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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday to where he went with ex wife

79 replies

Cookingpotsally · 11/10/2016 19:23

DP and I have been together a few months and at the time of meeting, had both come out of short lived marriages which had ended a couple of years previously. We have been talking about planning our first holiday together. As somebody who loves travelling, I have been looking forward to planning new adventures with him. My ex husband had a lot of debt so we didn't have much cash for holidays so didn't go to many places.

The problem is that one or two places that are top of my list to visit and places that I have always wanted to visit are places that he has been to before with his ex wife. Places where he proposed, they honeymooned together, had romantic trips away etc. On Facebook I have seen him tagged in stuff detailing all the things they did. It's annoying hearing about a proposal and a honeymoon in places I want to go to.

I know full well I am being ridiculous. It is in the past, he doesn't love her anymore and there is nothing I can do to change it. Everybody has got a past and baggage. There are places I have been to with significant exes etc etc etc.

I just can't help the thought that I REALLY want to go to these places but now feel like they've been tainted. There is a particular city that I now feel I can never go to. How can I go there with him and not feel that he is not seeing things with fresh eyes for the first time and will be reliving memories of his time with her? Especially the places where they got engaged/ went on honeymoon?

I KNOW I am being utterly ridiculous and expect to be told so. I am becoming a bit obsessed by this and can't stop thinking about it. I just want to know if anybody has ever felt like this and how you overcame this irrational jealousy of a past you can do nothing about.

Should I avoid these places altogether and never experience them? Should I go to the same places with him and overwrite them with our own memories or would that just make me sick with jealousy that he has done it all before with her? It's strange because the fact that he actually has an ex wife does not bother me at all. It's just the travel stuff.

I'm prepared to be told I am being stupid. The past cannot be changed and he is with me now. That's all that matters. I just can't get it out my head and need somebody on here to lend me a massive grip.

Ta.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/10/2016 19:29

Stop being silly

There you go

AmberEars · 11/10/2016 19:29

I don't think you're being stupid. If I was in your situation I wouldn't mind going somewhere they'd been together, but I don't think I'd want to go to the place where he proposed or they went on honeymoon. I'm a very rational non-jealous person but I think that would really bother me.

Just choose somewhere else. There are lots of places in the world! It doesn't mean you've ruled them out forever - you may feel differently on a few years.

NapQueen · 11/10/2016 19:30

I'd probably feel the same as you. I'd want to make new memories.

wheatchief · 11/10/2016 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillionToOneChances · 11/10/2016 19:32

You know YABU. Go to some new places first and then go to those places when you're feeling a bit more secure.

Guavaf1sh · 11/10/2016 19:32

Go to those places. You're being silly

Oysterbabe · 11/10/2016 19:33

As you know, you are being being utterly ridiculous. Carry on as you would if his ex-wife didn't exist. It will be different for him because he'll be with you.

SandyY2K · 11/10/2016 19:36

I see where you're coming from.

Go to another place first and create your memories, then you can go there another time if you still fancy it.

MorrisZapp · 11/10/2016 19:37

You're feeling like this because it's three months in and you're sex drunk.

In a year or so you'll be like oh yeah is that the sofa you first shagged Rita on, can't say I care for the colour.

whattheseithakasmean · 11/10/2016 19:42

I think your being OTT fretting about being in the same city he shagged his ex. He is using the same dick to shag you, to being in the same city seems a bit of a minor detail compared to that.

Featherybum · 11/10/2016 19:50

I get what you mean, especially so early on in a relationship but seems a shame to miss out on places you've always wanted to see. My DF and DM were very unhappily married and when my DF married SM we were bit surprised that they chose to go to places we'd all been as a family years earlier for their honeymoon. However they always said my dad didn't enjoy them fully first time round because of the situation with my mother as she'd insist on doing the beach all the time and not seeing the sights, so it's actually totally different for him as he's finally getting to see the sights he didn't feel able to when he went the first time. Maybe it would be like that and you and DP would make completely different memories as you'd do the trip your way as a couple? But maybe somewhere new while the relationship is still so young as others say.

