AIBU about DD coming home from Dads

[messeduptotally]

always upset?
We've been apart 2 years now hes got a gf and I have someone else too. DD is 10 and he picks her up every other Fri until Sunday night, then drops her off.
Shes always upset when she comes back, says she misses her Dad but he spends more time with her now than he did when we were together! Hes a bit of a Disney dad going to cinema and hanging out watching football with new gf family - is it because when she comes home its just normal life?
Ive tried speaking to him but he just says 'what do you want me to do about it?!'
I don't know whether he 'loading' DD or being his usual passive aggressive self about things??
Will it pass??

[olivesnutsandcheese]

We used to have this with DSS when he came back from a weekend with his DM. It really sucks as they are upset but there's nothing you can do about it. Fortunately now DSS is fine after weekends but when he was younger we used to acknowledge how he was feeling ie. Crap and sad and then distract and give cuddles as much as possible. Generally it wore off quickly especially if there was school the next day.
Perhaps the Parenting section might be a better place to put this as you're not really BU but neither is your EX. It's good to hear she has a nice time with him. It's perfectly normal for her to be upset to leave him.

[RichardBucket]

I think the first page was unnecessarily harsh on you, OP. I can see why you find this upsetting.

I don't think there's much you can do though, unfortunately. It's human nature to take for granted the good things we have most of the time, and put more importance on good things we get more rarely.

I would make sure you don't let your daughter see you anything other than interested and pleased about her dad weekends (not that there's any hint you don't already do this) and remember she misses you when you're apart, too.

[messeduptotally]

Thanks for all the views it helps me see from both sides, I don't begrudge DD nice times with her dad I try to do it myself on our weekends I guess it's hard for her going between homes. It did anger me about leaving her with a babysitter as there was no occasion.

[neonrainbow]

The point is its NONE of your business if it was for a particular reason!

[Crystal15]

Are you threatened? You need not be. This is common for many resident children. She sees you a lot so doesn't get chance to miss you much that's all. Just support her and have cuddles. It's nice she loves him so much. I've been there myself and it's not a nice feeling as it sort of feels like they want to be with them. But it is sad for them and they need support. I would encourage 1 day after school for dinner with her Dad too, if possible. It will help anxiety and sadness.

[sykadelic]

Actually neonrainbow there are some child custody arrangements that include "right of first refusal" so if the OP and her ex have this arrangement he needs to ask her if she would like the child before arranging contact. I know many many people with this arrangement (usually only if they live close enough and there's usually a time limit, like anything over 4 hours or something).

[Pisssssedofff]

My kids would vote with their feet if their dad dared to leave them with a babysitter. As most sensible posters have said, it's 2 nights a fortnight ffs

[SheldonCRules]

So you'd prefer she had a miserable time and he did nothing with her?

Surely if you both parented similar then this wouldn't happen as it would be no different in either home?

The babysitter depends on your views as a parent, for me we take ours everywhere and don't use sitters. Others like nights out. I don't think you can dictate him using a sitter unless you never use one.

[Alexandriaaaa]

So the kid is sad that her parents don't live together and she misses the other one living in her family home. Shocker.

I don't know the circumstances surrounding the breakup of your relationship, OP, but it's to be expected that separation is hard on your kids, even two years down the line. I think lots of people forget that (not saying you have) and just expect the kids to roll with the punches and be ok with their family disintegrating before their eyes.

Whilst I really do see that in some cases it is healthier for the children for the parents to live apart, I definitely think people are too quick to call it a day sometimes. It becomes all about their happiness with no thought for their kids feelings on the matter. Again, OP, I'm not saying this is you. I don't know your circumstances.

I'm not saying that people should simply exist in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children. Far from it. But I do think people could work harder at getting things back on track in some cases. I mean after we had DD, my husband drove me fucking bananas. He could do nothing right. Our marriage was a disaster. I very nearly left him (I see now that I had PND). But I didn't want that for DD. She ADORES her daddy and I couldn't separate them. So we worked bloody hard and now things are good again. I don't think many people want to work at it any more.

Clearly I am not talking about cases where one spouse abuses the other. Obviously that's not good for anyone.

Anyway, apologies for the brief derailment/rant. Affected by this personally right now. I'll get down off my soapbox.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Alexandriaaaa, you'd be better off getting off your high horse than your soap box .

I'm not saying that people should simply exist in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children. you say, before proceeding to say exactly that. Children obviously would prefer their parents together in most circumstances, but those children eventually become adults who will understand that it's not ok to live miserable lives and 'get on with it', just for a nuclear family situation. You can plaster a broken vase all you want, but you'll always see the cracks.

[Alexandriaaaa]

I'm not suggesting anyone tolerates a miserable life. But it doesn't need to be that way in every single case. I just sometimes think people are too quick to throw in the towel before deciding that they cannot possibly be happy with that person. That's all.

I think when you choose to have a child with someone, you owe it to that child to at least try to make it work. I'm not convinced that everybody does.

[Pisssssedofff]

I stayed 9 years with the cheating bastard. I think that was giving it a fair go

[messeduptotally]

I tried very hard to get it back on track (even very recently) - not my fault he would rather shag a 25 yr old...

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Don't mind sanctimonious posters like Alexandriaaaa, op. Just because other people decided being miserable in their relationships and putting up with crap partners is 'better for the children', doesn't mean others have to. I find it sad that some women will put up with all sorts (and blame their own mental state), because 'at least it's not abuse'.