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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with DH for making me wait

60 replies

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:40

I have now had three miscarriages and after each one, my DH has insisted on waiting several months before trying again. His rationale is that it's all too stressful and he needs a break from it. I find it torture to wait and I can't understand his logic. I think its better to just keep on trying - we have one DD so there is hope that I can carry a baby to term. I think I need some other people's perspectives on this because I feel so angry and resentful. Thanks

OP posts:
Eatthecake · 04/11/2016 11:23

Firstly I am sorry to hear of your loss OP

I myself had 5 miscarriages and each time it broke me and dh emotionally a little more and after the 5th one, DH said he didn't know if he could do it again he was struggling so for a while we stepped back from ttc and spend time together doing thing we love. I've now got 4 healthy DC!

Yes the women has the miscarriage and of course only you can feel the psychical effects but you both grieve and hurt emotionally as equals. You have both lost a baby.

Why not give both of you a little time? Even until say the new year, then start on a blank page a nice fresh start

Eevee77 · 04/11/2016 11:24

So doinit, you propose her OH has unprotected sex even if he is uncomfortable with it? Hmm

I'm so sorry for your losses OP. He needs time to grieve too but I can understand why it might be incredibly frustrating for you. You need to support each other.

Littleballerina · 04/11/2016 11:24

DoinItFine, seriously? Is he just a tool to make the baby?

Sorry for your losses PinksndWhite. Look after each other.

gillybeanz · 04/11/2016 11:25

I'm so sorry for your losses and can understand why you wouldn't want to wait Thanks
I agree with pp, they are his losses too and it sounds like the poor man is struggling too.
So sorry for you both, be kind to each other Thanks

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:26

I know women whose grief from a miscarriage continued until they got pregnant again.

If they had had a husband who out his own grief first in this way, their pain would have been much, much worse.

But a man has feelings, so let's all bow down before him.

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2016 11:28

DoinItFine, you're coming across a bit like you think men in this situation should be cold hearted, emotionless robots with no say in the matter at all.

I know my DH would be every bit as devastated as me, so I would definitely take his feelings into consideration.

That's not prioritising his grief at all.

That's two people supporting each other.

FerretFred · 04/11/2016 11:28

I can't understand fully what it's like for a woman to go through a miscarriage all I can say is that men also feel a lot of pain. Rightly, when a woman loses a child the focus is on her feelings. However, men often don't have anybody to talk to about it.

There's little in this life that upsets me these days. The memory of going through that with my wife does.

I can't offer advice, but good luck OP.

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:29

Is he just a tool to make the baby?

No, she is apparently.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 11:30

But a man has feelings, so let's all bow down before him.

Ffs it isn't about her husband being a man. It's about one member of the couple being too upset to try again. It doesn't matter which one of them it is-they need to support each other until they are ready to try again (if that's even what they want to do).

Pinkheart5915 · 04/11/2016 11:31

Hi pinkamdwhites Ever so sorry to hear of your loss 💐

I had a stillborn DD at 35 weeks a few years ago and at the time I thought I wanted to try again asap but looking back now I see that wouldn't of been the right thing for me. DH however wouldn't entertain the idea of trying again he was scared the same would happen and he was hurting. We went to counselling for our loss as a couple which was a great help, is that something you and your DH would look in to??
We do now 5 years after loosing our baby first born have a ds and a DD.

Yes you've had the miscarriage but as a couple you have both lost a baby and you are both entitled to grieve for that baby

Take a little time for you both 💐

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 11:32

Is he just a tool to make the baby?

No, she is apparently.

That doesn't even make sense. There's only one tool on this thread...

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:33

But he's not supporting her if he's making her wait and it is causing massive pain to her.

3 miscarriages and he has done thus every time.

Not once thought, "OK, fuck it. Let's just see what hapoens if it will make you feel better."

Every time it is her waiting in distress until he feels up to her being pregnant again.

It dors not sound kike support is going both ways.

Original poster
Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 11:33

Thanks for all the wise words here. This is really helping me.

OP posts:
whattodowiththepoo · 04/11/2016 11:36

Sorry for your loss, I hope you find some comfort in something soon.
Ignore DoinItFine

Fcukthetww · 04/11/2016 11:37

☝🏻 This right here! I sometimes think people comment on these threads just to be contrary.

Coffeegivemecoffee · 04/11/2016 11:38

Morning pinkamdwhites

Firstly I would like to say I am very sorry to hear of your loss 💐

I had 8 miscarriages and it did take its toll on DH, as it did me. In the end we had to stop ttc for a while for the sake of DH mental health really, he just couldn't emotionally cope with it.
We seeked counselling, have you loooked in to this at all? It might be helpful to you both.
We did go on to have 2dc.

