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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want more friends

106 replies

Realitea · 15/11/2016 13:32

Dd goes to school. I take her there, I pick her up. I get on with my own life in between. I dont see it as a place to build new friendships. Ive got my friends already. A couple of parents want to meet up all the time and I am saying no every week. I work and im busy and im exhausted all the time. I just dont know what to do now. Ive explained how busy I am but its falling on deaf ears. I am very friendly, im talkative and nice I just dont want to make new friends.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Flowercat16 · 15/11/2016 19:42

I agree Wookie, OP hadn't said anything horrible at all.

Yuck Yuck reply is rather misleading....

She has a little bit, she's said that the other parents trying to arrange stuff are obviously doing so because she is so interesting and fun hmm and has pretty much deducted they are all needey friend stalkers who friend-crush on her cause she is so awesome….

Funny... I can't find in any of her posts on this thread where she said she was so interesting and fun and that's why they are trying befriend her.
You are clearly twisting her posts. And you were saying about OP saying horrible things...? !

Ahickiefromkinickie · 15/11/2016 21:13

YuckYuckEwwww

she's said that the other parents trying to arrange stuff are obviously doing so because she is so interesting and fun Hmm

No, Yucky, OP said 'I work and im busy and im exhausted all the time'

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 21:35

Yes she did

"I am very friendly, im talkative and nice I just dont want to make new friends." & "I am well traveled and open minded"

She obviously thinks she's being approached because people think she's awsome friend martial. By people she doesn't know. Which is quite a leap, she doesn't seem to think people are just reaching out to whoever they meet from their DCs class. She seems to think they're specifically targetting her with friend crushes on her.. which is probably reading something into it that's really not there.

When my DDs started new classes I "made friends" (by which I mean friendly aquantances who I knew well enough to arrange an odd playdate with) with people who I wouldn't normally be friends with. I wasn't friend

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 21:48

The OP (and some posters) seem to think that if the OP reciprocates at all she'll end up with a bunch of mom-friends living in her pocket

c'mon how likely is that? that doesn't even happen easily for people who want a bunch of mom friends

Most likely is it would be the odd playdate and a few mumblings about "we should all go for drinks some time" which never actually happen because nobody can get babysitters.. and as a (good) trade off she'ld have contacts for RSVPs, playdates, sleepovers and occassional help with pick ups or car shares to brownies.

Yes there are cling-ons and drama-llamas in settings like the school gates who are worth keeping at arms length, but OP hasn't described anything like that, just people getting to know the other parents in the class which she has interpreted as people friend-crushing on her hard!

MarciaBlaine · 15/11/2016 21:48

Well I'm nice and open minded and well travelled and chatty, BUT I am a total introvert and found all the school gate stuff quite excruciating. I never looked for friends there either. HOWEVER I did make an effort with the other parents for dc's sake, which has paid off a bit now they are older and it is more sleepovers and independent trips out to McDonalds and the shops etc. I know and trust them, and them me. So there is a balance to be had I think.

wtffgs · 15/11/2016 21:50

Well aren't you a delight?! Hmm

Sagacity · 15/11/2016 21:53

Hi
Having been at the receiving end of unrequited friendship offers I would suggest you just be honest and tell them you don't have time for new friends. I spent ages trying to "make friends" with my neighbour. She just never took up my offers for coffee etc. I spent years wondering "what was wrong with me" when in reality the neighbour was like yourself, happy and busy with what they had which is fine.
On a side note, I love making new friends. It's so lovely when you meet another "like minded" spirit.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 21:54

Exactly, and the great thing is, when you do achieve that balance, it actually means you get to spend LESS time at the school gates because you have people taking your DDs home for tea or transferring them to Brownies or Dance after school for you every other week.. so it cuts down your school gate small talk time, some weeks in half! BARGAIN! (cause most people hate the small talk!).

Also, because I made school mum "friends", I don't even have to do half of the parties either, because the DDs can get lifts with friends to and from them!

I've never had to go on a cringey "mums night out" either - I've just had a few cups of coffee and swapped numbers, it's not gone any further than that.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 22:01

(that was a reply to Marcia BTW)

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 09:27

So yuck, your 'friendships' would appear to be mostly 'useful' to you and loaded with favours and lifts etc. Perhaps that isnt so nice for those who consider you to be an actual friend?

We can all make a "big leap" interpreting someones words on the internet.

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 09:29

After all, this conversation is about making 'friends' not an army if useful minions.

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 09:29

Of

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/11/2016 09:35

Yanbu op but I do agree that it is good to make a bit of an effort when your children are in primary school. It will expand your child's social circle, even if you want to keep the parents at arms length. But would it hurt to go out for class drinks or a coffee or something once a term or so?

