AIBU about DD coming home from Dads

[messeduptotally]

always upset?
We've been apart 2 years now hes got a gf and I have someone else too. DD is 10 and he picks her up every other Fri until Sunday night, then drops her off.
Shes always upset when she comes back, says she misses her Dad but he spends more time with her now than he did when we were together! Hes a bit of a Disney dad going to cinema and hanging out watching football with new gf family - is it because when she comes home its just normal life?
Ive tried speaking to him but he just says 'what do you want me to do about it?!'
I don't know whether he 'loading' DD or being his usual passive aggressive self about things??
Will it pass??

[TempusEedjit]

Why is it unfair liquid? He only has her every other weekend.

[tatty1010]

Liquid I think that would be very unfair on the father, they have alternate weekends at present so why should she chip into his limited time?

[needmymouthsewnup]

You really need to reclaim some of the weekend to spend time with her. The current situation is grossly unfair on you

The OP's ex has their DD every other weekend, OP has a whole weekend to herself to do 'fun' stuff with her DD if she wants to. I think the OP is actually being unfair if she thinks her ex should not try and do nice stuff with his daughter, who he only sees one weekend every 2 weeks.

OP, I doubt it's actually a reflection on you, your DD has 2 parents who she obviously loves, but she doesn't get to see her dad as much, so it's normal she's going to miss him more. I'd be surprised if it was to do with what he does with her, more just that she knows it's going to be a while before she sees him again. I think carry on encouraging her to call/skype him throughout the week so that he is more of a constant, like you are and the novelty won't be as apparent.

[tatty1010]

Messedup I understand it's so hard to see your child upset. Maybe you could have a movie night or something else planned for the evening when he brings her home, something for her to look forward too and take her mind of 'leaving' her father.

[Greengoddess12]

Op what do you do while she's at her dads? Have you moved on and found someone else? I wonder if this is more about you wanting a similar family unit with a partner rather than your dd.

Do you see what I mean? Sorry if that's completely off beam

[tatty1010]

*off!

[LovingLola]

The OP says she has someone else too.

[MyWineTime]

Why should he never be allowed to leave her with someone else while he goes out?

All she needs is a bit of understanding from you - she's allowed to miss her dad. He isn't doing anything wrong and it isn't a reflection on you - it's just her feelings about the situation.

[pullingmyhairout1]

Personally I think this is a common problem because the parent with majorityof care has to do most of the mundane things, like homework, cleaning of clothes, housework. If I don't do that when I have my DD it doesn't get done. Therefore DD see's pwoc as 'fun' and us as dull. They will realise it's not all about activities in due course.

[ClopySow]

I get it. You do all of the grunt work and he only really does the fun stuff once a fortnight. It's shit, but unless he's willing to spend more time with her, all you can do is support her and try to make as much of your time fun as you can manage. It's not easy being fun for 12 days out of 14, particularly with all the day to day stress and tiredness.

[JagerPlease]

I'm 30 and my dad lives abroad so I only see him once a year. I miss him the most when I've just said goodbye and I suspect your DD may be feeling this as well. Doing something nice that evening, eating her favourite dinner or watching a movie or making plans for the next weekend may help?

[Greengoddess12]

Sorry lola and op missed that.

[Fortnum]

Its a shame she loves her dad and the fact she can see him more often upsetting.

Why did you split up ?

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Ds can be very moody when he comes back from his dad's and nothing I do is right he just can't express how he feels

It's quite normal even with children who see the nrp regularly

I get he brunt of it but that is just the way it is all you can do is allow them to be upset don't dismiss how why feel and encourage them to express how they feel

[neonrainbow]

NRPs can't fucking win can they? You need to grow the fuck up op and stop being so jealous that your daughter enjoys spending time with her dad.

And big deal he left her with a babysitter. Have you never left her with a babysitter?

[WhooooAmI24601]

DS1 is 11 and I split up from his Dad when he was 5 months old. He still comes back from there a little low and takes a day or so to get through it. He gets to be with me, DH and DS2 in our family unit constantly. The time he gets with his Dad is nowhere near as much in terms of quantity, and since his Dad also has a partner (who he adores) he doesn't even get 100% of his Dad's time and attention when he's there. Of course it's hard transitioning.

Your DD sounds like she's just struggling with not being able to see both of her parents whenever she wants. Until having DS1 I had no idea that children would even concern themselves with that, but they do.

On the other hand, being the RP can feel difficult when the NRP doesn't have to do school runs, homework and after-school sports clubs in the pissing-down rain. And that can breed discontent. But I'd far rather watch them play rugby and go horse riding and deal with homework and bedtime every night than have to be the NRP. Put yourself in his shoes; you both have it tough, in very different ways.

[Suppermummy02]

Not judging either side. If I only got to see my children EOW then I would be a Disney mom, so its not always a helpful label.

DC has great weekend with Dad then has to return home where rules are stricter (by necessity), saying goodbye to a parent who is upset might also trigger her (talking on SKYPE does not console). Then there is school the next day....

I think you need to be more understanding and maybe actively organise greater contact with her Dad.

[LemonSqueezy0]

I feel sorry for your DD and her dad! I don't want to pile in too, so to keep it more constructive - have you thought about why life with you is so mundane and how you can turn your own feelings on this around?

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Really there is no need for such an aggressive post the op is struggling with her daughter being away and then when she comes back she is upset

It's not what anyone signed up to and it is hard but just allow her to be sometimes it will be harder than at other times and you are the one that has to pick up the pieces and often he makes the effort to see his daughter is down to him nothing you can do to change that (that is hard to get your head around why he won't make more effort)

i have found if we doing something even have a game planned (obviously depends what time they come home) it helps

[TotallyOuting]

I still remember one time I came home from a weekend with my dad and just burst into tears, I was miserable. I'm not sure how my mum interpreted it, but really I still couldn't describe what exactly the problem was now. I suspect it might have been to do with missing him a lot because he had just left, and also the stress of switching situation/role. My time spent with him and my relationship with him wasn't quite like the time spent and relationship with my mum/family, and transitions can be hard.

[ladylambkin]

It's nothing to do with life at mums being mundane..jeezo!

[ladylambkin]

Sorry posted too early...her Dd is behaving entirely normally in my own experience. As she matures she will handle it better

for you op I know how you are feeling

[Hecticlifeanddrowning8]

Not sure why OP is being criticised so much , as she only seems to be asking if it's normal for her daughter to be like this after contact 😕
I would say it is normal that she is feeling like this especially if she is a sensitive child. My daughter was similar at that age with her dad, but it improved as when she got a bit older (When could text him midweek etc)
Maybe it would help if he could take her out for tea one evening on the week he doesn't see her at the weekend, so it didn't feel so long for her?

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Aaargh, this really gets my goat! 'So what if he left her with a babysitter?' (a fifteen yr old actually). He has to look after his child once a fucking fortnight for two nights and he's leaving her with someone else. The OP looks after her for twelve days out of every fourteen. In my opinion, he's a shit dad if he can't stay in for two fucking evenings once a fortnight. Pathetic.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

Has it not occurred to any of the posters attacking the OP that maybe this little girl is upset because her time with Daddy means a couple of hours of being entertained and then dumped on someone else while he pursues his own interests? How bloody confusing for her.

I can't stand posters who think an NRP who looks after the child for such a tiny percentage of the time should be able to go out to the pub etc. He has twelve nights a fortnight to do that so why the hell is he doing it on contact days?