Mollypolly2610 · 11/10/2016 20:08

I did this and it was completely OUR holiday. We had a great time and no memories were ever mentioned or thought about I am sure. Go and have a great time and make your own memories of the place.

ICancelledTheCheque · 11/10/2016 20:09

I felt the same but did it anyway.

Had a great time!

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 11/10/2016 20:10

The first thing I told my dh was that I wouldn't be following in his exes footsteps!!
That's totally acceptable imo!!

KC225 · 11/10/2016 20:20

I think it's perfectly acceptable to want to carve your own memories, especially in the early days and a first holiday. There is no reason why you can't visit those places later on when things have settled down and you are a more established couple or perhaps have girly weekend away Without DH.

JustHappy3 · 11/10/2016 20:45

There are places i've been to with my ex and loved but they've been coloured by the fact i went with him.
And then i went with dh - and it's like cutting and pasting. All the enjoyment of the place is transferred to my lovely time there with dh.
Don't worry - just go. He won't be thinking of her - he'll be making new memories with you.
It would be mad to miss out on eg Venice, Reykjavik (sp?), Barcelona for these reasons.

Wilderbeast · 11/10/2016 20:48

There are so many places to go to in the world. If you can't get over your ridiculousness, go somewhere else.

Seahawk80 · 11/10/2016 20:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Surely there are some ways round it though. Like say one of the places was Thailand. You could go to a different place / resort. If it was New York you could stay in a hotel in a different area and make sure you do some things they didn't do. Or combine it with Boston. I work in travel and it always annoys me when people say they've "done"
a country when they've been to one beach resort when there is so much to see. Don't miss out on somewhere you really want to see because of an ex.

garlicandsapphire · 11/10/2016 20:53

Go somewhere thats new to you both - to start your own new fresh adventures. Fun for him and you. Maybe he doesn't really want to re-tread his steps and maybe you don't want to hear the places they went. As others have said, the world is a big place.

Peanutbutterpussycat · 11/10/2016 20:53

Bet it's New York, I don't think you're silly at all, regardless of the destinations, my ex took his new wife to a place we had been to and he proposed there ( we were just 18 and 20 at the time ) and I doubt he gave it a second thought.
I am also a non jealous type but would possibly find myself feeling similar to you if I was in your situation. We're only human.

Don't miss out on going somewhere special because of this, make your own memories, they're yours and yours alone, see places together as though neither of you have been, maybe speak to your partner, he may completely understand, either way don't let it consume you.
If the role was reversed do you think he would feel the same?

SaggyNaggy · 11/10/2016 20:54

I didn't even like going to the same pubs with my gf as I went with my exw.
Felt weird, atmosphere-y. Iyswim.

New people, new places. But, if itfs somewhere you really want to go, go to different hotels, different restaurants, etc.

Boynamedsue · 11/10/2016 21:05

I would say that, of course, you are being completely unreasonable. But, I think lots of people in your position would feel the same (myself included!)
Give it a few years though and you'll feel better about it, I think. So don't think you have to rule these places out forever.

hookiewookie29 · 11/10/2016 21:18

My DH had his honeymoon in Florida with his first wife. 18 months after we met, we went back there.Didn't bother me at all that he'd been with his ex- he was paying so I wasn't going to say no!
We've since bought a touring caravan and one of our favourite campsites is one where I once stayed with my ex husband!
The world is full of beautiful places and it's silly to avoid some of them just because your partner has been with someone else.
If I stayed away from every place I'd been with an ex, I'd never go out!

SansasEscape · 11/10/2016 21:21

Go and override those memories. You know you've gotta!

BestZebbie · 11/10/2016 21:24

If it really annoys you, go to other places with your DH and go on your own at some point to those particular places (not necessarily alone, but with friends or a hobby or through an organised tour with other individuals travelling without a companion).

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