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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 'thank you' or some recognition..

105 replies

roseroyce · 14/10/2016 15:48

I have a business as a venue stylist and this mainly involves weddings. My sister recently got married at a venue I do fairly regularly, so of course, she asked and, I expected to dress her wedding venue for her (I would have hated any other venue stylist to have done it - it would never have been right as I am a perfectionist at that venue).

She wasn't the easiest of 'clients' albeit it being a small wedding - only 40 guests during the day. If she had been a paying client, the bill rose to over £600. I would normally never have given her a wedding present of £600 and to be fair they didn't expect it to be a wedding present. So it was easy for me to heavily discount the 'bill' and they paid me £350. I had nearly £100 of out of pocket costs, so the 'wedding present' was between £250 and £300.

On the day, I was there dressing the venue at 9.30, got home about 12.30 and she got married at 2.00 - so the day was tight for me to get ready and go back as a guest.

This is where the AIBU comes in - during the speeches my new BIL thanked a friend for coming some distance -100 miles or so (and also only gave a gift of a bag of flower bulbs!) and some relatives who we see fairly regularly having come about 30 miles - so no hassle to them! I, however, didn't get a single mention or thank you.

I didn't say anything on the day because I didn't want to upset anyone, despite being upset myself. I did get a verbal thank you from my sister on the day.

Since they have come back from honeymoon, I have said to my sister that it would have nice to have had a thank you. She said she did, referring to the verbal thank you. I clarified this by saying "it would have been nice to have been mentioned in the actual speech", to which she said that if I had been thanked, then BIL would have had to thank everyone individually for coming. I said I didn't expect to be individually thanked for turning up as a guest, but for all the extra work I had done and been involved in to make the wedding day a success. I told her I was very hurt and disappointed. Then the penny dropped and she apologised, but the hurt had already been done.

It would have helped my business to have had a thank you and recommendation; there has been nothing from either of them on my business Facebook page despite me posting pictures and reference to being a guest at a recent wedding, so no LIKES, no comment, no sharing. I have not had any written thank you for either the 'cash' gift or doing the work - four weeks after the wedding now.

I don't really expect anything now, as to them the whole incident has been forgotten and time has moved on. However, am I being unreasonable to still be feeling hurt and disappointed? It was a huge thing for me to confront my sister about my feelings as I never like conflict and don't like asking for things. Is there anything I can do now or just forget it, despite the feelings of resentment?

OP posts:
mummymummums · 14/10/2016 20:29

Yabu - you did not get your sister a gift and made £250 out of her wedding. If I was close to my sister I'd have given the £100 expenses as a 'gift' and given my time for free. I'm assuming you're not close, but you actually made money here yet didn't buy a present! You didn't lose any other business because you couldn't have worked on your sister 'a wedding day I'd think. And you want thanking and free advertising? Right .....

forburylion · 14/10/2016 22:05

To be fair though the OP did do a lovely job of dressing the venue

To expect a 'thank you' or some recognition..
foxessocks · 14/10/2016 22:22

I'm confused! I think yabu but the figures did confuse me...

AmeliaJack · 14/10/2016 22:35

Actually I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

My DH thanked my sister in his wedding speech and she pretty much just turned up, wore a pretty dress and handed out favours.

At my DH's 40th we publicly thanked a friend who made his cake. She did charge us, at "mates rates" but we left a pile of her business cards by the cake (our idea) and also posted a review on her business page.

The OP is right, she should have been thanked.

Time to move on now OP, your sis apologised. Sometimes things get missed at weddings, it's disappointing but it happens.

StormStrike · 14/10/2016 22:45

Is this a reverse?

If not, is it real?

If not, 😱😱😱😱

LucyLot · 14/10/2016 22:50

I actually think YABU here.

Firstly she's your sister and it's her wedding. I don't think you should have been doing this in order to promote your business it should have been a gesture of love only. Unless you discussed beforehand what you expected to get in return for doing this you are unreasonable to sulk and be upset about it afterwards.

It would be very unusual to hear a thank you for what you are describing in the speech it's a more unusual form of help and as they still paid you more than 50% the going rate although a lovely gift it doesn't feel overly generous.

She also did thank you on the day.

ShelaghTurner · 14/10/2016 22:59

YANBU. They should have thanked you properly, I've sat through plenty of speeches where people are thanked for much less. My mother made my wedding cake and we thanked her publicly. Should we not have bothered?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/10/2016 23:07

Were the costs £450 and normally you would charge £600 and make £150 for labour and profit?

Or were the costs £100 and normally you would charge £600 and so make £500 for labour and profit?

Big difference.

BackforGood · 14/10/2016 23:26

YABU.
I'm more surprised you charged your sister Shock
When I got married, many people did things for me - you know, becasue they had a talent and they enjoyed contributing something to the wedding day. They were all publically thanked in the speech.
However, people that were paid - ie, people I employed to do a job, were just that - employed and didn't get a 'thanks' in the speech.

TathitiPete · 14/10/2016 23:37

I would also like to respond but I'm afraid I must be thanked upfront. No Facebook testimonial required.

SixthSenseless · 14/10/2016 23:41

Did they thank everyone who gave them a wedding gift ? You say the DISCOUNT was your wedding gift.

