Not to want more friends

[Realitea]

Dd goes to school. I take her there, I pick her up. I get on with my own life in between. I dont see it as a place to build new friendships. Ive got my friends already. A couple of parents want to meet up all the time and I am saying no every week. I work and im busy and im exhausted all the time. I just dont know what to do now. Ive explained how busy I am but its falling on deaf ears. I am very friendly, im talkative and nice I just dont want to make new friends.
Aibu?

And btw, I am sat in my car on the school run as we speak OP.

Thank you wookie x

I have made big efforts due to others encouraging me after I'd already been hurt enough.... which have resulted in rejection and upset. I am happy in my own company most of the time as I have no choice. Now and then it is overwhelming.

Totally hear you lukas xxx

Only so many hours in the day. Only so much time and energy you can give people. Priorities come first and that is your work, family, close friends and downtime. Quality over quantity I always say when it comes to making friends. I used to befriend everyone and still only ended up with a handful of genuine good friends. I'm more fussy these days with who I give my time and energy to. It certainly isn't wasted no more on flakey, fair-weathered "friends" or back stabbing gossips, drama queens, self absorbed in only their own problems or those that have too much time on their hands ( sit on FB 24/7). Good on you for respecting your time and energy.

On the other side are those like me who are so lonely and join clubs etc. only to be ignored and left out by those who have enough friends/family. It makes me feel suicidal [having a particularly awful day] but of course it isn't the other persons fault or responsibility.

I've felt that way often. I was lucky enough to meet a few friends eventually, but for a long time I was always 'the new person' and surrounded by people my age who had had their friends for 20-30+ years and were'nt open to adding new people to their friendship groups. A couple of people told me directly that they didn't want more friends and a couple of people said while they were happy to have a coffee with me occasionally I wouldn't be invited to join any group stuff as the group didn't really like new people.

I get that it was all about those people and their groups just wanting what they wanted and that it wasn't personal against me, but that didn't stop it from feeling personal and like rejection. It does feel like rejection when someone says they don't want to make new friends. It's hard when you are trying to make friends to be told things like that because if a person is lonely and feeling rejected already, when their attempts to make friends are met with 'no' all the time, it starts to sound like "you're not good/interesting/whatever enough for me to want to get to know you",

It can be reallly hard as an adult to ever have friendships that are as good as friendships others have had their whole lives, even my closest friends now do definitely value their lifelong friends more than me. It's hard for people like me who have never been in one place long enough to have lifelong friends. The people I'm still in touch with after 30+ years live in different countries and I'll probably never see them again even though we talk occasionally on FB.

OP I don't think you're wrong to not want more friends, but I think you should be friendly. Does it hurt to have a coffee or something every now and again with someone you not actively looking for friendship with?

Totally agree with the feeling rejected.
I've stopped trying, and am so lonely, and incredibly isolated.

Iamnotacat " Does it hurt to have a coffee or something every now and again with someone you not actively looking for friendship with?"

It creates a false expectation.

I have stepped up in situations where colleagues or acquaintances have really needed help, but just go for coffee with someone you're not drawn to at all? Seems weird.

Agreed Lorelei.

I have no problem having kids here for tea or whatever but do the parents have to stay aswell? That's where I find it odd. My child's social life isn't mine

Well I find it very odd and TBH quite irresponsible to drop'n'run young kids at family homes you don't know.

Yes, I stay for the first few playdates.. then once I feel confident that there's no older children playing 18+ computer games in the living room, odd transient types coming in and out, badly managed aggressive dogs etc, I'll happily drop'n'run and have some child free time. But not if I don't know the parents

DD1 had a friend in reception whose parents I never met at the dates and who didn't even come in when I had her over for tea - needless to say we declined when DD was invited to be picked up by said parents and taken home for tea, I had no flippin clue who they were or what kind of home they had, absolutely not going to agree to that.

And as they get older and it gets more important to know the parents as it's not just tea, it's sleepovers.

I'm not looking for besties, in fact I find making small talk at playdates a bit cringey, but I do it for the DDs

OP if I approached you and asked you if you wanted to swap numbers so the DDs could get together outside school, I AM NOT FRIEND-HITTING ON YOU I don't have a friend crush, in fact I've had to talk myself out of my social anxiety to approach you for DDs sake. Honestly, get over yourself! I'ld rather hang back and sup my take away coffee but trust me it does cause problems for the kids if you don't engage even a little.

I think the problem with this thread is that it's the social equivalent of complaining your diamond shoes are too tight. It's like when people post threads about how they're struggling on their income of £100k. It's difficult for the many many people who are lonely and struggle to make friends to read it without pain. Not the op's fault I guess but explains why she's getting some pissy replies.

but just go for coffee with someone you're not drawn to at all? Seems weird.

But OP doesn't know any of these people.

That's what makes the rejection difficult for those of us who have had problems finding friends. It seems like people write us off before even bothering to get to know us. Choosing not to have coffee because you're not instantly 'drawn' to a person is writing them off before they've even had a chance. The message it sends is "I don't think you're not worth getting to know, even though I don't even know you".

I'm not saying everyone should make friends with everyone or have friends they don't want, but this attitude isn't a very friendly one to have. If someone's saying no over and over like OP is then the askers should stop asking. But in general I believe that if someone is making an effort to be friendly and kind to you and wanting to get to know you, it's nice to be friendly and kind back. If you don't 'click', a friendship won't develop anyway.

