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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose cats over 'D'H?

85 replies

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 15:26

My DH wants to emigrate. Has been on about it for a while.

I'm not totally anti leaving the UK but the countries that would welcome his employment are more limited for me and vice versa so it's a bit of a stalemate.

His next master plan was wanting to buy a house abroad so as part of this he has announced he wants the cats to be rehomed . He's said this before and I end up crying so he relents and says we/I can keep the cats.

I see it so differently, you might as well ask me to rehome my son! They are the family.

If DH really is adamant he wants this then I don't want to stay with him. But then breaking up my family because of cats seems crazy.

OP posts:
Owllady · 13/10/2016 15:28

You will get loads of you are crazy posts but they are obviously really important to you :( and I would never want to rehome my dog either!

MorriH · 13/10/2016 15:29

We are looking to emigrate next year - DH initially said he didn't want to take the (2) cats. I made it clear that leaving them isn't an option - it's not cheap to take them but nothing is!

Where is he wanting to go? Is there anything that would stop you from taking them too?

LindyHemming · 13/10/2016 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badgoushk · 13/10/2016 15:30

Can't the cats come too?

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/10/2016 15:33

Why can't you take them with you? It will cost a bit but surely the extra price is worth it?

Original poster
mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 15:33

I think they could come with us but it obviously makes things harder to negotiate. Plus he keeps saying that they eat too much.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 13/10/2016 15:34

I can understand your attachment to your cats but one would normally expect that you would choose your DH over them. If you seriously feel that you should/could break up over this perhaps it is the wrong relationship for you or a symptom of deeper issues which you either need to address or put up with. Is there no middle way? Is it totally impossible to take the cats with you? Would you feel better if you got other cats in the new country? Could you rehome the cats to people you know so that you could keep in some kind of contact? Otherwise I wonder whether the cat thing is a reason you are giving (however subconsciously) to cover the initial issues you have with the employment thing which you mention first.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/10/2016 15:36

Sounds like your DH just wants an excuse to get rid of them, TBH. Did he want cats in the first place?

Soubriquet · 13/10/2016 15:36

No way would I rehome my cat because Dh wanted to emigrate

Yanbu OP

I wouldn't want to go anyway

BlueKarou · 13/10/2016 15:38

Not a chance I would leave any of my pets behind. Either they go with, and the cost be factored in to the cost of moving, or the move does not happen. YANBU.

Thecatmademedoit · 13/10/2016 15:53

They eat too much ?! 😂

OP you are not being unreasonable, I couldn't leave my cat behind either.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/10/2016 15:56

YANBU. No way would I leave my cat behind.

I agree with a PP who said it sounds as though he's looking for an excuse to get rid of them.

Arfarfanarf · 13/10/2016 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peach9876 · 13/10/2016 16:00

Plenty of people see animals as disposable and it sounds like your DH is one of them. I myself don't get it.
When I take on a pet I take that responsibility seriously. I would only give them up if it was for their benefit. Pretty much as I would with a child. I wouldn't risk them living on the streets if I didn't have a home.

But asking for them to be rehomed because they eat too much... just doesn't sit right. I personally (as a complete animal lover, haven't not had an animal since I was a toddler) couldn't be with someone who could disregard one of my pets in that way.
Seen as though rescues are always full to the brim of every type of pet my way of thinking clearly isn't the only option. But you sound more like me than like someone willing to give up their cats because they don't match the furniture.

Even regardless of the cats, it seems to me that DH isn't very supportive of your feelings. If you didn't want to move because of x,y and z and would still say you aren't being unreasonable. Your feelings are yours, whether he thinks they are justified or not.

Wolfiefan · 13/10/2016 16:02

They eat too much? How many do you have?! Or maybe you mean big cats?
He's an arse. He wants to completely change your life to exactly what he wants with no consideration of how you feel. Tell him he can go and you might visit! Shock

sianihedgehog · 13/10/2016 16:06

This isn't about the cats. It's about your "d"h being unwilling to make decisions as a family, or to commit to the cats as family. I bet him saying that makes you feel like you could just be got rid of, too, if you were inconvenient.

Would he emigrate to somewhere of your choosing? I doubt it. He wants to make all the decisions and is treating you like chattel, not a partner.

icanteven · 13/10/2016 16:07

I know it's not much help now, but this is why we don't have pets. We have a house in another country, and when we met we knew that we wanted a fairly mobile, "light" life, where we could move to different countries more or less at will. Part of this was packing my cat off to (a WAY better life living with) my aunt down the country - 10 years later, the cat is still going strong and has a wonderful, fat, sunshiny life.

I think YABU not to consider rehoming the cats. Is there anyone in your family would would take them, or is even that too much?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 13/10/2016 16:11

Did you buy these animals before you met him?

I loathe, hate and detest cats. And I'm madly allergic and scared to them.

However, in the situation described, I'd happily choose the cats over the husband.

Longdistance · 13/10/2016 16:11

Rehome your 'd'h?

neonrainbow · 13/10/2016 16:11

What are they, tigers? Hmm how can they eat too much!?

He's trying to get rid of them to remove one of your reasons not to emigrate.

Original poster
mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 16:13

I don't have anyone in my family. One brother but I can't really let him have the cats - he might be going to prison in any case.

We got the cats when we moved in together but it was me who wanted them.

OP posts:
Catinthecorner · 13/10/2016 16:13

Having cats won't make things hard to negotiate.

Do you have any say in this house he is buying (presumably with family money)?
Do you agree on which country?
Do either of you have a job there? Right to work? Right to reside?

CoughingForWeeks · 13/10/2016 16:16

I've had my cat for well over a decade, no way would I rehome him to move, whether in this country or abroad. If I couldn't take him, I wouldn't go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/10/2016 16:17

I'd take the cats too, tbh.

KC225 · 13/10/2016 16:18

We moved from London to Sweden in 2014 and took our 3 cats with us. The poor things had to endure two flights and a two hour car journey but they were fine and have settled in really well. The above poster was right, it is not difficult but nor is it cheap. However, if you factor it into the general move, it ends up being just another cost.

I do think the other posters are right in that your husband sounds if he wants to get rid of them. To hold this as a threat over your head will make you resentful. I think it's a cruel way to behave knowing how much the cats mean to you.

If he has mentioned emigrating before and it hasn't happened how serious is he? It's quite a long process. Are you sure it's not just a pipe dream.

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