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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DD coming home from Dads

64 replies

messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:22

always upset?
We've been apart 2 years now hes got a gf and I have someone else too. DD is 10 and he picks her up every other Fri until Sunday night, then drops her off.
Shes always upset when she comes back, says she misses her Dad but he spends more time with her now than he did when we were together! Hes a bit of a Disney dad going to cinema and hanging out watching football with new gf family - is it because when she comes home its just normal life?
Ive tried speaking to him but he just says 'what do you want me to do about it?!'
I don't know whether he 'loading' DD or being his usual passive aggressive self about things??
Will it pass??

OP posts:
Lewwat · 18/11/2016 13:29

Well..... What do you want him to do about it?? Make her stay deliberately boring so she'll want to come home Hmm

This isn't a popularity contest, your DD is more that allowed to miss her dad.

c3pu · 18/11/2016 13:30

Shock horror, separated parent ensures child has a nice time during contact...

YABU

harderandharder2breathe · 18/11/2016 13:30

Sometimes you miss someone the most when you've just sad goodbye. Your daughters feelings are perfectly valid.

Can you do something special together the nights she comes home to take her mind off it?

SaltyBitch · 18/11/2016 13:31

Can she explain why she is upset?

SaltyBitch · 18/11/2016 13:32

Sorry, ignore me. Misread the post.

OllyBJolly · 18/11/2016 13:32

I'm not seeing the issue? She misses her dad. She's upset saying goodbye. Unless the tears last until Wednesday then I think the answer is a cuddle and try to distract her.

I really don't like the term "Disney dad" in this context as if it's such a bad thing that a father wants to do interesting things with his kids. It's negative when they refuse to discipline, encourage bad behaviour etc but doing fun things is actually ok imo.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:35

Im not having a go for DD having a nice time, Id just like to minimise the disruption when she comes home as shes quite withdrawn/upset til the next day.
She just says she misses her Dad - Ive said Ive no problem with her ringing him in the week shes got Skype etc
Just wondered if its normal - she never used to be like this..

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 18/11/2016 13:35

A Disney Dad isn't someone who watches football with his kid at the weekend Hmm

It's someone who spends money instead of emotional energy on his kids and doesn't deal with any of the difficult stuff.

It is natural though, for it to hurt you for your DD to be so upset when she comes home. Try not to take it personally as it is also natural for her to miss her dad.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:37

Ok my Disney dad point was a bit bitchy but he has on occasions left DD with his friends kids (age 15 & 10) while he goes out drinking with them, I have asked him not to when I found out.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 18/11/2016 13:39

I understand where you're coming from - if it's every weekend I assume that you get all the tough weekday jobs (school run, keeping on top of homework, in bed on time), whilst he gets the more relaxing weekend, where schedules don't have to be kept, there's time for 'fun' family activities, etc. It doesn't make him a Disney Dad as such, he just gets the time to do the 'fun stuff'. Is there no chance of him being able to one week 'school days', one week 'weekend' on alternate?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/11/2016 13:42

She has a good time with him and maybe occasionally wishes she could split herself in two so she could see you both. But she acknowledges he makes more effort now than he did! And if you respond by extra sympathy then of course she'll be tempted to lay it on a bit thick.

Stormwhale · 18/11/2016 13:43

It sounds like you are threatened by their relationship. That isn't healthy. You should be pleased your daughter has a good relationship with her dad. He doesn't sound like a Disney dad either tbh. You are coming across as jealous and quite petty.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:43

No because his work and girlfriend are too important it seems (sorry)

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/11/2016 13:43

I misread too at first but OP says he picks her up every other Fri until Sunday night, then drops her off.

Stormwhale · 18/11/2016 13:44

Your last post makes this make even less sense. You aren't happy if he doesn't try hard enough (rightly so), but you aren't happy now he is trying harder?! He can't win!

Leanback · 18/11/2016 13:45

I think she needs reassurance that she's not missing out during the week. Give her a cuddle and tell her she'll be seeing him again before she realises.

Would she be able to go to his one evening after school for her tea? Might break up what feels like a monotonous routine to her.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:46

I said to him DD can go in the week but then its up to me to sort it out, surely if he was bothered about her being upset he would arrange it?

OP posts:
Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:47

lol I find the week monotonous but that's just life I guess ;)

OP posts:
pullingmyhairout1 · 18/11/2016 13:47

In answer to your question my DD (7) also gets upset and misses her Dad as soon as she comes home. We are also both living with our partners. Thankfully we are adept at distracting her with bath time, hair wash and catching up on what has happened over the weekend.

She thoroughly enjoys her time there, which is good because I can't always afford for her to do the things that I want to with her.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 13:49

Thanks pulling I do try and distract her, I guess its just a normal situation then.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 18/11/2016 13:54

just listen and reflect back - some useful tips in "how to talk so kids will listen" etc.

Olympiathequeen · 18/11/2016 13:59

Yabu. You should be pleased she is having a good time and he is at last doing things with her.

Maybe you could set aside Monday (after the visit so something for her to look forward to) and do something really nice together, and maybe again the day before she goes?

WLF46 · 18/11/2016 14:04

Rather than hoping your ex will make your daughter more miserable, perhaps you could make her life with you more exciting? You are being unreasonable, it's hardly a surprise that he is trying to make the most of the limited time he has with his daughter! You need to look closer to home to work out what you are doing that means she dislikes coming home to you.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 18/11/2016 14:07

She doesn't dislike coming home to me you nasty judgmental person! We are very close which makes it hard for me as I don't like her being upset!!

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 18/11/2016 14:14

You really need to reclaim some of the weekend to spend time with her. The current situation is grossly unfair on you.