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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To choose cats over 'D'H?

85 replies

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 15:26

My DH wants to emigrate. Has been on about it for a while.

I'm not totally anti leaving the UK but the countries that would welcome his employment are more limited for me and vice versa so it's a bit of a stalemate.

His next master plan was wanting to buy a house abroad so as part of this he has announced he wants the cats to be rehomed . He's said this before and I end up crying so he relents and says we/I can keep the cats.

I see it so differently, you might as well ask me to rehome my son! They are the family.

If DH really is adamant he wants this then I don't want to stay with him. But then breaking up my family because of cats seems crazy.

OP posts:
carmenta · 13/10/2016 19:29

My parents moved city (over 500 miles) when I was in primary school. Mum didn't want to go, dad pretty much said he was going regardless. I only found out recently how close they came to divorce as a result, and it's one of a few reasons why I no longer speak to my dad - the idea that he was considering leaving my unemployed SAH mother and two very small kids because of something that benefited only him is appalling. The fact that he forced mum into it (in the end we moved) is possibly worse.

OP, do whatever you have to do in order to be damn sure you want to go for you and that the whole family will benefit. And yes, I would take the cats in your position!

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 19:58

I would never forgive myself if we left them. It's stupid though, he doesn't even know where he wants to live yet. I wouldn't put it past him to just get a job first and talk about it later though.

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 13/10/2016 20:10

well if it's 'his way or the highway'.....then i'd be telling him to take the highway cos i'm not going anywhere with someone with an attitude like that.

what does he think you are - a brood mare who does as she's told?

3Eggses · 13/10/2016 20:24

YADNBU. I'm the same. We aquired our cats in the country we emigrated to. They are both rescues and they are with me til the end. We won't stay where we are forever and when we start looking at leaving, I won't go anywhere the cats can't go. DP knows I am quite serious about this.

Where are you looking at moving to? It should be fairly simple to take cats pretty much anywhere, especially from the UK. We have rabies where I am currently so quarantine is required for the beasts if we move somewhere without it.

Don't up and leave if you don't want to though. You both need to be happy with the decision. If he does just go and get a job then tell him he's welcome to fuck off. He sounds rather selfish.

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 20:26

Sometimes I think he does think just that, sadly, Dont

OP posts:
Twinchaos1 · 13/10/2016 20:36

We moved abroad for a couple of years and took our cat to the other side of the world. We picked up a dog and brought both of them back. We are thinking about going away again next year, pets are part of the family so they would come too.

I agree that this isn't really about the pets, moving with pets is perfectly doable.

iPost · 13/10/2016 20:49

I wouldn't put it past him to just get a job first and talk about it later though.

As long as that sort of habitual, unilateral decision making happens when you are in your home country, you have a decent raft of choices when dealing with the ramifications of them.

Not so much when you are overseas.

I have known a lot of trapped women who were stuck, miserable where they were, rendered utterly powerless within their marriage, but naturally unwilling to go home without their child/children.

They were the luckier ones.

Others have been forced to leave without their kids when husband takes steps to deny them a visa and/or, the right to work, while refusing to pay spousal support.

Just how bad it can get depends on where you go. But anywhere you go (with somebody who has a habit of unilateral decision making and a tendency to overlook his partner's priorities) can be less A Fresh Start and more Same Shit Wherever We Go except now the power balance is tipped so heavily in his favour that I am pretty much fucked.

I have lived overseas for nearly three decades. I have a child I can't move back home with. Cos... over DH's cold dead body would he let me walz off back to Britain with him. Which is OK, cos DH and I have an equitable relationship and I want to live here, not back home.

But even I will sigh a deep sigh of relief in 2 years time when DS becomes an adult and I don't have hanging over me the knowledge that like it, or lump, I have to stay here if I want to be with my kid. That can be an arsehole of a concept to live with even when your husband's very considerate most of the time, he understands the things that matter to you and doesn't dismiss them as mere irritations to be swept aside post haste if they don't float his boat.

