AIBU about DD coming home from Dads

[messeduptotally]

always upset?
We've been apart 2 years now hes got a gf and I have someone else too. DD is 10 and he picks her up every other Fri until Sunday night, then drops her off.
Shes always upset when she comes back, says she misses her Dad but he spends more time with her now than he did when we were together! Hes a bit of a Disney dad going to cinema and hanging out watching football with new gf family - is it because when she comes home its just normal life?
Ive tried speaking to him but he just says 'what do you want me to do about it?!'
I don't know whether he 'loading' DD or being his usual passive aggressive self about things??
Will it pass??

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Don't mind sanctimonious posters like Alexandriaaaa, op. Just because other people decided being miserable in their relationships and putting up with crap partners is 'better for the children', doesn't mean others have to. I find it sad that some women will put up with all sorts (and blame their own mental state), because 'at least it's not abuse'.

[messeduptotally]

I tried very hard to get it back on track (even very recently) - not my fault he would rather shag a 25 yr old...

[Pisssssedofff]

I stayed 9 years with the cheating bastard. I think that was giving it a fair go

[Alexandriaaaa]

I'm not suggesting anyone tolerates a miserable life. But it doesn't need to be that way in every single case. I just sometimes think people are too quick to throw in the towel before deciding that they cannot possibly be happy with that person. That's all.

I think when you choose to have a child with someone, you owe it to that child to at least try to make it work. I'm not convinced that everybody does.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

Alexandriaaaa, you'd be better off getting off your high horse than your soap box .

I'm not saying that people should simply exist in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children. you say, before proceeding to say exactly that. Children obviously would prefer their parents together in most circumstances, but those children eventually become adults who will understand that it's not ok to live miserable lives and 'get on with it', just for a nuclear family situation. You can plaster a broken vase all you want, but you'll always see the cracks.

[Alexandriaaaa]

So the kid is sad that her parents don't live together and she misses the other one living in her family home. Shocker.

I don't know the circumstances surrounding the breakup of your relationship, OP, but it's to be expected that separation is hard on your kids, even two years down the line. I think lots of people forget that (not saying you have) and just expect the kids to roll with the punches and be ok with their family disintegrating before their eyes.

Whilst I really do see that in some cases it is healthier for the children for the parents to live apart, I definitely think people are too quick to call it a day sometimes. It becomes all about their happiness with no thought for their kids feelings on the matter. Again, OP, I'm not saying this is you. I don't know your circumstances.

I'm not saying that people should simply exist in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children. Far from it. But I do think people could work harder at getting things back on track in some cases. I mean after we had DD, my husband drove me fucking bananas. He could do nothing right. Our marriage was a disaster. I very nearly left him (I see now that I had PND). But I didn't want that for DD. She ADORES her daddy and I couldn't separate them. So we worked bloody hard and now things are good again. I don't think many people want to work at it any more.

Clearly I am not talking about cases where one spouse abuses the other. Obviously that's not good for anyone.

Anyway, apologies for the brief derailment/rant. Affected by this personally right now. I'll get down off my soapbox.

[SheldonCRules]

So you'd prefer she had a miserable time and he did nothing with her?

Surely if you both parented similar then this wouldn't happen as it would be no different in either home?

The babysitter depends on your views as a parent, for me we take ours everywhere and don't use sitters. Others like nights out. I don't think you can dictate him using a sitter unless you never use one.

[Pisssssedofff]

My kids would vote with their feet if their dad dared to leave them with a babysitter. As most sensible posters have said, it's 2 nights a fortnight ffs

[sykadelic]

Actually neonrainbow there are some child custody arrangements that include "right of first refusal" so if the OP and her ex have this arrangement he needs to ask her if she would like the child before arranging contact. I know many many people with this arrangement (usually only if they live close enough and there's usually a time limit, like anything over 4 hours or something).

[Crystal15]

Are you threatened? You need not be. This is common for many resident children. She sees you a lot so doesn't get chance to miss you much that's all. Just support her and have cuddles. It's nice she loves him so much. I've been there myself and it's not a nice feeling as it sort of feels like they want to be with them. But it is sad for them and they need support. I would encourage 1 day after school for dinner with her Dad too, if possible. It will help anxiety and sadness.

[neonrainbow]

The point is its NONE of your business if it was for a particular reason!

[messeduptotally]

Thanks for all the views it helps me see from both sides, I don't begrudge DD nice times with her dad I try to do it myself on our weekends I guess it's hard for her going between homes. It did anger me about leaving her with a babysitter as there was no occasion.

[RichardBucket]

I think the first page was unnecessarily harsh on you, OP. I can see why you find this upsetting.

