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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified for my DD

102 replies

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 09:24

I can't sugar coat it. My MIL is a terrible driver, she had minor accidents, bumps and scrapes all the time. She does really silly things like recently driving home with her handbrake on and almost setting her car on fire.
She has recently bought a car seat and wants to take my DD, who is currently 4 weeks old, on day trips ASAP. What on earth can I say? I feel like it's an accident waiting to happen.

OP posts:

Graceflorrick · 14/12/2016 11:29

I would say no and explain the reasons why. She is potentially a risk to other drivers and someone needs to raise that with her, irrespective of your decision in relation to your DD.

Graphista · 14/12/2016 11:46

I don't think excuses re car seats will work she'd just buy another then you've the guilt of putting her to unnecessary expense and it doesn't actually deal with the issue.

My sister is a terrible driver she had been the cause of awful accidents but the nature of them and some of the stupid laws/insurance regs in uk mean that 'officially' they weren't her fault! Even though numerous and she's the common denominator.

It's caused arguments with my brother and I as frankly we've said she should get more lessons and not drive until she's safe but she knows best! As a result I stopped getting in a car with her as soon as I was pregnant. I don't think she's ever bought a new car seat and certainly doesn't bother with safety checks. It's causes ructions as neither brother nor I will allow her to drive our kids. Tough, our children's safety comes first.

I wish it were possible to get it reported to dvla by insurance or whoever if someone is repeatedly in even relatively minor accidents - they shouldn't be driving!

Original poster

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 11:50

Ah I thought primary had the answer there but yes of course she will just buy another.
I'm not very good at confrontation and I'm really hoping it won't come to that. I'd be happy for her partner to drive DD around (eventually), maybe we could compromise. Though that may just insult her even more I suppose

OP posts:

Graphista · 14/12/2016 11:54

Mil hurt feelings vs your child seriously hurt/killed by her shit driving? Even at best very frightened ? (when she's old enough to be).

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 12:04

apparently it's second hand but is from a friend and has been safety checked.

Bollocks it has! Who by?!

SuperPug · 14/12/2016 12:09

It will be fine, kitten Just stand your ground and enjoy the first few months with your baby.

amusedbush · 14/12/2016 12:35

I'd be happy for her partner to drive DD around (eventually), maybe we could compromise. Though that may just insult her even more

And could you guarantee that it was always her partner driving? She could tell you anything you wanted to hear and you'd never know.

I really don't think you'll be able to keep fobbing her off.

CorraLinn · 14/12/2016 12:49

This is a real bugbear of mine. I get soooo annoyed by the selfishness of people driving when they shouldn't be. You can report here and the DVLA will look into it:
emaildvla.direct.gov.uk/emaildvla/cegemail/dvla/en/drivers_med_03.html
My grandfather has several health conditions, one of which meant he was at serious risk of a heart valve rupture at any time, which would have meant loss of control of a vehicle. I have to be honest and say I reported him to the DVLA as unfit to drive and his licence was revoked. I know some will think that's extreme but I know how he'd have felt if something had happened to a child if he'd lost control of a car.
My mum's driving was not good either and had to bite the bullet and tell her she couldn't take my DC's anywhere in the car. She wasn't happy but my stomach was in knots at the thought of her taking them anywhere. She did an advanced driving course and is now a lot better and she does take them out.
I don't allow my aunt or MIL to take them in the car despite repeated pressure and requests about car seats etc - I'm just not comfortable with it as they're elderly and their driving isn't great. If that makes me uptight I don't care. I think people underestimate the risks of bad driving as we're all so accustomed to using it as a way to get around.

CorraLinn · 14/12/2016 12:52

BTW the DVLA process is anonymous and no one knows who has reported the person. My grandfather always assumed it was his GP.

