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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want more friends

106 replies

Realitea · 15/11/2016 13:32

Dd goes to school. I take her there, I pick her up. I get on with my own life in between. I dont see it as a place to build new friendships. Ive got my friends already. A couple of parents want to meet up all the time and I am saying no every week. I work and im busy and im exhausted all the time. I just dont know what to do now. Ive explained how busy I am but its falling on deaf ears. I am very friendly, im talkative and nice I just dont want to make new friends.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Unicornsarelovely · 15/11/2016 13:33

YANBU but they're probably lonely and would like new friends and are approaching you because they think you're nice.

MandyFl0ss · 15/11/2016 13:35

You must be one of my neighbours, or one of the mums at my DD's school, or perhaps one of my work colleagues...
Lucky you...

Lewwat · 15/11/2016 13:39
Hmm
Marynary · 15/11/2016 13:39

You sound similar to many of the people who live in my area. They have lived here all their lives and have never experienced what it is like to be new to an area and not have the same friends living nearby that they have always had i.e. quite cliquey. Fortunately the people I work with are more well travelled and not quite as complacent. Don't worry they will get the message soon.

blowmybarnacles · 15/11/2016 13:41

How old is your daughter?

If she has just stated then that is seven years saying no...,,

Once in a while won't hurt and it's good to open your mind to new people who may need a friend.

Otherwise, just keep saying no, and they'll soon get the message .

Original poster
Realitea · 15/11/2016 13:42

What do you mean MandyFloss?
I hope my post didn't come across too heartless. It'sI just that I have had to say no again today and I wish I'd stop being asked to avoid the awkwardness. I only have a couple of friends I just never feel lonely although I understand other people especially parents can. I just like my own space if I can ever get it. I feel very drained after socialising and avoid it if possible.
What do people suggest I do? Explain again or just keep reminding them I'm busy?

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 15/11/2016 13:44

Your DD might miss out if you don't make SOME effort OP. These friendships form not just for the sake of the "oh-so desperate Mothers" but for the purposes of organising nice days out with the DC in the holidays.

And so you've got some idea of who your child is playing with and later having sleepovers with.

But remain aloof if you prefer ignorance.

TheSparrowhawk · 15/11/2016 13:46

YANBU. You're perfectly entitled not to want to be friends with people - it's far better not to accept than to accept and be flaky. I'm similar - I have a few friends and that's enough. I think, unfortunately, you have to be quite cagey and silent, otherwise you do get (very kind) offers that are hard to turn down. I know a lot of parents on the school run probably think I'm a bit of a hard-faced bitch but I'm too bloody tired to negotiate the minefield, so I just stay quiet!

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 13:47

YANBU its your life, therefore your choice.

And to the posters above bemoaning you for not taking a lonely person under your wing, why on earth would you do that if you dont have the time or energy anyway? Its not exactly fair or fun for either party is it?

WorraLiberty · 15/11/2016 13:51

I just dont know what to do now. Ive explained how busy I am but its falling on deaf ears.

You could massively overreact and start an internet thread? Grin

If it falls on deaf ears, then it falls on deaf ears.

It's not your problem.

Original poster
Realitea · 15/11/2016 14:12

ha! Very true Worraliberty!
I am well traveled and open minded, I am definitely not cliquey and I haven't lived here long myself. It's just I can't do it. Better to say I can't rather than flake out which I have done in the past and it just annoys people.
Thanks people

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 15/11/2016 14:16

If you haven't been there long, how is your friend situation so well-established?

It's up to you, but it does seem a bit mean. I've made some life-long friends at the school gates.

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 14:20

I have ended up with some right bunny boiler 'friends' at the school gates museum, just because you have children at school doesnt automatically mean that you are going to be BFF's and share interests. How is the op being mean, surely honesty is the best policy?

Lazyafternoon · 15/11/2016 14:21

YABU - to moan about it!