I don't think there's much you can do though, unfortunately. It's human nature to take for granted the good things we have most of the time, and put more importance on good things we get more rarely.

I would make sure you don't let your daughter see you anything other than interested and pleased about her dad weekends (not that there's any hint you don't already do this) and remember she misses you when you're apart, too.

[olivesnutsandcheese]

We used to have this with DSS when he came back from a weekend with his DM. It really sucks as they are upset but there's nothing you can do about it. Fortunately now DSS is fine after weekends but when he was younger we used to acknowledge how he was feeling ie. Crap and sad and then distract and give cuddles as much as possible. Generally it wore off quickly especially if there was school the next day.
Perhaps the Parenting section might be a better place to put this as you're not really BU but neither is your EX. It's good to hear she has a nice time with him. It's perfectly normal for her to be upset to leave him.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Has it not occurred to any of the posters attacking the OP that maybe this little girl is upset because her time with Daddy means a couple of hours of being entertained and then dumped on someone else while he pursues his own interests? How bloody confusing for her.

I can't stand posters who think an NRP who looks after the child for such a tiny percentage of the time should be able to go out to the pub etc. He has twelve nights a fortnight to do that so why the hell is he doing it on contact days?

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Aaargh, this really gets my goat! 'So what if he left her with a babysitter?' (a fifteen yr old actually). He has to look after his child once a fucking fortnight for two nights and he's leaving her with someone else. The OP looks after her for twelve days out of every fourteen. In my opinion, he's a shit dad if he can't stay in for two fucking evenings once a fortnight. Pathetic.

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

Not sure why OP is being criticised so much , as she only seems to be asking if it's normal for her daughter to be like this after contact 😕
I would say it is normal that she is feeling like this especially if she is a sensitive child. My daughter was similar at that age with her dad, but it improved as when she got a bit older (When could text him midweek etc)
Maybe it would help if he could take her out for tea one evening on the week he doesn't see her at the weekend, so it didn't feel so long for her?

[ladylambkin]

Sorry posted too early...her Dd is behaving entirely normally in my own experience. As she matures she will handle it better

for you op I know how you are feeling

[ladylambkin]

It's nothing to do with life at mums being mundane..jeezo!

[TotallyOuting]

I still remember one time I came home from a weekend with my dad and just burst into tears, I was miserable. I'm not sure how my mum interpreted it, but really I still couldn't describe what exactly the problem was now. I suspect it might have been to do with missing him a lot because he had just left, and also the stress of switching situation/role. My time spent with him and my relationship with him wasn't quite like the time spent and relationship with my mum/family, and transitions can be hard.

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Really there is no need for such an aggressive post the op is struggling with her daughter being away and then when she comes back she is upset

It's not what anyone signed up to and it is hard but just allow her to be sometimes it will be harder than at other times and you are the one that has to pick up the pieces and often he makes the effort to see his daughter is down to him nothing you can do to change that (that is hard to get your head around why he won't make more effort)

i have found if we doing something even have a game planned (obviously depends what time they come home) it helps

[LemonSqueezy0]

I feel sorry for your DD and her dad! I don't want to pile in too, so to keep it more constructive - have you thought about why life with you is so mundane and how you can turn your own feelings on this around?

[Suppermummy02]

Not judging either side. If I only got to see my children EOW then I would be a Disney mom, so its not always a helpful label.

DC has great weekend with Dad then has to return home where rules are stricter (by necessity), saying goodbye to a parent who is upset might also trigger her (talking on SKYPE does not console). Then there is school the next day....

I think you need to be more understanding and maybe actively organise greater contact with her Dad.

[WhooooAmI24601]

DS1 is 11 and I split up from his Dad when he was 5 months old. He still comes back from there a little low and takes a day or so to get through it. He gets to be with me, DH and DS2 in our family unit constantly. The time he gets with his Dad is nowhere near as much in terms of quantity, and since his Dad also has a partner (who he adores) he doesn't even get 100% of his Dad's time and attention when he's there. Of course it's hard transitioning.

Your DD sounds like she's just struggling with not being able to see both of her parents whenever she wants. Until having DS1 I had no idea that children would even concern themselves with that, but they do.

On the other hand, being the RP can feel difficult when the NRP doesn't have to do school runs, homework and after-school sports clubs in the pissing-down rain. And that can breed discontent. But I'd far rather watch them play rugby and go horse riding and deal with homework and bedtime every night than have to be the NRP. Put yourself in his shoes; you both have it tough, in very different ways.

[neonrainbow]

NRPs can't fucking win can they? You need to grow the fuck up op and stop being so jealous that your daughter enjoys spending time with her dad.

And big deal he left her with a babysitter. Have you never left her with a babysitter?