with us. From about age 3 they have daytime babysat for us, at out house, but only about half a dozen times a year. They enjoy it (I think) but it is primarily to help us. Their primary relationship is with their son. Although they love the kids they don't seem to wish to relieve their own parenting days. Which seems to suit is all fine.

kids not Kidd
Re-live not relive

Kitten please read up on some assertiveness training, in the nicest possible way, I think you need it.

Practice in front of the mirror " No that won't be possible."

Talk to your dh , ask how he feels, explain how you feel.

Be prepared to be unpopular in order to stick up for your own rights and the rights of your dd.

And having the GCs for "sleepovers" - I've noticed it's almost a compeditive thing with my mum and her friends - the boasting about "Sleepovers", even better if you're "exhausted" after having the GCs for an all weekend "sleepovers"

This is not babysitting, it's not because the parents have something on…

I stayed over at my GPs houses often as a kid as we lived a while away.. ALWAYS with my parents. It was a "family" thing,

My first "sleepover" was with a friend my own age!

Anyone over 14 going on about wanting "sleepovers" sounds ridiculous IMO, but I do do find this whole 1:1 grandparenting trend very odd aside from that.

We "visited" my grandparents, or they "visited" us.

And to bring it back round to the OP.. if I went out for the day with my nan, here is what usually happened: She drove to ours or we drove to hers. then we all went somewhere in one car! All of us, my nan, my parents, and us.

My nan had no need for a car seat because she came in our car and we all went wherever it was together

This no parents allowed thing coming from babyboomer grandparents is bazaar! If there were no parents at a visit or an outting it was because the parent's had something on, not because grandmothers insisted on being ALONE with their grandchildren on a regular basis!

italiangreyhound no you're probably right. I've always been the same. I pretty much just lay down and take whatever is thrown at me. Not an option now I have a child I'm finding.
I've tried to be better as it's an issue at work. I'm extremely undervalued due to lack of confidence/assertiveness. People are shocked when they realise I am actually good at my job
I'm rubbish! I need to improve this. What is assertiveness training? As it sounds I imagine?
Hating how pathetic I'm sounding. Glad this anonymous.

OP I feel for you.

You sound really nice, and like you want to be kind and not hurt MILs feelings or cause any hurt feelings or confrontation.

Much like you I'd feel sick at the idea of asserting myself with MIL about the driving and the 'sleepovers'.

However, it's definitely best nipped in the bud with clear and direct truthful statements. These can be diplomatically put so as to try not to hurt feelings, but please don't get yourself tangled in a web of excuses as she'll fend ways to meet anything you can come up with.

Re. sleepovers it is perfectly acceptable to say you will not be ready to leave DD for a long time (you don't have to specify whether it's 'anyone' or 'MIL' you won't be happy leaving her with).

TBH I think kitting out the nursery at hers is a really pushy way of steamrollering you into doing something you're not ready for. It might help to think of this if you have to assert yourself to her face to face.

Re. driving. Wait and see what husband comes up with, but it's also completely ok to say something like 'you've had a few accidents and near misses recently and I don't feel comfortable letting you drive DD, especially whilst she's so tiny, but I want her to bond with her granny so let's find some other ways to make this happen'

Don't apologise for any of it! You are only don't what's best for DD and that's what parenthood is all about.

And once you've said your bit you can stop stressing about it.

Yea I find the grandparents having alone time with grandchildren for no reason odd too. My grandparents babysat us if parents were going out but other than that they were too busy to be doing anything more.

I really hope I wasn't too harsh op, as I said I really struggled with assertiveness (much better way of putting it than confrontation) too.

As a contrary note my ex fil (was my fil at the time) generally quite an arrogant man, had one minor parking incident after many years of accident free driving. He knew he was getting older, reactions not so fast eyesight not so good etc and that was it stopped driving. He quite rightly believed that if your driving begins to deteriorate and you know you're not physically up to it any more the responsible thing is to stop. Said he could never have lived with himself if he'd caused an awful accident which all it takes is clipping someone else/an object at a relatively high speed next thing you know it's a pile up and someone's dead or permanently injured.

My uncle (who was an hgv driver for many years) pays for a 'driving lesson' annually so the instructor can say if he's letting too many bad habits slip in or if really he should stop. Still driving for now but I know he'll stop as soon as either he or someone else says he's potentially unsafe.

Personally I think all drivers should be tested 5 yearly.

'Personally I think all drivers should be tested 5 yearly'

Yep!

I've got a clean licence, but I've only ever driven during my lessons, test(s) and a couple of times after I passed back in 2004.

So legally I can drive, but I'm not sure I even know which way round the pedals are anymore!

I need to be able to drive again fairly soon due to a change in circumstances, so am going to take more lessons.

Heldtogether I have a friend in a similar position, took lessons, passed test, drove a few times then unfortunately had to stop due to a medication she was having to take. She's now off the medication so legally ok to drive but she hasn't driven in almost 8 years so she's looking at taking some refresher lessons.

Kitten you do not sound rubbish.

It sometimes seems easier to say yes but on the long run it is better to say maybe if you are unsure and no, when you mean no.

The charity Mind may do some assertiveness training. I've just ordered a book called something like "nice girls don't get the corner office"

We can all benefit from training, I had some at work. A friend wanted to use my sick event to further her business. I wanted to say yes, to be nice, but in the end said no (because of this work training). Had I said yes it would probably have spoiled what I had planned and done no good for my friend.

Good luck.

Social event!!! Not sick event!

Really good points heldtogether. Especially, don't apologise.

Kitten I really recommend using few words in any debates about what your child's grandmother wants to do.

The more words you use (explaining how you may feel or how baby may feel the more granny will be able to come back, verbally, to refute your arguments or 'prove' you have it wrong or she has it right.

Keep it simple. No means no.

My fil is a terrible driver, either accelerating or braking, hard. My ds is desperate to go in the car with him but I just can't allow it!