By the time your children are at secondary school you won't have to keep up with any of these people if you don't want to. Over the years, more and more sahps will go back to work too. It all changes very quickly.

museumum · 16/11/2016 09:38

I just don't get the angst. You don't need to be aloof and cold to avoid being approached nor do you have to be bosom buddies.
I work from home self employed. If I was asked to do anything by nursery mums I'd just say "sorry, I have a ton of work and not enough time, I really can't take time out in the day" - easy and true.

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 09:44

I must admit museummum I get angst about things like this, largely because I dont want to upset or offend anyone and also (my own issue I know) I find it difficult to say no. Some find it easier than others, contrary to what some other 'posters' may think, I actually see the OP's angst as a sign that she is probably a very nice, considerate person. Who, whilst realising she doesnt have the capacity to take on new friendships, would prefer not to hurt anyones feelings in the process. I dont get why she is being bashed for feeling torn.

SpookyPotato · 16/11/2016 10:50

Yuck But some people don't even want that level of involvement and that's fine too. They just want to get on with it, not rely on anyone and let their kids friendships develop naturally. It's about finding the same people as you, no way is wrong.

YuckYuckEwwww · 16/11/2016 20:34

So yuck, your 'friendships' would appear to be mostly 'useful' to you and loaded with favours and lifts etc. Perhaps that isnt so nice for those who consider you to be an actual friend?

I'm pretty sure that the friendly aquaintances from school who do me favours are quite happy with the arrangements since I take my turns giving their DDs lifts/ collect them in emergencies etc and it works both ways Wink Mainly we're all happy that our DDs get invites and are able to see their friends in the summer if they ask to.

Yuck But some people don't even want that level of involvement and that's fine too. They just want to get on with it, not rely on anyone and let their kids friendships develop naturally. It's about finding the same people as you, no way is wrong.

People don't necessary get involved because they WANT to, a lot do it for their DCs and go out of their comfort zone so that their DCs don't get left out, because that's the reality! When they're all coming to school talking about sleep-overs your DD will ask you why she hasn't had school friends to sleep over, and people will not (if they're anyway responsible) let their kids sleep over at yours if they don't know them from adam. Not only that but if she's the only one of her friendship group not meeting up outside of school she may well find herself left behind as the group tightens because that does happen!

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 20:53

My DC's see their friends whenever they want. No socialising on my part needed, other than a "hello, how are you?" My Kids can have their own social lives and choose their own friends without me buddying up to the mums/dads.

YuckYuckEwwww · 16/11/2016 21:06

Presumably you're talking about older kids Wookie?

I can't wait till I can just hand them some bus money and stay out of it, but for now I wouldn't dream of droping them at the door of families I don't know at all other than "hello" and leaving them in a home I'ld never been in for the night!

Wookiecookies · 16/11/2016 22:47

No. you presume wrong.

And we dont really do sleepovers.

Aderyn2016 · 16/11/2016 23:14

I am not very sociable but honestly, you are doing your dc no favours if you don't ever mix with other parents at school. As has been said, responsible parents won't just drop their child off at yours if they have no idea whether they can trust you. And you never know when you will need a favour from these women - your dc will be friends with their dc for many years to come. It does help when you are friendly enough to ask someone to do an emergency pick up from school for you, or when you are arranging your dc's birthday party - people who consider themselves to be your friend will make the effort to reply to invitations promptly and attend even when it is a bit inconvenient.

Life runs more smoothly when people observe the social niceties.

Lucy7400 · 16/11/2016 23:28

I think you're going to have to be more detached. Also,.dont mistake people asking you for coffee as friendship. I dont work and occassionally ask a mum for coffee. I am not after friendship, I see it as forging links. I dont have family nearby so sometimes its good to have someone to call and vice versa. I dont want a friend as such. In fact, I avoid it after a bad experience of competitive parents and trouble when DCs fall out.

YuckYuckEwwww · 17/11/2016 15:09

No. you presume wrong.

And we dont really do sleepovers.

So what happens if your kids ask if they can go home with X for tea next wednesday? Do you just agree even though you don't know Xs parents or home set up at all? If your kids are young then I think it's not okay to let them "Self manage" their social lives, because some homes are chaotic and not suitable environments for kids, even just for tea or a playdate.

5to2 · 17/11/2016 15:15

You can know enough about parents as acquaintances for DC's play dates and sleepovers, you don't need to be best mates first. I can honestly say I've never made friends with someone through our kids being friends. I have my friends and DDs have theirs. It's not to say I don't get on with their friends' parents- I know them enough that we can ask one another for favours. But I wouldn't call them friends.

Wookiecookies · 17/11/2016 15:18

yuck Biscuit for you.

Clearly you are just intent on goading the fuck out of me and my parenting (which you know nothing about btw other than a couple of small paragraphs on MN) so why dont we just agree to disagree and move on.

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