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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a 'thank you' or some recognition..

105 replies

roseroyce · 14/10/2016 15:48

I have a business as a venue stylist and this mainly involves weddings. My sister recently got married at a venue I do fairly regularly, so of course, she asked and, I expected to dress her wedding venue for her (I would have hated any other venue stylist to have done it - it would never have been right as I am a perfectionist at that venue).

She wasn't the easiest of 'clients' albeit it being a small wedding - only 40 guests during the day. If she had been a paying client, the bill rose to over £600. I would normally never have given her a wedding present of £600 and to be fair they didn't expect it to be a wedding present. So it was easy for me to heavily discount the 'bill' and they paid me £350. I had nearly £100 of out of pocket costs, so the 'wedding present' was between £250 and £300.

On the day, I was there dressing the venue at 9.30, got home about 12.30 and she got married at 2.00 - so the day was tight for me to get ready and go back as a guest.

This is where the AIBU comes in - during the speeches my new BIL thanked a friend for coming some distance -100 miles or so (and also only gave a gift of a bag of flower bulbs!) and some relatives who we see fairly regularly having come about 30 miles - so no hassle to them! I, however, didn't get a single mention or thank you.

I didn't say anything on the day because I didn't want to upset anyone, despite being upset myself. I did get a verbal thank you from my sister on the day.

Since they have come back from honeymoon, I have said to my sister that it would have nice to have had a thank you. She said she did, referring to the verbal thank you. I clarified this by saying "it would have been nice to have been mentioned in the actual speech", to which she said that if I had been thanked, then BIL would have had to thank everyone individually for coming. I said I didn't expect to be individually thanked for turning up as a guest, but for all the extra work I had done and been involved in to make the wedding day a success. I told her I was very hurt and disappointed. Then the penny dropped and she apologised, but the hurt had already been done.

It would have helped my business to have had a thank you and recommendation; there has been nothing from either of them on my business Facebook page despite me posting pictures and reference to being a guest at a recent wedding, so no LIKES, no comment, no sharing. I have not had any written thank you for either the 'cash' gift or doing the work - four weeks after the wedding now.

I don't really expect anything now, as to them the whole incident has been forgotten and time has moved on. However, am I being unreasonable to still be feeling hurt and disappointed? It was a huge thing for me to confront my sister about my feelings as I never like conflict and don't like asking for things. Is there anything I can do now or just forget it, despite the feelings of resentment?

OP posts:

GettingMuckyFingersCrossed · 14/10/2016 15:56

I'm sure it was just an oversight
I can see why you're upset though but I think you need to move on
Don't worry about the FB thing , people are weird

Also did they realise they got it so heavily discounted ?

SpotTheDuck · 14/10/2016 15:58

Um.

I think honestly it would have been nice for BIL to thank you, but he prob felt it was obvious they appreciated it, and he may have felt they'd paid for your work (I assume it wasn't clear quite how much you'd discounted). I might have been a little miffed, but ultimately the wedding is a big emotional day and you can't expect him to focus on your mood when there's so much else going on - it prob just didn't occur to him. Your sis has apologised, so I'd move on from that.

If you'd like a recommendation on FB I think you could ask sis to do that - most people who don't run their own businesses wouldn't necessarily think about that unless prompted. Even when I've paid strangers for services recently they've asked me to leave feedback on Facebook so I wouldn't feel awkward about that.

MountainRoute · 14/10/2016 16:26

I agree a proper thank you would have been nice, at least a card and flowers. Are you sure they were happy with the finished venue? Did your sister seem enthusiastic and notice the finer details?

Did they realise the discount was a 'wedding gift' or how much it was? Maybe they felt they'd paid for your services, since they'd paid you several hundred? Did sister assume any extra fee was waived because she was close family, i.e. Family rates rather than a gift?

MrsHathaway · 14/10/2016 16:43

Did they thank the caterers?

It sounds like you did your sister's wedding for publicity and not because you love her and cared about her big day.

Is that how you spoke to her about it?

kissmethere · 14/10/2016 16:48

You need to drop it now I think. Now you're sister knows how you feel that should be the end of it. You're holding a grudge.
It's huge what you did for them but it can't be changed now can it. I can see where you're coming from but it's not worth taking it personally and letting it strain your relationship with your sister.

forburylion · 14/10/2016 16:50

So you charged them £350 to style the venue (whatever that means), they paid you as agreed, and thanked you on the day?

I really don't see the issue here. I guess that they were focused on their day as opposed to building up your business and making it all about you

Somerville · 14/10/2016 17:00

You were thanked by being paid. Just like the photographer, caterer, etc...

If you'd done it for free then you'd have been publically thanked instead.

You may have made less profit than usual but it sounds like you did profit, as they paid you more than your costs?

My sister will be thanked effusively at my wedding, because she's doing the thing she does professionally for free.