You have both lost a baby and that has an emotional effect on your equally

Maybe giving yourself a couple of months of so wouldn't be a bad thing

BabyIamAfirework · 04/11/2016 11:43

Hello pinkandwhites

Sorry to hear of your losses 💐

Have you looked in to counselling for you both?

I had 2 miscarriages and they broke DH every bit as much as they did me. Ok my body had the miscarriage so he didn't feel the psychical effect but emotionally he was hurting and seeing my heart break just added to his hurt. We had to take time off ttc after our 2nd loss it was all to much.

You've both lost babies
Your both grieve for them babies

Maybe a little while wouldn't be a bad thing, nothing wrong with giving yourself some time

Sparlklesilverglitter · 04/11/2016 11:47

Very sorry to hear of your loss Flowers

You have both lost your babies, be kind to yourselves

SemiNormal · 04/11/2016 11:52

So why is he causing you further distress by making you wait until a time of his choosing? - and what if she wasn't ready to try and conceive again, and he put pressure on her to fall pregnant? would that be okay? for her to have a baby when her heart and soul wasn't into it? I genuinely cannot understand your point of view at all.

Wdigin2this · 04/11/2016 11:53

I understand his point of view, but I also understand that you find it hard to wait....you really should be finding some sort of compromise together!

Benedikte2 · 04/11/2016 11:57

OP how long does your DH want to wait? Is it a fixed period or will he decide when he is ready, meanwhile leaving you to get increasingly anxious that time may be running out?
This needs to be a joint decision at the very least so that you can try to carry on with life knowing it's only X amount of time until you'll start to try again.
I had 4 miscarriages so know the grief involved and am not discounting this factor but I am also aware of the acute anxiety regarding whether one will be able to have a longed for child and I feel this outweighs the other emotional distress.
Good luck

LittlePaintBox · 04/11/2016 12:01

So sorry you are going through this. Sad

Is there any possibility of you going to counselling to talk about this issue constructively?

After I had a miscarriage, I couldn't face another pregnancy for a couple of years because I didn't cope very well emotionally. I also felt very distanced from my DH because he wrote off the miscarriage as a 'failed embryo', which was his way of coping. I got furious when people told me 'he is suffering as well' but I think he was - he just wasn't taking my feelings into consideration.

This led to a very bad patch in our relationship. I think it would have helped if I'd realised at the time that we were dealing with a relationship problem as well as the miscarriage.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 04/11/2016 12:12

Could you try to help him work out how long he thinks he needs? Not a timetable or anything, just get him to think about what seems a reasonable time to work through his feelings about your losses and the fear of having to go through it again.

I've had a lot of miscarriages and until I made him talk about it (not an easy job!) I hadn't realised how much he blamed himself. It turned out that he did have a chromosomal defect which was probably causing so many miscarriages, but that's obviously not anything he could control. At one point I called a halt and said we shouldn't have any more treatment (fertility issues- whole other story!) until we'd both had time out and recovered completely. It was only a month, but the break made a huge difference and the next month I became pregnant with our first son.

After our daughter was stillborn (not connected to MrZ's issues) I wanted to get pregnant again straight away. I wanted another chance to get it right, because I felt so totally to blame for her death. I had another miscarriage and it nearly finished me. Then I got pregnant again very quickly and while being pregnant on the first anniversary of her death did help me through the day, in so many ways the whole thing was much, much harder that it might have been if I'd given myself more time.

Be careful that you don't push him too hard, or he may decide that he can't deal with it any more and he doesn't want any more pregnancies. Try to remember that you started out wanting to create a family together, not just for him to give you the baby you wanted.

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 12:41

If you are finding it difficult to cope with the fact that you have no say and just have to wait patiently until he has had the break he needs, why not choose a break for yourself?

Rule out trying again for 6 months (ideally a time beyond his previous breaks) and then you are not in the position where your own grief is waiting for his grief to let you try again.

You can't force hik to try ehile he is insisting he needs a break. But you can take your own break.

Mybugslife · 04/11/2016 13:04

We've been through similar. We've lost 3 babies 2 due to Miscarriage and one stilllbirth.
After our son was stillborn I wanted to try again fairly quickly but my DP didn't we ended up waiting a few months and fell strait away. The pregnancy ended in a mmc. We were both distraught and my DP even said he didn't want to try again. We ended up going to counselling together and it seriously helped. I didn't realise how much it had all effected him, he lost his babies too and also had to see me in physical and emotional pain. He felt he had to be strong for me but he was as broken inside as I was and petrified of it all happening again.
We tried again after a year. But it was a decision we both made.

I know how tough it is but you need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about it. Maybe try couples counselling?
I'm really sorry for your losses xx