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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not leave abusive relationship

100 replies

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 18:43

more accurately I am wondering - is it normal to try and leave, and not feel able to, even to leave (more than once) and end up going back.

It's just so hard trying to leave and doing it on your own. And just because he's abusive doesn't mean I don't care for him or him me, it's just he shows it in awful ways at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 21:22

It's my birthday tomorrow.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 25/11/2016 21:27

What sort of day will you have? Are you looking forward to it?

KindDogsTail · 25/11/2016 21:31

I hope it will be a lovely day for you all.

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 21:32

Thank you :)

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/11/2016 21:41

What do you want your life to be like?

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 21:44

I can't think that far ahead really. Dh has always made the decisions.

OP posts:

KindDogsTail · 25/11/2016 21:45

Have you said what you would like to do tomorrow on your birthday?

mum2Bomg · 25/11/2016 21:47

I stayed because it was the 'right' thing to do. In the end he left me. I'm so glad he did now as I didn't have the strength.

Thisjustinno · 25/11/2016 21:49

I really wish you a happy birthday OP but think it'll be difficult for you.

And if he provides flowers or a treat- I hope you realise it isn't enough. You might love each other but he's making you unhappy most of the time. That's not how relationships are supposed to be. I put up with it for years in several different relationships because I thought that was what love is - that it's so powerful that it's destructive but that was a sign that it was valid; that love had to hurt in some way as a contrast to the good times. That the dark times made it more valid and serious, deeper and more meaningful. That the 'difficult' love that was harder was somehow more important than the couples that were having picnics in the park. Their love was superficial somehow.

It took me a long time to realise that love in a romantic relationship is supposed to be light and easy and straightforward. It's not supposed to be possessive or jealous or suspicious or dark. It's supposed to primarily be fun, trusting and open and most importantly - easy!. As relationships go on they take work to maintain but the fundamentals should still apply. You should have fun together, love time together and not have to tread on eggshells or be suspicious of the other.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2016 21:50

I know it's disruptive for the children and I hate myself for that.

thisisafakename · 25/11/2016 21:53

Maybe it's pointless to you, in which case noones making you post on it so your post is a bit pointless

I guess so. i posted because I have professional and personal experience of this, especially regarding the impact on children of this type of relationship.

I wish you luck and hope that you are able to do the right thing very soon.

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 21:56

No, I see that Bluntness, but if you think insulting me will help you're wrong.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 25/11/2016 22:04

OP how old were you and him when you got together and how old are you now?

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 22:09

I'm 35 tomorrow. I was 16 when I met him.

OP posts:

Leanback · 25/11/2016 22:10

How old is he op?

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 25/11/2016 22:13

Now? 41.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 25/11/2016 23:00

Patricia

Kr1stina · 26/11/2016 07:54

I see you've been with him for nearly 20 years, starting when you were 16.

What was your relationship like when you first got together and before you had children ?

petalsandstars · 26/11/2016 08:04

At 22 he would have preyed on you at 16 - that is a massive difference in age at that stage of life.

Original poster

beatricerosamund · 26/11/2016 09:38

At first he was great, I thought he was great. He was more a friend and confidante to start with. He kept turning me down but really gently, kept saying I was too young but he did it in such a way it really boosted my confidence. He made me keep the relationship secret for ages and even after we got together properly he sort of rewrote history a bit to make it so I was a bit older when we met, that's the version we mostly tell people.

I can never decide. Maybe that's normal when you've known someone years and years. I could tell you all about the really awful stuff he's done, but I'm sure he could say the same about me. I could also describe the times he's been wonderful. He's built a world where he does pretty much always get what he wants.

OP posts:

KindDogsTail · 26/11/2016 13:36

Happy birthday Beatrice. I hope you have a nice day with your family and this will be one of the good days.

In response to what you said, I think everyone does the wrong thing sometime in relationships, and it may work both ways as you say, but just how wrong is the question?

When you were sixteen you would not have been able to judge him with an adult's experience and mind.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/11/2016 14:03

Beatrice - you have children. I don't know if you have sons or daughters or both, but I would like you to think about what you would say if one of your children told you what you have told us, about their partner.

Would you be happy for them to be treated the way you are treated? Would you advise them to stay in that situation or get the hell out? Would you think they deserved to be treated better than that?

I am betting that you would be deeply unhappy if they were being treated the way you are being treated, you'd advise them to get the hell out ASAP, and you would think they deserved SO much better - so why don't you feel the same about yourself? Why don't you deserve to be treated well?

Leanback · 26/11/2016 14:14

How he acted when you first met him that's classic grooming behaviour I'm afraid. Telling them they are too young makes the victim determined to prove they are 'mature' enough. Keeping it a secret etc.

Do you feel he's cut you off from your family and friends?

aintnothinbutagstring · 26/11/2016 15:56

I think it is really hard for women to leave, I have every sympathy for women that find they can't. The UK is not set up to make it easy for women and children to flee abusive men. Finding alternative accommodation that is suitable to house a family, not disrupt children's schooling, jump through hoops to claim a paltry amount of benefits that could be sanctioned at any time, lack of childcare provisions so that women can work, or if they can work they don't get remunerated anywhere near as much as men. My friend was and still is in an emotionally abusive relationship, my naive pre-children self suggested "just leave, you're worth more", she replied "I don't want to lose my home", and that's it, the abused woman is essentially made homeless with her children, in an mentally vulnerable state expected to build her whole life up again in some awful refuge or temporary accommodation, it's archaic.

flirtygirl · 26/11/2016 16:39

Justin is so spot on, but blunt yes you have no sympathy and everyone can read that.

Op please contact womens aid again and maybe this time you will break free, read about trauma bonding. Im trying to do the same thing but i constantly tell myself i should stay.
for you Op and to patricia.

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