In your shoes, I'd think an awful lot harder about what going overseas could take away from you, rather than focusing on what it might offer.

maisiejones · 13/10/2016 20:53

Seriously? I'd rehome the husband.

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 20:56

That's very true, and very chilling.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 13/10/2016 21:49

When my mum is moving over here she'll be bringing her cats, also we'll go there for a couple of months so we'll take out cat. From the UK to another EU country it will be well under £200, probably between £120- £150, not a massive cost considering.

I would be very weary of moving with someone like that, especially as you'll be isolated which is hard even with an understanding partner. Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

Amethyst81 · 13/10/2016 22:05

I can understand you wanting to keep your cats, but it sounds like you don't want to emigrate and that's OK. Couples should only emigrate if both parties are happy with it, its not fair if you feel rail roaded into this. Personally I would refuse to go and that means the cats stay too, don't feel it all has to be his way.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 13/10/2016 22:10

My ex hated my dog.
A dogs is for life.

Husbands are replaceable.
Remarried and dh loves my dog!!
Love me love my dog
Or fuck off!!

Wolfiefan · 13/10/2016 22:13

This is soooo not about the cats or what they do or don't eat.
He wants total control.
He wants to take you from everything that is familiar and remove you from your support network. (does he have form for trying to isolate you?!)
He wants to remove something you love why? As they cost a few quid? Take attention from him?
He sounds massively controlling. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide where you will all live.
His way or the highway? Bye then. Shock

Vulty · 13/10/2016 23:38

Plus he keeps saying that they eat too much.

I bet he eats too much!

Fuck it, just be this woman.

To choose cats over 'D'H?
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/10/2016 07:33

iPost's post is very very important - read it many times, until it is seared into your brain.

And then tell him to fuck off and go on his own if that's what he wants to do - you get your new start with being an independent agent, AND get to keep the cats! WIN!

BertrandRussell · 14/10/2016 07:36

Not entirely relevant, but I think that people who subject animals to journeys between continents and quarantine are incredibly cruel.

Lweji · 14/10/2016 07:37

Rehome the husband.

He seems flaky in his plans to emigrate and quite frankly, pushing it with you.
Don't go unless you can easily go back and you don't lose financial independence.
If you have children think that after a few years, they'd be considered residents.

The cats are the least of your problems, it seems.

CatMom75 · 14/10/2016 07:50

They eat too much? Is this for real?

Obviously pick the cats. But then I am a catmom.

Onthecouchagain · 14/10/2016 07:52

I would find it really hard to leave any animal, I believe I've made a commitment that I can't turn away from.

The cat itself probably doesn't carr who feeds it.

So in summary you'll feel terrible if you re-home the cats but the cats won't care

CurtainsforRonnie · 14/10/2016 07:57

YANBU

LTB

OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 14/10/2016 08:01

Definitely rehome the husband.

Sets bells ringing to me that you're admiting it's his way or tue high way as well as not being surprised if he got a job and then told you about it.

If he did get a job abroad and then tell you/expect you to just "be a good wife" and go along, would you?? How would you feel then??

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/10/2016 08:03

Do not move abroad with this man. You will be in exactly the same situation there ad you are here only you will be stranded and minus the only thing you can trust in life. The cats.

They can be taken with you.

Sounds more like he wants to take everything away from you and make our dependant on him.

Stay home. With the cats.

crazycatguy · 14/10/2016 08:06

My cousin emigrated to New Zealand a few years ago and took her cats with her and her DP.

Move overseas with the cats and leave him behind. A cat eats about 12oz of food a day. A man will eat a lot more. Cats take up little room and you won't have to worry about them being rude to guests.

Mrsblackcat · 14/10/2016 08:06

I'd like to say no, I wouldn't, that I'd stand firm - but I'm not sure I would.

I'm already more dependent on him than is strictly speaking 'healthy'

OP posts:
engineersthumb · 14/10/2016 08:17

I'm on record as not being a cat person, being raised with dogs. But cats, dogs, fish or horses are pets. If it comes to a choice of moving for the betterment of the family or staying out to keep the animals then you should re home them. After all they are pets not family!