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AIBU?

to be furious with DH for making me wait

60 replies

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 10:40

I have now had three miscarriages and after each one, my DH has insisted on waiting several months before trying again. His rationale is that it's all too stressful and he needs a break from it. I find it torture to wait and I can't understand his logic. I think its better to just keep on trying - we have one DD so there is hope that I can carry a baby to term. I think I need some other people's perspectives on this because I feel so angry and resentful. Thanks

OP posts:

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Copyandpaste111 · 06/11/2016 15:53

I want safeguards in place to protect women from other people getting to decide how long they aee allowed to take making decisions about their own bodies.

Doinitfine 20/07/2016

ferriswheel · 06/11/2016 13:08

Everyone is being very nice. I guess your dh is well within his rights but I would be like you. That would drive me crazy. I had a mmc, I now have three babies. At the time my mmc broke me, I understand your terrible sadness and frustration. Good luck.

JustHappy3 · 06/11/2016 13:06

Another voice here to say go for the counselling - both together and separately if you can. It was vital to us to get through it all. A safe place to let out the anger and grief on your own and to have someone facilitate our understanding of how each other responds and needs support.
I came back to the house after being hospitalized in London for days with a mc. And DH was upbeat the next day about trying again and I just collapsed on the floor and sobbed and sobbed. I needed time to recover emotionally. So i have sympathy for your DH as well as for you. You have to find a joint approach that works for you both or you'll end up as one of the many marriages destroyed by infertility.

Pinkandwhite · 06/11/2016 11:28

Thanks for the replies. So helpful and such good points.

OP posts:

aurynne · 06/11/2016 01:21

My DH and his first DW lost a baby at 12 weeks. He still grieves for this baby. At the time, thought, his DW was angry that he was "not showing any emotion". He just kept it all inside.

Men and women sometimes grieve differently, but they both grieve for lost babies.

CaptainCabinets · 05/11/2016 23:56

His babies have died, too; you're not the only one grieving. Maybe he feels like trying again immediately is 'replacing' the babies you've lost and he doesn't want to do that yet. Just give him some time.

Side note: I'm sure the responses from some pps would be very different if you were the one who wanted to wait and he wanted to TTC immediately after a MC.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP, and wish you all the luck in the world on having a healthy little one next time.

user1471950254 · 05/11/2016 20:09

I'm so sorry for your losses and can't imagine what you have been through. I think you and your partner really need to be there for each other and support each other. I think you have different methods of coping which unfortunately means different timescales for trying again.

Perhaps some relationship counselling would help You both cope with what you've been through and also help you communicate with each other. Best of luck and I really hope things get better

Mybugslife · 04/11/2016 19:19

I was put off counselling by people who suggested it was a make or break situation and counselling wouldn't help. But we knew we didn't want to split up we just needed help coming to terms with loosing our babies. It was the best decision we ever made. We are so strong and we communicate so much better now. It's worth a try xx

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 18:58

I can't thank everyone enough for the responses. I'm sorry for the awful losses other people have suffered too.

He only wants a couple of months to recover a bit. He just wants until the New Year I think.

On the back of all of these helpful comments and the better perspective they have given me, we have managed to have a decent conversation about this and I think I understand his viewpoint a bit more.

I think we will look at having a bit of counselling though. This is a hard thing to go through.

OP posts:

RoseGoldHippie · 04/11/2016 13:09

Hi OP

I haven't RTFT so this may have already been suggested (if so I'm sorry)

Is theare potential that he thinks if you Have a break from stressing over it, it may happen naturally but is trying to put it in a 'lets have a break for a while' way?

Does he mean going back onto contraception or does he mean stop all the tracking and sex on time stuff?

I'm also very sorry for your losses

Mybugslife · 04/11/2016 13:04

We've been through similar. We've lost 3 babies 2 due to Miscarriage and one stilllbirth.
After our son was stillborn I wanted to try again fairly quickly but my DP didn't we ended up waiting a few months and fell strait away. The pregnancy ended in a mmc. We were both distraught and my DP even said he didn't want to try again. We ended up going to counselling together and it seriously helped. I didn't realise how much it had all effected him, he lost his babies too and also had to see me in physical and emotional pain. He felt he had to be strong for me but he was as broken inside as I was and petrified of it all happening again.
We tried again after a year. But it was a decision we both made.

I know how tough it is but you need to sit down with him and have a proper talk about it. Maybe try couples counselling?
I'm really sorry for your losses xx

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 12:41

If you are finding it difficult to cope with the fact that you have no say and just have to wait patiently until he has had the break he needs, why not choose a break for yourself?

Rule out trying again for 6 months (ideally a time beyond his previous breaks) and then you are not in the position where your own grief is waiting for his grief to let you try again.