You never know what you're missing. There are lots of great people out there, and many of them are lonely. It makes me sad that there are people who consider their lives too full to bother with others.

I can see your point of view as well. I think they'll eventually stop asking if you keep on refusing. Another option may to just say that you don't like going out in the evenings? I personally am up for making friends through school with people I feel I have things in common with or like a lot, but find the general mum's class nights out a little hard-going, as they're usually a lot bigger group.

You can very much see that some people base their whole social life around school and other mums. I don't want to do that particularly, as I have friends outside school as well.

Iamnotacat
"If you don't 'click', a friendship won't develop anyway."

Alas, this is not true. Sometimes showing sympathy and going for drinks etc ends with one party liking the other and it not being mutual.

I do find I meet a lot of people anyway, but I think - could be wrong - the op is simply saying this is not the right setting for her to make new friends as well as needing to be careful with her time. Same here.

I'm not absolutely refusing anyone new into my life but it has to be natural, not forced. I can imagine a school run as being something that just gets ticked off a to do list. I have had periods of being lonely and I remember other friends telling me how kids in school can get you stuck wth people you don't like and to enjoy not having social obligations!!

but really most mums who are looking to get to know their kids friends parents aren't on the hunt for a new BFF either.. most of us just want to be friendly aquaintances because it makes life easier, and the OP is interpreting ALL attempts at general "friendliness" as people being needy and wanting new besties.

That really isn't the case for most, it's just networking, so you know who to chase up for party RSVPS or so you have someone to text or message if the homework makes no sense or so you can arrange playdates.. that's as far as it goes if you DO reciprocate these friendly advances it doesn't tend to escalate to bridget jones marathons and sharing stories of when we lost our virginity.. seriously the OP needs to relax, nobody has done anything remotely clingy to her, they've just tried to make her acquaintance

Well I completely get where the OP is coming from and I'm one of those people who struggles to make friends. I don't see why she's getting grief though it might be from the sort of people who think that anyone who doesn't want to be BFF with them is completely unreasonable (and basically the sort of people that the OP is so trying to avoid!). I don't read it as the OP being stand-offish, just that she wishes that people would take no for an answer. Why should she have to make friends with everyone just because they're there? Maybe she has loads of friends elsewhere, maybe she just has a couple of friends. Who cares. The point is that she's choosing not to make more friends at the school gates but the people there seem to think that she should be friends.

I don't read it as the OP being stand-offish, just that she wishes that people would take no for an answer

Are we supposed to keep spread sheets of who we have invited to previous playdates etc and cross people off after the 3rd "no" and never invite them again just so that people like the OP never has to go to the tremendous effort of saying "no thank you"? What about those of us who work full time and usually HAVE to say no more often than yes but still appreciate the invites for the times we are free?

I'ld rather just include everyone, if people stuggle to say no that's their problem, I don't keep a mental tally of how many times they've said no if I'm just arranging a picnic with classmates for DD during the holidays - jez!

Following this thread with real interest.
Also feeling a tad lonely here. I put in lots of effort but have concluded that people think i'm a bit mad from maybe being too smiley and trying too hard to be friendly.

They're reaching out to you because they want to make new friends and they think you're nice- and from what I can gather, they're wrong.
Just tell them straight and put them out of their misery, and you won't have to go through the ordeal of people trying to include you again.

I wasn't after new friends, either. I did want some contacts to text at 9pm when it is unclear yet again if swimming is happening at 8 or 9am and when the class assembly starts. We made a few contacts for reciprocal emergency pick ups and drop offs. Over the years, some lovely friendships developed.

If you'd met me early on, I'd have seemed very friendly. Not because I was friend-hunting, but I knew we'd meet for 7 years at parties and meetings.

OP - I don't think you come across badly at all - you are clearly just a busy person which i get completely (even though i'd love to get all your invites !).
Have you said something along the lines of "thank you for thinking of me, but I really am stuck for any free time, and when i do have some that's family etc time"
No one could be offended by that, its clear, not rude, forthright but not stand offish at all.

Wow BOOP, judge much?!

How do you know the OP isnt "nice" just because you have a different approach/opinion as to how to interact at the school gates? Bizarre.

She has said nothing horrible at all.

She has said nothing horrible at all.

She has a little bit, she's said that the other parents trying to arrange stuff are obviously doing so because she is so interesting and fun and has pretty much deducted they are all needey friend stalkers who friend-crush on her cause she is so awesome…. and not, y'know, just one of the people who they'll be dealing with for the next few years at parties and playdates etc which is probably much more likely their motivation..

I forgot to add, I invited a school mum friend I had known for a few years, but not particularly well, and her husband, over to dinner. I didn't get a reply (it was by text), although she mentioned receiving it when I saw her, and joining up with other friends and going out to a restaurant instead. I can see very clearly that I was snubbed (! can't think of a better word) but at least I know where I stand with her. I don't think I'll be offering any dinner invitations for a while. Do you think that was rude of her, or am I being a bit sensitive?

I feel for all those who are lonely. Keep trying, a friend told me school friendships can sometimes take a few years to cultivate.