to not leave abusive relationship

[beatricerosamund]

more accurately I am wondering - is it normal to try and leave, and not feel able to, even to leave (more than once) and end up going back.

It's just so hard trying to leave and doing it on your own. And just because he's abusive doesn't mean I don't care for him or him me, it's just he shows it in awful ways at times.

It is really hard to leave. Ironically, I think its much harder than leaving someone who is reasonable.

It might take you a while, if you are feeling to stuck to move on right now you could focus on doing things that would increase the feeling that you have options eg working on your friendships etc so that you don't feel so lonely, save money or look for higher paying job to make leaving easier, think about where you could live.

People say this, but it's just I'm not convinced the alternative is worse. I don't cope with them brilliantly alone, and I'm miserable just thinking about the life that would be mine without him. Abuse free yes. But empty and lonely and hard and cold.

Patricia, from the very bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry

Patricia so sorry for your loss.
OP I hope you start to believe in yourself & find the strength to leave. How old are your kids?

I'm miserable just thinking about the life that would be mine without him. Abuse free yes. But empty and lonely and hard and cold

We probably aren't going to convince you then. But just think for a minute what you are saying. He ABUSES you. He knowingly and willingly abuses you and has done for a long time. He will never stop. How anything can be worse than that, I can't see. But until your mindset changes, you won't leave and the ones who will suffer long-term are your children.

They are preschool age. Young.

Comments like the ones above just make me think, people don't really understand, as I think leaving would be selfish. Staying is not. They are better with him here.

I can't say whether they are currently better with him there, beatrice - but what about as they get older, and start to pick up on the subtle abuse? Or when he starts subtly abusing them too? At that point, they are already being damaged.

People do understand , they just don't agree with you. Living with abuse clouds your judgement about what's right and what's wrong. You become conditioned to putting up with it.

patricia so sorry about your sister and niece

You think leaving would be selfish and your kids might agree with you. But in the long run it really isn't. The relationship dynamic between you and your partner will feel normal to them. It will carry out into their adult lives. Plus they are young now. What happens when they are older and start talking back to them. When they are sixteen and don't do as they are told.

My parents 'stayed together for the kids'. Though their relationship was not abusove, their refusal to split up long after their marriage was over messed with my head. They thought they were doing the right thing and I probably would have said that I hated them if they had split up when I was ten. But in the long run it would have been better for me and allowed me to not normalise unhealthy relationships.

I hope you leave. Grew up in family where everyone walked on eggshells,around one person, lest she kick off, which she did tho emotional abuse not physical. When I look at all her grandkids family lives now, the difference to our lives as kids is so different. Its completely different. Its a world apart.

But I know its really really difficult to leave. The only thing I'd say is that ur kids won't thank you for not leaving that atmosphere, they may not thank you for leaving either, but at least you know you're protecting them then.

No they're not better off with him there. As harsh as it sounds, you are showing your children that a relationship is one where Mummy is being abused and often sad and nervous. They are picking up on what is happening, they are learning subtle verbal and nonverbal behaviours.

They are then likely to replicate this in their own adult relationships unfortunately.

I don't think I'm nervous - it's so hard to explain. What I describe to some of you might see, like abuse, but if it doesn't bother me, is it abuse

It's not easy to leave, but my friend who's just left an abusive relationship after two years is now really kicking herself for not doing it sooner. She can't believe how amazing it is to be free of her ex. For years she told herself it would be too hard to leave, but once she did it actually wasn't. Friends helped her out, she moved in to a really nice house share and she doesn't miss anything about her old life one iota.

So oftentimes the fear is worse than the reality.

You might not think you're nervous but I guarantee your children pick up on the changes in your voice, body language and behaviour and that of your DP.

They might not be able to articulate it but they know.

You say the abuse is subtle the children are unaware.

I'm going to try and be as vague as I can here for my own sake but:

I am currently living in a refuge with 2 children. The abuse I suffered I didn't think my children were aware of. My youngest child isn't he's very little still my daughter is a preteen though and while she was unaware at the time due to it being normal for her things have slowly started to slot into place for her over the past few months she's seeing that our life was not normal or OK.

I know it's hard believe me I know it's the hardest thing I have ever done but it's so worth it. It's my 10th attempt (I think! There's been lots!) and this time I've done it for good. You can too when you're ready to take that step. You can do it. Don't give up.

I've left five times now I think I always go back. Maybe the truth of it is I don't want to leave. It's as if, I have a nice life, then half ten/eleven o clock comes and I don't so much.

What I describe to some of you might see, like abuse, but if it doesn't bother me, is it abuse

If it doesn't bother you, why do you describe your relationship as abusive and say that you have left five times?

What exactly makes you go back each time. Try and break down what is pushing you to go back.

Because I felt like I should. Or it bothered me at the time but now it doesn't.

I go back because I feel so alone and empty and cold, somehow.

Also, leaving on five separate occasions (presumably with the children) is going to be hideously disruptive for them so I don't buy for a second that they are oblivious to any problems in your relationship. You clearly realise that they are not better off with him there or you would not have left so many times. Please put them first. None of you have a 'nice life' at the moment.

Cases like Ellie Butler and the numerous cases I saw as a family lawyer demonstrate the hideous impact on children when parents kid themselves that an abusive relationship is better than none at all and talk themselves into staying with an abuser.

And I didn't say it earlier, but Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss. It's sickening what effect domestic abuse can have.

Okay and I think most posters can empathise with that feeling op.

Do you have much of a support network.

I know it's disruptive for the children and I hate myself for that.

I don't have anybody.

And I'm sure that makes it harder for you to leave.

Where did you go when you left previously?

I went to my dads house once. Other times I've told him to go.