You can't force hik to try ehile he is insisting he needs a break. But you can take your own break.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 04/11/2016 12:12

Could you try to help him work out how long he thinks he needs? Not a timetable or anything, just get him to think about what seems a reasonable time to work through his feelings about your losses and the fear of having to go through it again.

I've had a lot of miscarriages and until I made him talk about it (not an easy job!) I hadn't realised how much he blamed himself. It turned out that he did have a chromosomal defect which was probably causing so many miscarriages, but that's obviously not anything he could control. At one point I called a halt and said we shouldn't have any more treatment (fertility issues- whole other story!) until we'd both had time out and recovered completely. It was only a month, but the break made a huge difference and the next month I became pregnant with our first son.

After our daughter was stillborn (not connected to MrZ's issues) I wanted to get pregnant again straight away. I wanted another chance to get it right, because I felt so totally to blame for her death. I had another miscarriage and it nearly finished me. Then I got pregnant again very quickly and while being pregnant on the first anniversary of her death did help me through the day, in so many ways the whole thing was much, much harder that it might have been if I'd given myself more time.

Be careful that you don't push him too hard, or he may decide that he can't deal with it any more and he doesn't want any more pregnancies. Try to remember that you started out wanting to create a family together, not just for him to give you the baby you wanted.

LittlePaintBox · 04/11/2016 12:01

So sorry you are going through this.

Is there any possibility of you going to counselling to talk about this issue constructively?

After I had a miscarriage, I couldn't face another pregnancy for a couple of years because I didn't cope very well emotionally. I also felt very distanced from my DH because he wrote off the miscarriage as a 'failed embryo', which was his way of coping. I got furious when people told me 'he is suffering as well' but I think he was - he just wasn't taking my feelings into consideration.

This led to a very bad patch in our relationship. I think it would have helped if I'd realised at the time that we were dealing with a relationship problem as well as the miscarriage.

Benedikte2 · 04/11/2016 11:57

OP how long does your DH want to wait? Is it a fixed period or will he decide when he is ready, meanwhile leaving you to get increasingly anxious that time may be running out?
This needs to be a joint decision at the very least so that you can try to carry on with life knowing it's only X amount of time until you'll start to try again.
I had 4 miscarriages so know the grief involved and am not discounting this factor but I am also aware of the acute anxiety regarding whether one will be able to have a longed for child and I feel this outweighs the other emotional distress.
Good luck

Wdigin2this · 04/11/2016 11:53

I understand his point of view, but I also understand that you find it hard to wait....you really should be finding some sort of compromise together!

SemiNormal · 04/11/2016 11:52

So why is he causing you further distress by making you wait until a time of his choosing? - and what if she wasn't ready to try and conceive again, and he put pressure on her to fall pregnant? would that be okay? for her to have a baby when her heart and soul wasn't into it? I genuinely cannot understand your point of view at all.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 04/11/2016 11:47

Very sorry to hear of your loss

You have both lost your babies, be kind to yourselves

BabyIamAfirework · 04/11/2016 11:43

Hello pinkandwhites

Sorry to hear of your losses 💐

Have you looked in to counselling for you both?

I had 2 miscarriages and they broke DH every bit as much as they did me. Ok my body had the miscarriage so he didn't feel the psychical effect but emotionally he was hurting and seeing my heart break just added to his hurt. We had to take time off ttc after our 2nd loss it was all to much.

You've both lost babies
Your both grieve for them babies

Maybe a little while wouldn't be a bad thing, nothing wrong with giving yourself some time

Coffeegivemecoffee · 04/11/2016 11:38

Morning pinkamdwhites

Firstly I would like to say I am very sorry to hear of your loss 💐

I had 8 miscarriages and it did take its toll on DH, as it did me. In the end we had to stop ttc for a while for the sake of DH mental health really, he just couldn't emotionally cope with it.
We seeked counselling, have you loooked in to this at all? It might be helpful to you both.
We did go on to have 2dc.

You have both lost a baby and that has an emotional effect on your equally

Maybe giving yourself a couple of months of so wouldn't be a bad thing

Fcukthetww · 04/11/2016 11:37

☝🏻 This right here! I sometimes think people comment on these threads just to be contrary.

whattodowiththepoo · 04/11/2016 11:36

Sorry for your loss, I hope you find some comfort in something soon.
Ignore DoinItFine

Pinkandwhite · 04/11/2016 11:33

Thanks for all the wise words here. This is really helping me.

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 04/11/2016 11:33

But he's not supporting her if he's making her wait and it is causing massive pain to her.

3 miscarriages and he has done thus every time.

Not once thought, "OK, fuck it. Let's just see what hapoens if it will make you feel better."

Every time it is her waiting in distress until he feels up to her being pregnant again.

It dors not sound kike support is going both ways.

PurpleDaisies · 04/11/2016 11:32

Is he just a tool to make the baby?

No, she is apparently.

That doesn't even make sense. There's only one tool on this thread...

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