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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not leave abusive relationship

100 replies

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 18:43

more accurately I am wondering - is it normal to try and leave, and not feel able to, even to leave (more than once) and end up going back.

It's just so hard trying to leave and doing it on your own. And just because he's abusive doesn't mean I don't care for him or him me, it's just he shows it in awful ways at times.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 25/11/2016 18:46

Yes, it is "normal". It's hard to leave an abuser.

But please, please, please don't give up. You deserve better Thanks

ghostyslovesheets · 25/11/2016 18:46

it takes the average abused partner 12 attempt to leave (I think) - I stayed put for 3 years as I loved him and I understood his anger (awful childhood etc etc) and felt I should try and help him change

he didn't - he never would have - I woke up lying on the bathroom floor looking at the toilet and had an epiphany - left that day

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 25/11/2016 18:47

It's very common for people to go back to their abuser. Sadly common.

Have you sought help or support for your situation so you can break the cycle?

Original poster
beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 18:47

I'm glad you've said that as I feel utterly useless.

I have left before more than once and ended up going back/taking him back. It's like I start off strong and end up exhausted. Of course he promises to change but doesn't. I feel so lonely without him (I know that sounds pathetic.)

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 25/11/2016 18:49

I always want to ask my mum why she stayed for 26 years. If you have DC please leave. They deserve better and so do you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/11/2016 18:49

I feel so sad reading a post like this. But what you say is true. Abuse is control. Trying to leave and not feeling able is because you are being controlled. You go back because you are being controlled.

It's a shame that you think his abuse is just showing you that he cares for you, but in an awful way. No, no, no. no, a thousand times no. People who say "I'm only jealous because I love you", "I don't want you to go out with your friends tonight. I want you here with me. I'm only saying it because I care about you". It's all a load of crap. It's just another way of controlling you and stopping you from living your life.

ghostyslovesheets · 25/11/2016 18:49

it's not pathetic - it's normal

talk to Women's Aid about their support program

thisisafakename · 25/11/2016 18:49

Yes, all of what you described is completely normal. It is also difficult when you are the victim of abuse to believe that you will be fine on your own.

However, even if it is difficult now, your relationship is never going to get better. The abuse won't stop (unless maybe it is linked to something like alcoholism and your DP gets help with that). Otherwise, it will get worse.

I know you care for him and he cares for you, but as a human being, he has the capacity to control his actions towards you, but chooses not to for some reason. You deserve better than that (it's a cliche but it's true).

Also, if you have DC, growing up in an abusive household is hellish even if they don't display any issues now. It could screw them up for life.

Have you spoken to DV charity like Women's Aid? They can help you on your journey to freedom from abuse.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/11/2016 18:49

From everything I have read, yes, it is entirely normal to struggle with this, or to leave and go back maybe several times. It is such a difficult thing to do.

I guess you have to reach a point where his abusive treatment of you becomes worse than the option of being without him, or where you realise that you do not deserve to be treated abusively and that abuse is not love.

Have you got people you can talk to in real life about this? Or could you talk to Women's Aid, and get help, advice and support from them?

Sending you a big hug.

Original poster
beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 18:50

Thank you for being so kind!

Vivienne, I do need to break the cycle but I don't know how.

It's normally - he will cross the line, stray across the 'normal' behaviour I've become used to. I leave or make him leave. I stick to it for a while. Then something happens - once it was a bereavement where I suppose it's understandable I felt vulnerable, but other times it's just loneliness and exhaustion and feeling like he's the only one who gets me.

I really despise myself and the whole situation.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/11/2016 18:51

You deserve kindness,beatrice. And you do not deserve abuse.

Original poster
beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 18:51

I've had support from Women's Aid but I feel that after initially talking to someone, I can't continue to get support when I feel I can't leave.

I was so, so young when I met him, younger than most people realise, and it's like he's grown inside my head and stopped me seeing things properly.

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 25/11/2016 18:52

You are not alone in your situation. He is not the answer to your life if you're feeling so despondent. No one who is abusive is a good partner.

You could contact Womens Aid in the first instance. Flowers

Leanback · 25/11/2016 18:54

It's not always easier to leave. I think people who've never been in one of those relationships think that once you leave everything will just be a billion times better. It won't. It will be hard. If you have kids they might blame you for leaving their father, your mutual friends might blame you, say you're a bitch for leaving him. You might be financially worse off. And of course you'll be alone. Leaving an abusive partner is not easy. But eventually it will become worth it. At lease we all hope it will.