Original poster

Kittenrush · 14/12/2016 15:51

Yeah bacon I agree, who exactly would check a second hand car seat? She probably means her friend that works in a garage or something equally ridiculous

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2016 20:43

Don't make excuses about car seats. Just tell her. Suggest advanced driving lessons as a Christmas present!

chocorabbit · 15/12/2016 12:28

From experience there is no point making small excuses which she can refute. Then you will have to find another harmless (to her of course) excuse and the more excuses you bring up the more guilty and unreasonable you will be made to feel as she will refute all of them and just make you look paranoid and unreasonable or a mad obstructionist. After all she is "older, more experienced and knows all the answer to your insane worries, doesn't she"?

I know it's hard and I hate to refuse people things but I believe that I have grown some thicker skin after having children like so many others. I used to be such a pushover! Just be honest and listen to the greyhound's and graphista's advice.

specialsubject · 15/12/2016 12:45

Say no, and tell her why.

A baby properly secured in a car seat is the safest person in a crash. If this woman is this bad a driver tell her to get off the road before she kills someone.

Original poster

Kittenrush · 15/12/2016 17:11

Spoke to DH and he agrees entirely thank goodness. He's very diplomatic so I'm hoping he will help me deal with it.
We are going to try talking to her about her safety and go from there. She's a bit stressed so hopefully we can do it delicately and relate it to the stress etc.
Chocorabbit I hope I can develop that thick skin you mentioned. I'm such a wuss honestly

OP posts:

Graphista · 15/12/2016 23:33

You HAVE to thicken your skin as a parent (even more so as a single parent to be honest). I was a total confrontation avoider (particularly having grown up in a house with violence) but have had to step up several times on dds behalf. If I hadn't a few of those occasions could have led to her being seriously ill/disabled/hurt and I would never have forgave myself.

Graphista · 15/12/2016 23:34

Sorry that's sounds like a telling off a bit not meant to be, I meant you will get better at it. Fear can be a bloody good motivator on occasion.

Misselthwaite · 15/12/2016 23:50

My mum can't be trusted to drive so I just banned everyone including my Dad and PIL. We have secretly let PIL but the blanket rule meant we could make out it was us rather than Mum. As it turned out the number of occasions where it actually could have been someone drivibg other than us have been slim.

Original poster

Kittenrush · 16/12/2016 14:42

No thank you graphista you're absolutely right. There's no way I could put DD in a potentially dangerous situation for the sake of being polite. I wouldn't ever forgive myself. It just makes me break out in a cold sweat thinking about having the actual conversation.
I guess she can say/feel however she likes. She can hate me or never want to talk to me again so long as my child is safe. That's what it comes down to really isn't it.

OP posts:

winewolfhowls · 16/12/2016 15:53

Don't forget the 5? Year rule for seats, the plastic degrades, so you should be wary of second hand anyway

Middleoftheroad · 16/12/2016 15:56

When you have kids you have to put aside your fears of confrontation and do what it takes to sick up for them/keep them safe.

well said Laiste

NavyandWhite · 16/12/2016 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BantyCustards · 16/12/2016 16:07

No. repeat ad infinitum

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2016 16:18

There's no way I could put DD in a potentially dangerous situation for the sake of being polite. I wouldn't ever forgive myself. It just makes me break out in a cold sweat thinking about having the actual conversation.

The idea of her being driven about by your MIL (in a second hand car seat!) also brings you out in a cold sweat though, so which one will sit easier on your conscience? Yes, it's an awkward conversation to have, but your DD needs you to put her first.

MagicMarkers · 16/12/2016 16:20

No excuses, Tell the truth clearly. It's too important to worry about politeness.

No one takes 4 week old babies on day trips. Her request is ridiculous. However, if you say she's just too young then she'll keep asking. It doesn't matter if she's a baby or a teenager, she shouldn't be driven by a dangerous driver.

I had a row with my MIL about this when I said very clearly that my children were never to be in a car with FIL driving. It's the only time we've had a row and she was upset. She kept saying nonsense like "he won't have an accident", "he only drives locally". I said that he could kill someone. He was diagnosed with dementia a few months later and did give up his licence.

DeepanKrispanEven · 16/12/2016 16:21

Can your DH suggest she takes an advanced driving course? I suspect the instructor would tell her a few home truths.

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