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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose cats over 'D'H?

85 replies

mrsblackcat · 13/10/2016 15:26

My DH wants to emigrate. Has been on about it for a while.

I'm not totally anti leaving the UK but the countries that would welcome his employment are more limited for me and vice versa so it's a bit of a stalemate.

His next master plan was wanting to buy a house abroad so as part of this he has announced he wants the cats to be rehomed . He's said this before and I end up crying so he relents and says we/I can keep the cats.

I see it so differently, you might as well ask me to rehome my son! They are the family.

If DH really is adamant he wants this then I don't want to stay with him. But then breaking up my family because of cats seems crazy.

OP posts:

madein1995 · 14/10/2016 08:21

Agree this is a warning side of a controlling bastard. Anyvman who wanted me to choose between my cats and him would get his marching orders

thetemptationofchocolate · 14/10/2016 09:19

OP you say in your original post that it seems crazy to break up a family because of cats, and I can see why you would say that.
But it really isn't about cats is it? It's about his expectations of you - that you will just do as he says, whether you want to or not. He sounds really unpleasant from what you have written here, and I would be seriously thinking about a future without him if I were you.

Original poster

Mrsblackcat · 14/10/2016 11:08

I suppose so chocolate yes. He isn't unpleasant really, but he can be domineering and controlling.

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/10/2016 11:16

But he can't force you to emigrate can he? That's the nub of the issue - he's set his mind on emigrating and you're ambivalent to the idea, at best. At the moment the argument is hypothetical - there are no concrete plans as you're undecided on a country. But the first conversation to have is whether you both want to emigrate or not. If you do, you next need to look at options that suit you both and will accept you both on any points system. Only at that point can you really discuss the logistics of actually moving and whether or not it's right to move the cats. It seems a bizarre way to go about decision making when at the moment it's essentially just a pipe dream. The cats are a secondary consideration - do you actually want to move or not?

Original poster

Mrsblackcat · 14/10/2016 11:18

I don't know but whatever I want I want to be part of the decision not something to be carted along with the luggage

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/10/2016 11:22

Of course and I absolutely agree Mrsblackcat, that's my point! It sounds like you're very undecided for such a huge life move. Time to get tough and state your case - but leave the cats out of it for now. That's another bridge to be tackled once you've stood your ground about whether or not you actually want to move. Don't be bulldozered into such a crucial life decision.

cestlavielife · 14/10/2016 11:32

where are you both from?
what does he want to emigrate?
what job does he have? ie is he going to earn a fortune on an expat salary and you all have a fantastic lifestyle?

how well do you get on with your h, really truthfully?
what do you love about him? what do you hate?

my ex had grandiose schemes all the time to move to emigrate to live in another country...to go to his home country...at one time i thought gosh yes this will make him happy...later realizing nothing would make him happy. hence ex.

dont move to make him happy.

this is so much more than about cats.

but frankly if you love your cats and dislike how your husband behaves towards you then ditch the husband. let him go abroad on his won and commute back t visit you for a year, then decide.

Original poster

Mrsblackcat · 14/10/2016 13:45

We're both from the UK :) Thanks for your thoughts. I'm all stressed out and confused.

OP posts:

Memoires · 14/10/2016 18:59

The thing is, if you want to do a really big thing which will affect every single part of your life, then you have to be really keen. There are so many hurdles to jump over that if you're not eager they just become yet another problem that you've somehow got to sort out.

If you really do want to emigrate, the taking the cats with you won't be a problem, it'll be challenging maybe, or take an extra bit of time, but it won't be a problem; you won't mind doing to extra because it is what you want and you truly believe it will be worth it.

If you're only doing it because your partner has decided unilaterally that this is how you're going to be spending the rest of your lives, and you're just tagging along to appease him, then taking the cats will be an additional problem, as will finding some way of rehoming them, and the chances are you will miss them like crazy and feel horribly guilty.

So only do it if you - you yourself - really, really want to. And with this guy? No.

SpecialStains · 14/10/2016 19:05

We got a cat because I love them, DH was indifferent. He does now love the cat, and when we occasionally talk about living abroad for a bit, our first criteria is where we can both get work, and second is whether we can easily take the cat! I also have a DS and the cat is just as much part of my family. I couldn't leave him/rehome him, not even with family.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

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