Patriciathestripper1 · 25/11/2016 18:57

My sister was just like you, left about six times and still went back,
She left for final time last year with her DD (3 years old) they were both murdered by her abusive husband. No coming back from that.
It started with slaps went onto kicks and punches. One night he took a stick to her. Her GP told her that now It had progressed to a weapon it could be a knife next time. She still went back. Sadly it was. I miss them every day😞

Thisjustinno · 25/11/2016 18:58

Completely normal. And completely your decision to stay if you don't have children.

If you do, you need to make the decision to leave.

Original poster
beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 19:00

If we didn't have children, leaving would be easy.

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 25/11/2016 19:02

Do it for them.

GreenRut · 25/11/2016 19:02

Women's aid will still support you even if you've not left. They, more than any organisation, totally understand the cycle of leaving and going back because it's what you're used to. It's very easy for people to judge but I've seen this from three angles now at close quarters. Was raised by a mum who couldn't permanently leave my abusive father. Ended up in an abusive relationship myself for over ten years (like you, was from a v early age)- of course totally copying the model I was shown as a child. Finally, my sister is in the middle of leaving an abusive relationship (same copying of childhood model) and frankly, it is horrendous what he is now doing to her but she has to stick with the exit plan for her children's sake. She knows to her own detriment what impact having them see her marriage and think it's healthy will have on their adult relationships and she has to leave. It's not easy but op remember, this concept you have in your head that you can't cope without him, that is a construct of the abuse, it's how they keep their power. And recognising that feeling as 'just' another way he is controlling you might help you realise it's a total fallacy. You won't die without him: fact. You are very likely to thrive without him : fact. I wish you all the strength in the world op, you absolutely deserve better Flowers

ShowMePotatoSalad · 25/11/2016 19:04

You can still leave. A friend of mine has 2 kids with her ex and he was abusive to her. She left and now she is so much happier - she says it was the best thing she ever did for her and the kids. He has tried to cause trouble in her life/make things hard for her but she said that not living with him/coping with the abuse on a daily basis is the biggest different in her life and what makes her so much happier. Not living under the same roof, creating physical distance, establishing boundaries etc. She left him over 3 years ago now and while he still tries to bring up their relationship etc and the fact she left (tries guilt-tripping her over it) she completely ignores it and just communicates with him about the kids.

Original poster
beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 19:05

The problem is, all the abuse is subtle. The children have no idea our relationship is abusive, they could not know. It's all subtle and muted and hidden.

OP posts:
Thisjustinno · 25/11/2016 19:09

I've worked all my adult life in MH with victims and perpertators of domestic abuse.

If I had a pound for every woman that said 'the kids had no idea about the abuse' I'd be a very rich woman.

waterrat · 25/11/2016 19:09

They may not know right now but they are not seeing a happy relationship. Children are very intuitive. As they grow they will take on board many subtle messages about the role of a woman or the nature of relationships. They will think abuse or unhappiness is normal. The older they get the more they will see and understand. I saw so much more of my parents relationship than they wpuld ever imagine .

GreenRut · 25/11/2016 19:09

Beatrice, I hope I don't upset you but I can guarantee you that they do know. They don't recognise it as 'bad' but they will know that when dad does x, mum does y. And it sounds like how dad is treating mum isn't ideal, even if we are talking seemingly minor, subtle things - they are not so minor and subtle really are they? Not so that you aren't noticing them? Do you want your dds to grow up and think that your relationship is how they should expect to be treated? Do you want your dss to grow up and treat their partners the way your dh treats you? It is very likely to happen, it really is.

thisisafakename · 25/11/2016 19:10

The children have no idea our relationship is abusive, they could not know. It's all subtle and muted and hidden

You say that, but I don't think it is true. There will be an abusive dynamic between you which they will be aware of and probably consider normal. Even if the really bad stuff is behind closed doors, I don't buy that he treats you with respect the rest of the time. Abusers don't. Children (like all people) pick up on so many cues that are non-verbal and they will be affected by this, even if they think it is normal.

When I practised family law, I lost count of the number of parents who said that their children had no idea what was going on. When they spoke to the Cafcass officer, very often the children would reveal that yes, they did indeed know about the abuse and it made them feel bad. Even very young children.

Do it for them and for you. You can build a new life and be free. Nothing can be worth putting up with abuse for.