to not leave abusive relationship

[beatricerosamund]

more accurately I am wondering - is it normal to try and leave, and not feel able to, even to leave (more than once) and end up going back.

It's just so hard trying to leave and doing it on your own. And just because he's abusive doesn't mean I don't care for him or him me, it's just he shows it in awful ways at times.

if you don't mind me asking, what kind of abuse is it?

Not sure what you'd call it really. He takes my phone off me, he doesn't let me have money if I ask. Or he does actually that's unfair.

If you feel alone and empty and that's just affecting you then fine. But you have children so you're prioritising your discomfort over their emotional development and their future relationships.

It sounds harsh and I guess it is but I've spent too much time trying to help victims and perpertators of domestic abuse who end up taking abuser/victim roles in their own relatinships because that's what they were shown as normal in childhood.

Growing up in an abusive household damages children. I understand the complexities and difficulties of leaving abusive relationships. But my sympathy wanes for women who expose their children to it because they think they'll be lonely on their own or it's 'easier or better' to stay.

It may be harder to leave but it's infinitely better to do that than model dysfunctional and abusive relationships to your children.

Comments like the ones above just make me think, people don't really understand, as I think leaving would be selfish. Staying is not. They are better with him here.
I thought that. I stayed. I stayed for a very long time. I spent last week in A&E with one of my dds, due to his behaviour. They may not understand or recognise it now, but they will.

It's not as simple as that, Thisjust

I don't think you're stupid or weak or anything like that because you're not ready to leave. Yes you need to think of your children and the effect this relationship has on them, but I know it isn't as easy as deciding it is bad for them and therfore upping sticks and leaving.

everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/safety-with-abusive-partner/ I read this a while ago and it resonated. Maybe instead of people (including you) judging you for not leaving, just try to think about the stuff in the article so you reclaim yourself and then make the right decision for you and your children that you can stick to, and not a decision that you keep changing.
Stay strong and look after yourself and your children.x

Does he allow you a key to your house op? Are you allowed to go out and see friends or have a job?

What do you mean exactly by 'he doesn't allow me to have money...actually he does'. Are you only allowed money if he's happy with you?

Most importantly how does husband behaviour make you feel in those moments.

Yes, honey because your kids won't know and they won't grow up thinking about how little you settled for, because it was easier to stay put and take it than do it on uour own, adult children totally respect that. They really love it when their mother just takes it.

As I've previously posted before, I'm friends with a senior police officer, who says domestic abuse is the worst job on the force, the woman say,,,,"but I love him" and the police burn thousands of man hours on these men,and do uou know what he said,,,the women are barely human, they cannot be recognised as female any more, they just can't see it.

So yeah, you stay, you stay and teach your kids that's fine, you stay because it's easy, and you stay till people think you're barely human and uou can't even see it yourself.

Or you get some self respect and get out and do it for you and your kids. Your call.

Bluntness you're so far from understanding.

It's not as simple as that, Thisjust

No, it's not simple. But you are the one in a relationship with him and you are the one making the choices to leave or ask him to leave and then taking him back again. Not your children, they are unable to choose what happens. If you keep telling yourself that it's too complicated, that others don't understand and that there are good parts of the relationship, then you won't leave because there will always be reason to stay. However, your children are learning from you what a relationship is and they will think this is normal. They may also feel anger towards you at an older age for failing to protect them from harm (I know I did/do- I also grew up in an abusive household).

Complete the Womens Aid Freedom program. You can do it online.
You need a complete change in the way you think.

I've done it Jelly, I've already done it.

You mention half ten / 11 o clock comes round...

What happens then? Does he rape you?

Then please try cognitive behaviour therapy. But do something. People will cut ties with you.

There comes a point when you are no longer the victim, your children are.

There comes a point when you are no longer the victim

Exactly. It's not helpful to paint women as helpless victims who can't help but keep going back to abusive partners. This ignores the fact that the children (who genuinely are helpless victims) will suffer because their parent repeatedly puts her own needs ahead of theirs. You have the ability to leave but are choosing not to do so. I am not sure what you are hoping to get out of the thread really. You have had a lot of support from posters, but it is pretty clear that you are not willing to leave him. Nobody is going to tell you that staying is a good idea, so the thread seems a bit pointless.

