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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with DH for making me wait

60 replies

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:40

I have now had three miscarriages and after each one, my DH has insisted on waiting several months before trying again. His rationale is that it's all too stressful and he needs a break from it. I find it torture to wait and I can't understand his logic. I think its better to just keep on trying - we have one DD so there is hope that I can carry a baby to term. I think I need some other people's perspectives on this because I feel so angry and resentful. Thanks

OP posts:

Stormwhale · 04/11/2016 10:42

I think you need to respect his wishes. He is clearly finding it hard. These losses are his losses too op. Sorry for both of you.

hesterton · 04/11/2016 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 04/11/2016 10:43

You should take his concerns on board, it affects him too. Sorry for your losses but you really should be united on this not at loggerheads.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 10:43

He's telling you he's finding things really hard and needs some time before going through it all again. Please try not to be angry with him-miscarriages at hard for everyone and some people can't just get on and try again. Have you had any counselling? Sorry for your losses.

Oly5 · 04/11/2016 10:44

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages. There is no medical reason to wait but I CAN understand that one person would find the whole pressure of trying to conceive all the time very stressful.
How old are you OP? If you're 40 it's very different to being 30. I'd you're younger then time is on your side.
I think you've got to let go a little of the fact he's denying you something. If a man was pressurising a woman into conceiving straight after miscarriage then everyone would quite rightly say take your time.
A man does have a right to have a say in this too. It takes two to be parents and to make a baby so his view is a valid one, even if you don't agree with it.

LouBlue1507 · 04/11/2016 10:46

So sorry for you losses

But I do think YABU. It must be awful for you, but it's also awful for DH too. The anguish and emotional stress must really take its toll on both of you. If your DH needs time, then you need to respect that.

KayTee87 · 04/11/2016 10:46

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I agree with previous posters that you have to respect his wishes even if you don't agree with them. Have you told him how upset you are to wait? Maybe he thinks he's doing the best thing for you to give your body a break?

KayTee87 · 04/11/2016 10:47

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Imnotaslimjim · 04/11/2016 10:48

I'm sorry you're going through this, it is extremely tough. I had 6 losses myself before carrying 2 DC to term.

However, your DH is going through this too. If he can't cope with the stress of trying again while getting over the grief of the loss then that is his prerogative. My DH went along with my wishes to keep going and ended up breaking down at work, extremely upset. If your DH is willing to show he is upset then let him. I know your anxious to add to your family but it seems he's just as anxious to spare you both the pain of another loss.

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:55

Thanks ladies. This is what I need to hear. Thanks for being so gentle in the way you've said it. I know you're right. I just find the waiting agonising.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:56

KayTee - yes, he knows how upset I am at waiting.

OP posts:

TheSkyAtNight · 04/11/2016 10:56

I'm so sorry for your losses. Your feelings and your oh's are both important. It's very common for women to want to try again sooner than men on the loss forums I'm part of. It's agonising to wait and can feel like his wishes are taking priority over yours but you both need to be ready. We finally are lucky enough to have a child but my oh is still unsure if he could 'go through it all again' (his words). I don't really understand his feelings but have had to accept that his response to our losses has been different. That's so hard at a time when you really need each other.

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:58

Oly5 - I'm 34. I feel like time is against me but that's only because I have had these losses. I know plenty of women who are several years older and having no problems having babies.

OP posts:

Bountybarsyuk · 04/11/2016 11:03

Op poor you, what a very hard thing to go through and I can completely understand your way of dealing with it is to keep going- his is to slow down.

Have you have any medical checks done? It may be by waiting at this stage, there is something to be gained from this window to check all is ok (perhaps you have already done this).

Otherwise, I think it sounds like he needs time to process it all and also to come to terms with your distress, sometimes from outside, watching the one you love so upset is very difficult and he'd rather you didn't go through this time and time again- he may also be very upset in your own right.

Talking and trying to stay a team/strong family is the aim here, however it is achieved.

soupmaker · 04/11/2016 11:04

I'm so sorry for your losses Pink. I know how agonising your situation is.

I had my first DC at 37 and had 2 losses before having second DC at 42. It took me a while to recognise that DH needed time to grieve too and that the losses weren't just mine. I think YABU and need to really talk to your DH and find a way of getting through this together as a team. It'll make you stronger.

Look after yourself.

TheViceOfReason · 04/11/2016 11:07

Very difficult situation, but if it was reversed and a woman was upset as immediately after each MC her DH was expecting her to immediately begin trying to conceive again - despite her saying she needed time to get her emotions back under control - he'd be slated.

Physically it is much harder on you - no doubt - but emotionally you are equals.

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 11:10

TheViceofReason - you're absolutely right of course. If it was the other way around and DH was pressurising me to try again people would be slating him and rightly so.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 11:12

Bounty - yes, I have now had the full range of medical tests done and they revealed no problems at all. You're right that he finds it very hard to see me so distressed.

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:13

You can't "reverse" this.

Having a miscarriage is not the same as having your wife have a miscarriage.

I think he's being unfair to make you wait for him to be ready when it is your body going through multiple miscarriages to try to have a baby he wants to.

I think my love for someone who would put a woman through that pain after multiple miscarriages would start to die.

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:15

You're right that he finds it very hard to see me so distressed.

So why is he causing you further distress by making you wait until a time of his choosing?

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 11:16

I think he's being unfair to make you wait for him to be ready when it is your body going through multiple miscarriages to try to have a baby he wants too

You're talking as if this man can't be upset that his baby has just been lost. He is allowed to grieve too, and want to be strong enough to potentially go through it again.

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:18

Of course he is is allowed to grieve too.

But his grief is being prioritised here at the expense of the person having the miscarriages.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 11:19

So why is he causing you further distress by making you wait until a time of his choosing?

Again, you're ignoring the emotional effect of the miscarriage on him. Men aren't just sperm donors with no feelings.

HazelBite · 04/11/2016 11:22

It must be very emotionally distressing for you both. I know that until I had truly come to terms with my loss I didn't start trying again. I had to let my sensible "head" rule on that one, and not my heart, but with time I realised my hormones were playing havoc with my "heart".

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2016 11:23

Sorry to hear of your losses OP

However, I echo those who have said this affects the two of you and therefore, you should wait until both of you are ready.

Emotionally it must be awfully tough for you both.

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