Original poster

roseroyce · 14/10/2016 17:30

They asked for an invoice so knew exactly what the discount and gift was. Thank you from clients is not always the money. Everyone has to make a living and I turned down other business for the day. I get a lot of thanks from other clients by way of cards and gifts. I have accepted nothing more will happen now.

OP posts:

Lewwat · 14/10/2016 17:41

Turned down other business for the day?! I hope you did! As it was your sisters wedding day after all

123beanie · 14/10/2016 17:43

...

AlbertaDewdrop · 14/10/2016 18:12

How do you style a venue?

GirlOverboard · 14/10/2016 18:26

Correct me if I'm wrong because the figures are confusing me a bit. But it cost you £250 to dress their wedding venue. Which they reimbursed you for. Then they gave you an extra £100 on top of that for your fee. And you didn't buy them a separate wedding present. So haven't you profited by £100?

If that's right then I'm not sure why you're acting like you're out of pocket. It's hardly a great, charitable act. You were paid for your services and thanked.

Somerville · 14/10/2016 18:26

You wouldn't have been able to accept other work for that day unless you chose earning full whack over attending your sister's wedding, no?

It is a convention (and a sensible one at that) that people are publically thanked at weddings for things they do from the goodness of their heart, but not for things they have been paid for.

TheNaze73 · 14/10/2016 18:33

You were paid?!?!

YABU

ConvincingLiar · 14/10/2016 18:44

Unless it was viable for you to dress another venue in the morning then get to your sister's wedding in good time, you haven't lost out on work. I can see by then paying you, albeit not the market rate, they might have thought of that aspect as a business transaction that wouldn't be recognised in the speeches. It wouldn't have been unreasonable of you to ask if they'd write you a testimonial on Facebook, but I'm not sure how well that would go down now.

Biggles398 · 14/10/2016 18:50

Yes, it would have been nice, but I'm sure it wasn't intentional.
For what it's worth, My OH didn't say anything about Me in his speech and didn't thank anyone - he just took the mick out of my dad. I did a speech and thanked b/maids/parents/groomsmen....

HobnailsandTaffeta · 14/10/2016 18:52

It cost you £100 in actual cash money?

You charged her £350.

So you made £250 from your sisters wedding, and got a thank you and got an apology for your strop?

YABVVVU

You should have done it for free.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/10/2016 18:52

But you've brought it up and she has apologised, surely you need to move past it now?

Re: FB ask her to do a 5* review/share some pics promoting your business. She probably hasn't thought about that aspect.

I can understand you being miffed, but she has apologised.

witsender · 14/10/2016 18:56

I wouldn't be putting a monetary value on this...they paid you 350 and you only had 100 expenses. So yes, at market rate it may have cost more but you made money on 'styling' your sister's wedding...something that many people wouldn't charge for. So really, whilst I would ask for something for your Facebook I wouldn't be upset at the lack of public apology. You profited on your sister's wedding!

5moreminutes · 14/10/2016 19:01

What did you dress the wedding in for £600 discounted to £350? Gold plated orchids?

Doesn't dressing a venue mean doing the flowers and perhaps table decorations for the reception?

Perhaps she was stunned and non plussed to discover that would normally cost so much? I know I would have been...

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 14/10/2016 19:03

You made a small profit, by charging ur sister more than ur costs, and didn't give any other gift. Everyone else who was there as a guest couldn't earn money that day, so I don't think the 'turning down other work' for that day is relevant, that's what u do to attend a family event. I know u feel u weren't appreciated enough, but there r 2 sides to this - I could imagine a thread from ur sister saying 'my sister made a profit dressing my wedding venue - AIBU to have expected a gift, or to be charged only the cost?'.

AyeAmarok · 14/10/2016 19:04

YABU.

You turned down paid work on the day that you wouldn't have been able to do anyway, what with it clashing with your sister's wedding and all.

You're making this all about you.

I'm surprised you charged her £350 to be honest.

RhiWrites · 14/10/2016 19:04

You sound a bit high maintenance. You wanted to style the venue, you said no one else could meet your standard for it. You did put in a morning of labour and bought decorations but she paid you for your time and the decorations at a mate's rate.

Most people would expect to pitch in for a sister's wedding, we were around all morning at my sister's wedding doing jobs.

You have pictures for your portfolio, you got a thank you in person. Maybe it would have been nice to get a special mention in the speech too but it wasn't intended as a slight.

I think you need to realise it's not about you.

AllotmentyPlenty · 14/10/2016 19:10

Most sisters would just charge costs? I think you should have only charged her your out-of-pocket expenses (£100), then you would deserve thanks in the speeches.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 14/10/2016 19:17

I can't believe you charged her. Expenses is one thing but you actually charged her. And she was still nice enough to thank you and you're still moaning. YABVU

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