Maybe it's pointless to you, in which case noones making you post on it so your post is a bit pointless.

thisisafakename she doesn't have the ability to leave though as she keeps coming back. It's not about painting the op as a victim. She's got no support network, it seems her partner as cut her off from the rest of the world and made her feel as if she needs him to survive. So her kids can survive. Her kids undoubtedly will suffer from this decision, but honestly just repeating 'think of the children' over and over to the victim is not going to make her more likely to leave. It's just going to make her more likely to close off to any kind of help because she feels like nobody understands.

It does make me feel like that. It makes me feel I'm a terrible person for staying but when I leave it's darker and colder than anything I can put into words.

Beatrice
I am very sorry you feel so torn and don't know whether to leave or not.

Leaving anything behind always entails a feeling of loss and emptiness, even when that thing was bad for you. For example, if you give up smoking after years of it, you feel extremely empty and unhappy at first, but later you are relieved and cannot believe you ever liked it. So that sad empty feeling does not mean, in and of itself, that you did the wrong thing when you left before.

You may be sort of addicted - in the sense of being in the habit of, being more comfortable with - what you are used to. If either of your parents was like he is to you, that would mean this was even more true. But you could emerge and find what it is like to be without whatever it is, that though familiar and comfortable on one level, has made you leave five times.

Do you have anything outside home - friends or a hobby that would help you know what being 'you', without him being around, feels like?

You seem to waver about whether or not what you have experienced is abuse. But it must be difficult for you if you tried leaving five times.

Patricia I am so sorry for the terrible death of your sister and niece

Thank you. The smoking analogy makes sense. Maybe it is a sort of addiction.

Op, it is simple when uou boil it right down and yes I do understand, you choose to stay, and I'm sorry for being tough, but don't believe you can ever get respect for it or be able to justify it. If you want to stay, fair enough, but understand how others and your kids will feel about that.

So will you see your doctor and ask for CBT?

And I can understand you feeling that emptiness because that's how everyone feels after any kind of break up, regardless of how good the relationship was. Humans are biologically wired to be in relationships in order to assist procreation. Your brain is literally telling you not to leave because then you will be alone.

Eventuallly that feeling will subside. Eventually you'll be able to see clearly. It'll be a process op. But when those feelings of loneliness take over you need to remind yourself of the things he does and how you deserve much better. How your kids deserve better.

The time you went to your dads, was your father helpful at all?

I didn't say it is simple OP. I didn't say it is easy. I know it's complicated and not straightforward to leave.

But knowing you should leave - for the safety and wellbeing of you and your children is a straightforward decision - the practical logistics are more complex like
But deciding it's a shit relationship is easy. It's a case of you understanding that it doesn't matter if you got together when you were young and whether or not you love/care about each other. He's now abusive.

I'm not one of the MNetters that think he can't possibly love you if he's abusive - that abuse isn't love so he must be a monster. Abuse isn' t love but that doesn't mean the two are mutually exclusive. I've known many perpertators of DA who loved their victims in their own way and I'm sorry but that's often because they grew up in abusive households where abuse of any form was the norm. Women loved their men so much or were so scared to be on their own that they put up with any manner of shit because that's what love is to them. Being treated like shit by a man who you couldn't/wouldn't leave because love always involves some pain or fear to be really valid.

So boys witnessing a DA situation learn you can cheat/abuse and if your 'woman' really loves you, she'll put up with abuse because she loves you or is scared no-one else will want her or you've got kids with her so she can never really get away.

And if you're a girl you learn it's normal to be in a relationship where your partner treats you like shit sometimes. Puts you down or takes the piss out of you. Controls who you speak to/ where you go and with who/ what you spend. They are only jealous/controlling if they really love you and are scared of losing you. You tread on eggshells to not upset them. Or worse - physical or sexual abuse because they would only do that because you're the one they really love and the only one that can 'make' them behave like that. They love you so much that you're the only one that they expose that side of themselves to and of course; it's the bond that you have but your fucked up behaviour that makes him act like this. And he loves you so much that he puts up with your behaviour that 'makes' him act in an abusive manner because you see - it is YOUR fault but as long as you keep apologising and making excuses and loving him; he'll tolerate you and allow you to think you're better off with the little crumbs of 'good times' that you've been trained to make you think the pros outweigh the cons.

Thisjust that is so well put.