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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect a 'thank you' or some recognition..

105 replies

roseroyce · 14/10/2016 15:48

I have a business as a venue stylist and this mainly involves weddings. My sister recently got married at a venue I do fairly regularly, so of course, she asked and, I expected to dress her wedding venue for her (I would have hated any other venue stylist to have done it - it would never have been right as I am a perfectionist at that venue).

She wasn't the easiest of 'clients' albeit it being a small wedding - only 40 guests during the day. If she had been a paying client, the bill rose to over £600. I would normally never have given her a wedding present of £600 and to be fair they didn't expect it to be a wedding present. So it was easy for me to heavily discount the 'bill' and they paid me £350. I had nearly £100 of out of pocket costs, so the 'wedding present' was between £250 and £300.

On the day, I was there dressing the venue at 9.30, got home about 12.30 and she got married at 2.00 - so the day was tight for me to get ready and go back as a guest.

This is where the AIBU comes in - during the speeches my new BIL thanked a friend for coming some distance -100 miles or so (and also only gave a gift of a bag of flower bulbs!) and some relatives who we see fairly regularly having come about 30 miles - so no hassle to them! I, however, didn't get a single mention or thank you.

I didn't say anything on the day because I didn't want to upset anyone, despite being upset myself. I did get a verbal thank you from my sister on the day.

Since they have come back from honeymoon, I have said to my sister that it would have nice to have had a thank you. She said she did, referring to the verbal thank you. I clarified this by saying "it would have been nice to have been mentioned in the actual speech", to which she said that if I had been thanked, then BIL would have had to thank everyone individually for coming. I said I didn't expect to be individually thanked for turning up as a guest, but for all the extra work I had done and been involved in to make the wedding day a success. I told her I was very hurt and disappointed. Then the penny dropped and she apologised, but the hurt had already been done.

It would have helped my business to have had a thank you and recommendation; there has been nothing from either of them on my business Facebook page despite me posting pictures and reference to being a guest at a recent wedding, so no LIKES, no comment, no sharing. I have not had any written thank you for either the 'cash' gift or doing the work - four weeks after the wedding now.

I don't really expect anything now, as to them the whole incident has been forgotten and time has moved on. However, am I being unreasonable to still be feeling hurt and disappointed? It was a huge thing for me to confront my sister about my feelings as I never like conflict and don't like asking for things. Is there anything I can do now or just forget it, despite the feelings of resentment?

OP posts:
anaemicenglishtea · 14/10/2016 19:19

This very thing happened at my dh niece's wedding. They practically thanked everybody they could think off. The groom left out important people that raised eye brows. The brides beloved nun ( who had passed away but been there for her since child hood) the stepfather to the groom who was seated at the high table ( everyone got a present for helping but him, that looked awkward ). The biggest one that sent tongues wagging was the woman who did all the work that helped the day run smoothly. All the little flower girls and page boys got gifts for just being there Grinthey got their priorities wrong. So did your sister and her husband.

I think your sister lacks manners and took you for granted.

monkey1978 · 14/10/2016 19:19

I can't believe you expected to be thanked in his speech when you actually charged her for what you did. I have two sisters and I would never even think to charge them if I decorated a room for them for their wedding.

Fanfeck · 14/10/2016 19:21

YABVU

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/10/2016 19:24

I would have hated any other venue stylist to have done it - it would never have been right as I am a perfectionist at that venue

Get your head out your bloody arse...I'm sure somebody else could've met your high standards AND been less bloody high maintenance about it

Backt0Black · 14/10/2016 19:25

This is why I hate weddings. Everybody needs their feelings 'managed'.

Mitfordhons · 14/10/2016 19:28

It cost you £100 in materials and you charged £350. You didn't lose work because it was the day of your sisters wedding. I think a gift would have been if you'd swallowed the £100 costs and not charged them, you didn't so I'm no surprised you didn't get a special thank you. I'd have felt a bit miffed if I were your sister.

My sister and I do loads for each other's weddings and in both cases we didn't ask for costs back It's what sisters do.

MatildaTheCat · 14/10/2016 19:35

I can't believe you asked your sister about this after her wedding. What on earth could that achieve other than cast a little shadow on her wedding day? Really selfish and mean IMO.

You would not have been unreasonable to have asked her to write something on your FB page but that ship has sailed and you've spoiled her memory now. She won't look back on what you did with gratitude or fondness, she'll feel annoyed and resentful that you've tried to make her feel bad. FFS, she didn't even make the speech in which you were so grievously excluded.

