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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose cats over 'D'H?

85 replies

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 15:26

My DH wants to emigrate. Has been on about it for a while.

I'm not totally anti leaving the UK but the countries that would welcome his employment are more limited for me and vice versa so it's a bit of a stalemate.

His next master plan was wanting to buy a house abroad so as part of this he has announced he wants the cats to be rehomed . He's said this before and I end up crying so he relents and says we/I can keep the cats.

I see it so differently, you might as well ask me to rehome my son! They are the family.

If DH really is adamant he wants this then I don't want to stay with him. But then breaking up my family because of cats seems crazy.

OP posts:
Threetoedsloth · 13/10/2016 16:20

Deal breaker for me. I'd not have married my husband had it not been for the fact that he loves animals just as much as I do. For us, it has meant we don't do the long haul, three month trekking in Nepal type holidays he used to love, but hey I told him pretty much the day we met that there was no way on this earth or Fuller's earth he was getting me on a trip like that. (I'm not a great fan of holidays, truth be told) We're currently debating a 3 week cruise, but the condition is that a close friend will come and stay here to look after the cats and the alpacas.
I feel for you, I really do. It isn't really about the cats is it? (they cost too much to feed- WTF?) It's more about the intent behind his words and actions and the fact that the way he's behaving strikes at the very foundation of your relationship.

imjessie · 13/10/2016 16:21

My dh has wanted us to live in the US for years ( he works for an American company And is there all the time ) I don't want to go and there is no way I would rehome my cats . They would have to come with us but one of them is old and probably wouldn't survive the journey so I am staying ( for now anyways )

BestZebbie · 13/10/2016 16:21

If emigrating would be perfect to improve life for both of you in every way and the only sticking point was the cats, I'd see why it would be reasonable to at least consider rehoming them (if you couldn't afford to take them with you).

If moving would benefit your DH a bit, but at the expense of everyone else, including you and also the cats, I'm not seeing that a really convincing argument has been made for the proposed relocation.

I think that it is relevant that your DH agreed to take on the cats when you first got them - if you were married (or engaged) at that point then the cats are a family responsibility that was taken on by him as well, even if the arrangement was that you'd feed them more or whatever day-to-day. It is not a great reflection on his character that he doesn't understand that, or worse, he does understand but places no value on his past arrangement.

Atenco · 13/10/2016 16:23

Do you have any children?

CruCru · 13/10/2016 16:26

The cats are a bit of a red herring. You are not totally anti leaving the UK - if you are going to move to another country, you should be wildly passionate about it. Moving abroad (possibly a long way away) is incredibly disruptive and stressful - you need to be enthusiastic about this from the outset.

From the wording of the OP, it sounds as though you are being railroaded into a move abroad. You haven't said how old you are but bear in mind that your husband is probably expecting that house abroad to be the one you retire to.

Either he wants to remove obstacles from moving abroad or he just plain doesn't like the cats as much as you do.

Out of interest, why is he so keen to leave the UK? What is it about your life here that he doesn't like?

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/10/2016 16:28

It's not about the cats, it's about control & how much he can manipulate you into doing things against your will.

Plus he's acting like a man child which is never attractive.

BowieFan · 13/10/2016 16:29

I wouldn't be with DP if he didn't see animals as part of the family. Although that's probably why we have cats, dogs, chickens, a rabbit, a gay rooster and a parrot

iPost · 13/10/2016 16:30

Cats are the least of your concern.

This is a person who could potentially trap you abroad by refusing you permission to leave with any children you are both parents to.

He doesn't seem able or willing to adjust his choices to take into account other people's priorities. Which would concern me. To the point of not considering emigrating with him.

Dozer · 13/10/2016 16:31

Agree that the cats are a red herring.

Do you actually want to live abroad, or own a property abroad with regular trips? I wouldn't, especially with DC, and nor would lots of people.

If your H staying in the relationship/being nice to you is contingent on you agreeing to do those huge things I'd suggest considering ending the relationship.