The other mums are the ones that want more friends. They are probably lonely and get bored on there own. I've had periods of time where I've been lonely and felt like I really needed to make more friends, but as hard as try to make friends it feels like although the other mums/ work colleagues/ neighbours have already got enough friends and although friendly and not rude they are just always 'too busy'.

Luckily I have since made some lovely friends, but I am conscious of being friendly and making the effort to make time for people who want to chat and who are looking for someone to meet for coffee/ play dates/ the odd evening out. It soon becomes clear if they are just nosey and want to find out who you are etc or a serial 'friend collector', or actually a genuine person who just wants be friends! Of course if you have nothing in common and don't have anything to talk about etc then that's a bit different and you'd be reasonable to make your excuses and not bother. In my mind it's always possible to make time for others if you want to. It doesn't need to be hours every week!

TheSparrowhawk · 15/11/2016 14:27

Why is she BU to moan about it Lazy? Clearly she's worn out at the moment and it's a source of stress for her. She doesn't want to be rude so she's asking for a kind and effective way to get her message across to people who don't seem to be listening.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/11/2016 14:31

I have ended up with some right bunny boiler 'friends' at the school gates museum, just because you have children at school doesnt automatically mean that you are going to be BFF's and share interests. How is the op being mean, surely honesty is the best policy?

Of course it doesn't mean you'll be BFFs, but isn't this a logical place to make friends - like co-workers or the dog park or your neighbours?

I know here on MN it's tres chic to hate the school gates and avoid spending a second longer than absolutely necessary at dropoff. Wink It sounds as though these people just want to get to know the OP and she's decided her dance card is completely full. Just a bit unfriendly.

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 14:32

Agreed Sparrow, I really dont see what benefit the OP or these other people would get from it, given what OP has already said. I am at a loss to understand why she is getting such negative responses.

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 14:34

Logical if you WANT to make friends museum but illogical if you dont, which the OP has clearly stated Is the case.

AnnetteKertan · 15/11/2016 14:35

It's it really that big a deal to say 'no'? They'll get the message eventually.

Msqueen33 · 15/11/2016 14:35

Sometimes the school gates are the only place people have to make friends. I've got two Sen kids and often I'm busy trying to get them into school so no one really talks to me and I do get lonely. Made you need to be more stand off ish. Arrive a bit later, no eye contact and stand back away from people. Might be an easy way to signal you don't want attention. Isn't mostly what we want to say governed by body language? Maybe they're reading your body language and think you'd like to meet up. I hope I've not come across as harsh.

Patriciathestripper1 · 15/11/2016 14:36

I'm glad your not at my DD school.
It must be nice being an island Hmm

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 14:36

And I am not being 'tres chic' museum, I was very open minded about it myself and it strongly backfired, with the added difficulty of not being able to avoid said people when dropping off DC's . I now stay in the car, not to be fashionable but for the sake of my own sanity.

Wookiecookies · 15/11/2016 14:37

Im glad you are not at my DC's school patricia. You sound so understanding.

TheSparrowhawk · 15/11/2016 14:39

WRT the negative responses - making friends is a sore spot for a lot of people so there's an element of jealousy at work I think. Some people see it as being the same as complaining you have too much money.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 14:40

Why is it such a hardship to say "no" OP?

Are you taxing yourself by making excuses? that can be tiring "oh I CAN'T because I don't have a babysitter" = some helpful person will say "why don't you send DD over to ours for a sleepover then they can be babysat together"… and it goes on and on

If you say "no, I don't really like going out in the evenings" - people appreciate your honestly and leave you alone.

I think you need to ask yourself why this is a problem for you? The problem isn't the people who ask. They might just invite everyone every time and can't be arsed to keep tabs on who has said no X amt of times before.

Also you sound like you are reading A LOT into the invites, that it's because you're so nice and interesting etc.. as if they're all desperate to be friends with you in particular.. in reality, they probably are just inviting everyone and nobody is friend-stalking you!