MistressMerryWeather · 14/10/2016 19:37

Wow, if I were your BIL I would be seething after hearing this.

YABVVVU. You were thanked by your sister and now you have made her feel shit to the point where she has had to apologise for nothing because her thanks wasn't public enough for you.

Incredibly selfish. She's your sister - A personal thank you and her happiness should be more important than a speech.

stitchglitched · 14/10/2016 19:42

What should they have said? If they had thanked you for your effort in decorating the venue then the guests would assume you had done it for free which I can imagine would rankle since they paid you hundreds of pounds.

If they had thanked you for decorating the venue at a discounted cost then the guests would think you were really tight for charging your sister anything.

Maybe just be glad you made money out of your sister's wedding day and leave it at that.

woowoowoo · 14/10/2016 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taggies · 14/10/2016 19:47

YABVU. And grabby. Hmm

You did your job, got paid for it and were thanked.

Don't embarrass yourself further by making it any more of an issue than you already have.

starsinyourpies · 14/10/2016 19:47

You still made money out of your sister's wedding day! I make cakes and did one for my sister, cost a fortune in ingredients but obviously I did it for free as it was a contribution to the day, also spent 2 days helping get everything ready including taking holiday from work. Then I bought them a gift because I love them and could afford to. That is what family do!

Alorsmum · 14/10/2016 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagikarpetRide · 14/10/2016 19:53

Oh god, this is going to turn into another maths explanation thread isn't it?

From what I can read:
The op would have normally charged £600, she only charged £350 which left her £100 out of pocket on costs alone, let alone the charge for her time. The £250 is the difference between the normal rate and the discount, the £350 includes the £100 she is out of pocket.

Yanbu to be upset. Isn't it the etiquette to thank family and friends who help out, regardless of whether they've provided a reduced fee service?

Discobabe · 14/10/2016 19:57

It's not your sisters fault your bil didn't thank you in his speech. Why don't you take it up with him?

Your sister did thank you, so it's not like she was un-appreciative. Although if it had been my sister I wouldn't dream of charging anything on top of actual costs.

HobnailsandTaffeta · 14/10/2016 19:58

Magik nope didn't need a maths lesson thanks Hmm I for one was clear in actual materials cost she spent £100 then charged her sister £250 for her time.

That's properly twatty without loading the phenomenal strop on top of it!

MarchEliza2 · 14/10/2016 19:59

I read it that the OP's costs were £100, she charged £350 and would normally charge £600 - therefore the 'gift' was the difference between the £350 she charged and the £600 she would normally charge. So as many have already gathered, she made a profit on her sister's wedding and is now complaining about it. Apologies OP if that understanding is incorrect.

What does a 'wedding venue stylist' do for £600 at such a small wedding (40 people)? Blow up balloons? Put covers on chairs? I presume the floristry doesn't come into it?

Anyway - I wonder if your DS and BIL even know you gave them a discount. Maybe that's why you have not received the desired level of thanks.

For the first time I'm tempted to ask - is this a reverse??

instantly · 14/10/2016 19:59

I think YABU

Your only cost was anything you actually paid out or bought to "style the venue" .

You couldn't have accepted other work because you were unavailable due to attending your sisters wedding.

You charged them £350!

I wouldn't think of charging my family anything for helping them out on their wedding day.

You are being way over sensitive.

MagikarpetRide · 14/10/2016 20:01

I had nearly £100 of out of pocket costs

Out of pocket costs. Not complete costs.

SheSparkles · 14/10/2016 20:03

It would have helped my business to have had a thank you and recommendation; there has been nothing from either of them on my business Facebook page despite me posting pictures and reference to being a guest at a recent wedding, so no LIKES, no comment, no sharing.

So it's not the lack of thanks, it's the lack of free advertising. How crass

HmmmmBop · 14/10/2016 20:07

WTF is dressing the venue? How can it possibly be worth £600?

OP you sound very self involved. It's her wedding, she said thank you, if you want a testimonial just ask.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 14/10/2016 20:14

I am amused at the OP expecting a specific thank you in the groom's speech when she had charged for the "service" she insisted on providing! Priceless.

taggies · 14/10/2016 20:16

march

I normally HATE the 'Is this a reverse?' bleating but in this case I was also wondering that.

BaggyCheeks · 14/10/2016 20:20

If the OP charged £350, and had £100 out of pocket costs, that suggests what she did cost £450. So the OP's contribution was £100 plus absorbing the £250 difference from the usual £600 charge (presumably the charge for her time/expertise etc).

icelollycraving · 14/10/2016 20:22

Yabu. You charged your sister Shock.

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