Memoires · 13/10/2016 16:34

Absolutely agree with Fluffy. In your situation, I'd choose the cats. He is in a power struggle with them and trying make you choose between him and them without you noticing; he is trying to manipulate you into believing that they are more trouble than they're worth by saying things like they eat too much etc.

It's a thoroughly dishonest way of conducting any sort of relationship. When you have children, if you don't already, he will try it with them too.

Don't emigrate with him. You are isolated enough as it is.

GabsAlot · 13/10/2016 16:36

eat too much like what?

i wouldnt give up my cat for anyone and yes that includes my dh

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 13/10/2016 16:48

The man is clearly deranged.

Original poster
mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 16:50

Yes, we have one child. It's difficult to know how I feel about emigrating, it feels like a fresh start (which I need) but at the same time I just am a bit uncertain. Scared of the Unknown, I think.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2016 18:13

Let's leave the cats out of this, because it's pretty obvious that there's something bigger going on.

Emigration.

You're not sure about it.
You say it "feels like a fresh start (which I need)" - why do you need a fresh start? And can you get a fresh start in this country?
You say some countries would be better for his work, others for yours. To me, that means you're moving FROM rather than moving TO - because if you were moving TO you'd know where you wanted to move to, because the whole point of moving would be to be THERE. Not just any old THERE but that one specific THERE.

I think there's a whole lot more talking and deciding to be done before the practicalities of the cats are considered.

(And he's being ridiculous about them eating too much.)

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/10/2016 18:17

You take your problems with you though.

6cats3gingerkittens · 13/10/2016 18:30

Pack him off by himself, permanently. Point out that he would be vastly more mobile without any encumbrances at all. No family,pets or household items. He sounds a selfish git.

LunaLoveg00d · 13/10/2016 18:31

If you are putting animals before your husband there is something VERY wrong with your marriage.

TheNaze73 · 13/10/2016 18:35

I think you should let him go alone. Your language "he's been on about it" suggests you're not really in it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/10/2016 18:40

its the principle luna. The cats are a test.

Op will be fucked if she's abroad and can't get her and the child back to the uk.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/10/2016 18:51

My sister emigrated to Oz and took her 4 cats with her. It cost a fortune, but there was no way she was leaving them behind.

Dozer · 13/10/2016 18:54

Don't plan to go to any country where, should you want to return with your DC without your H, you wouldn't be allowed to.

DontMindMe1 · 13/10/2016 19:14

If you are putting animals before your husband there is something VERY wrong with your marriage

Really? Hmm

The 'D'H has unilaterally decided that moving abroad is the next step - whether he does that by stealth (buying a house) or directly by getting a job there. OP's needs are not considered at all.

This isn't about that cats or them eating too much - i've no doubt you would have pets no matter where you lived...and anyway, if a human ate cat portions they'd be classed as having an eating disorder!

the countries that would welcome his employment are more limited for me and vice versa so it's a bit of a stalemate
And THIS is what is issue is....and should be the prevailing factor in moving abroad.

OP would be in a very vulnerable position if she were not able to get employment
She would be restricted in her rights and options should things fail and she wants to return home with her child.

And if this rail roading is his idea of breaking free of the marriage then who's to say he wouldn't leave op high and dry - in the middle of nowhere, with no finances and no support and fully dependent on him?

I would not be moving to a country where i could not be employed/would be hard
I certainly wouldn't be taking my child to a country where i had no autonomy in the personal, financial or legal sense.

Original poster
mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 19:22

Thanks for answers. It's more that it's his way or th highway sort of thing. I just don't know if I'm ready to leave the UK. But I don't have anything keeping me here, apart from the cats I suppose :)

OP posts:
DoJo · 13/10/2016 19:23

Odd- I read Luna's comment as basically agreeing with everyone else! That the cats aren't the issue, the marriage is...

Blackfellpony · 13/10/2016 19:29

I couldn't be with someone like this.

It's not really about the cats is it? It's a control thing.

My DH would do anything to make me happy and if it meant shipping all 4 of our pets across the world then he would do it without question. We see ours as family though not disposable or a 'tie'