You can't have it every which way. You charged them (no way would I have charged my sister for contributing to her wedding ) , you made it a commercial transaction, apart from the discount which was your wedding gift. And you hoped to use them to promote your business.

Have you asked them to comment on your Fb page?

Well, you have confronted your sister now. Move on. Hopefully she will too, without too much damage done . Stop chewing over it.

Coconutty · 14/10/2016 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsyduck · 15/10/2016 00:12

I have to be honest if it was one of my siblings and I had a Similair business id do it for free . I'd have sat down and picked out the decorations etc and probably asked for the money for the actual stuff / given that for free as a gift depending on how much it came to ( do you not keep / already have decorations gained from previous weddings you have done ?! ) but I wouldn't charge for my time . My cousin ( whis also one of my best friends ) got married abroad last year and I was her chief bridesmaid . We ( me
Dp and dc ) spent a week abroad to attend so - hotel, flights, spending money. booking annual leave from work ... etc etc plus new outfits and wedding present. Didn't begrudge it at all, she would do the same for me and did make a Similair trip for my last significant birthday . So as a sister I wouldn't find it unreasonable to go that extra mile and have done what you did for free. Just so I don't appear as some kind of martyr out of touch with trying to run a company , I have friends with their own businesses . 2 specifically - a photographer and cake maker who have both offered their services for free at weddings of family and very close friends as a gift

Also , she did thank you !!

Imagine this aibu the other way ...

" my sister owns a wedding venue dressing company , she offered to do my wedding as she is familiar with the venue and has existing contacts / decorations she can make use off anyway. she actually charged me for this service which I thought A bit tight I think but fair enough, so I thanked her in person but she isn't happy and is making me feel guilty for my dh not thanking her in the speeches "

JoJoSM2 · 15/10/2016 01:04

I'm beyond shocked that you extracted 250-300 out of your sister on her wedding day and expected to thanked?! When she has children and you go to visit her and play with them for an hour + give them a lollipop, will she get a bill for discounted babysitting?

Peach9876 · 15/10/2016 01:46

I read the costs as OP spent charged 350, and was still 100 out of pocket, so costs she paid pre-charging her sister was 450. With OP would come back and clarify that.
If costs were 100 and she normally charges 500 extra for normal clients I think there are more issues then siblings falling out. No wonder weddings are so expensive!
But depending on her finances I think 100 is reasonable as a wedding gift, she shouldn't make profit from her sisters wedding.

quicklydecides · 15/10/2016 02:14

Op, any thoughts?

bippitybopityboo · 15/10/2016 02:23

Honestly had this been my DSis and my business I'd have done it for free! Bearing in mind it didn't cost alot to style my own wedding venue and it looked lovely Confused

MagicChanges · 15/10/2016 02:40

I'm totally confused about the figures and it's time I was in bed but please can someone tell me how you style a venue at a cost of £600 for non relatives. Like others I can't believe she charged her sister at all - never mind the discount!

Somersetlady · 15/10/2016 02:50

I think most people would help out their sister in anwau possible on her wedding day and the lead up to it and not worry about how they were thanked.
She thanked you and therefore apprciated it.
It wasn technically a gift as they paid for it. If i am ready your post correctly (am up feeding so accept brain might not be quite firing) you paid out £100 but charged them £350? Thats £250 too much at least as you expect to be thanked for profiting from your sisters big day and then want thanking in the speeches for it.

If i read it the other way your wedding present value was in fact £100. The other amout that 'makes up the difference' is surely time you would have been willing to give to your sister anyway and not expect to be paid for???

As for the facebook likes just ask your sister to do it now.

You dont seem to have a very good relationship with your sister and this is leading you to being unreasonable imo.

MimiSunshine · 15/10/2016 03:11

Dressing the venue?! I'm guessing there were random props around, you know a few vintage suitcases piled up in a corner. A shabby chic chair with a throw draped on it and a photo frame with love or some such thing written on it. Oh and mismatched vintage crockery stacked up with a flower in the cup and / or small medicine bottles on tables with flowers in.

It sounds like you've focuses quite heavily on the decorating of the venue. Perhaps thought after a thank you in the speech that other guests might approach you to say how wonderful it all looks and ask about your business.

It would have been nice to have been thanked (although I bet the caterers and photographer also received the sane private rather than public thanks).

However it sounds like the groom was quite rightly not so focused on the dressing of the venue, probably didn't really give it much thought and just thought it looked nice for the 30seconds he properly looked at it and then carried on with his wedding day.

You should have asked them to put a review on your business page if it was important to you and not everyone thinks to do that. Just because you get cards and gifts from other clients doesn't mean you are owed it, I don't do that for every small start up I use. I've paid them that should be enough.

RosieSW · 15/10/2016 04:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/10/2016 05:23

Absolutely unbelievable!

You are so fucking unreasonable I don't even know where to start!

Get over yourself OP and apologise to your sister for being so ridiculously rude!

Starryeyed16 · 15/10/2016 05:35

I don't think op is coming back

Oblomov16 · 15/10/2016 05:57

No surprise there then! Hmm

Catwaving · 15/10/2016 06:09

You usually charge £600 to 'style' a tiny wedding, with a £500 gross profit.....and that's just for your time so it's pretty much net profit (less a few phone calls and a bit of petrol)

Bloody hell

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