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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday to where he went with ex wife

79 replies

Cookingpotsally · 11/10/2016 19:23

DP and I have been together a few months and at the time of meeting, had both come out of short lived marriages which had ended a couple of years previously. We have been talking about planning our first holiday together. As somebody who loves travelling, I have been looking forward to planning new adventures with him. My ex husband had a lot of debt so we didn't have much cash for holidays so didn't go to many places.

The problem is that one or two places that are top of my list to visit and places that I have always wanted to visit are places that he has been to before with his ex wife. Places where he proposed, they honeymooned together, had romantic trips away etc. On Facebook I have seen him tagged in stuff detailing all the things they did. It's annoying hearing about a proposal and a honeymoon in places I want to go to.

I know full well I am being ridiculous. It is in the past, he doesn't love her anymore and there is nothing I can do to change it. Everybody has got a past and baggage. There are places I have been to with significant exes etc etc etc.

I just can't help the thought that I REALLY want to go to these places but now feel like they've been tainted. There is a particular city that I now feel I can never go to. How can I go there with him and not feel that he is not seeing things with fresh eyes for the first time and will be reliving memories of his time with her? Especially the places where they got engaged/ went on honeymoon?

I KNOW I am being utterly ridiculous and expect to be told so. I am becoming a bit obsessed by this and can't stop thinking about it. I just want to know if anybody has ever felt like this and how you overcame this irrational jealousy of a past you can do nothing about.

Should I avoid these places altogether and never experience them? Should I go to the same places with him and overwrite them with our own memories or would that just make me sick with jealousy that he has done it all before with her? It's strange because the fact that he actually has an ex wife does not bother me at all. It's just the travel stuff.

I'm prepared to be told I am being stupid. The past cannot be changed and he is with me now. That's all that matters. I just can't get it out my head and need somebody on here to lend me a massive grip.

Ta.

OP posts:

Pohara1 · 12/10/2016 08:16

I have exactly the same thing with my dp. He wants to go on an almost identical holiday with me as he did with his ex. I asked him why and he said that there had been so much he'd wanted to do and see that he couldn't with her, and that while the place itself is beautiful, his memory of it isn't. He wants to change his memories of somewhere that he feels he should have enjoyed.
Admittedly it does still make me uncomfortable from time to time, but that's a me thing. So I don't think you're being silly to feel the way you feel, but I do think that if your dp wants to change his experience of somewhere he's been with his ex, then do it.

Notagainmun · 12/10/2016 08:31

I have been married for almost thirty years but your post took me back to how I felt in the early years of our relationship. My DH had had a girlfriend for two years and we got together soon after they split up. Like you when we planned trips of holidays I never wanted to go where he had been with her.

We were invited to a wedding which meant a weekend away to a city they had been to together. We had a wonderful time and I then made it my secret mission to go to all those places and make sure he had better memories of going there with me than with her.

ConvincingLiar · 12/10/2016 08:37

Wait until she's long lost history and then go to the places you've always wanted to go (but in a different hotel). It's very early days for you so go somewhere new and neutral first.

ShatnersWig · 12/10/2016 08:40

You've only been together a few months, you're already planning your first holiday together (which I take to mean a week or a fortnight, rather than a weekend away), and you're already concerned about going places this bloke went with his ex wife.

It's only been a few months. Get a grip. This is such early days, you could be split up in another three months and it'll be irrelevant.

NavyandWhite · 12/10/2016 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 12/10/2016 09:04

I've been in this position, and at first was incredibly uncomfortable going anywhere my DP would've gone with his ex. 3 years down the line, I'm now much more of the belief that if he wants to take me somewhere, it's because he knows that I will love it, and vice versa. It's so easy to overthink and imagine that he is nostalgic once he's in the actual place, but you will probably find that unless you bring it up, it hasn't even crossed his mind. And I say this having been on both sides - being taken to places that have connotations, and also taking my DP to places I have visited with my ex. Oh and please ignore what whatthese said. Completely unnecessary.

Ilovewillow · 12/10/2016 09:05

Go and make new memories together! If you would feel happier go somewhere neither of you have been first and leave the others until further into your relationship!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/10/2016 09:07

You've only been together for a few months and there are lots of places in the world. Give your head a wobble and plan your first couple of trips for somewhere neutral. In a couple of years you either won't care or you'll have split up.

adogcalledbert · 12/10/2016 09:08

It depends where.
Same cottage on a remote Scottish loch would be weird.
NY, Paris or Barbados would be fine.

BabyGanoush · 12/10/2016 09:11

The world is full of places, millions of places to visit

Why go to especially those places?

It's quite silly really, I mean, how many places are there?!

PotatoBread · 12/10/2016 09:12

Does your DP even want to go to these places again? There are so many amazing places in the world that I am always loathe to go to the same place twice (regardless of who I went with the first time)

MrsRaymondReddington · 12/10/2016 09:15

I would feel the same way as you, but that has more to do with how I feel about the ex than anything else! I think I would reverse the situation in my head and imagine I was taking him somewhere I'd been with an ex....I'd be happy that I could go back to a wonderful place with the new love of my life.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 09:17

Honestly? I don't think your ready to be in a relationship. You know your being irrational but instead of working on you and your issues - your just looking at ways of getting 'past' it and becoming obsessed with it - which isn't normal and needs dealing with.

It's actually very controlling and if you were with my son or daughter and knew you were harbouring feelings like this and becoming fixated id be urginging him to get you to seek help or to finish it.

Grow up or seek medical help.

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 12/10/2016 09:18

Seek medical help? The OP has quite a rational feeling, that many others have posted they have felt similar to.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 09:25

To the point of becoming obsessed and fixated and feeling like whole places/islands have become 'tainted' because an ex went there? Yes. She needs help and she clearly has issues and it's not fair on her new BF. It sounds like her BF isn't even arsed, but op wants to go to these places and is having some internal battle as its all 'tainted'. It's not normal. Jealousy out of control over something her BF can't even help with.

If it was a man saying these things I'm sure folk would be saying quite different responses.

Overthinker2016 · 12/10/2016 09:25

Seek medical help - priceless.

I wouldn't want to go back to the place I got engaged in with my new boyf. I would however go to certain holiday destinations I went to with ex with new boyf. New York I would go to in a heartbeat. The beauty of New York is that it keeps on regenerating and is a different city each time you go. I also think I'd have a better trip with new boyf.

Millionreasons · 12/10/2016 09:26

I agree too. My ex went to the Maldives with his ex and he kept on and on that he wanted to take me. I had no interest whatsoever.

Like others have said there are so many millions of places to go. Even if you did a round the world trip you could still avoid the same places.

If it was a country, you could just stay in a different city/resort and have a completely different time.

In any case you have only just started going out with him. What if it doesn't last? You can go to those places with someone else so don't worry too much.

Chinnygirl · 12/10/2016 09:27

Go with a friend. See new places with your DP.

EBearhug · 12/10/2016 09:28

Go to new places with DH. Go to the cities you really want to see with a group of friends - or after some time has passed, you might feel more able to see them with DH. You probably aren't going to feel the same way forever, once you've built up more memories together.

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 12/10/2016 09:28

Hmmm I understand the worry, but I do think you need to put it aside. People have pasts and we can't tie ourselves up worrying about them or we miss out on being in their present.

My experience might be a bit coloured by my BF though, as he's a widower. We go to lots of places that are filled with memories of his wife. We talk about her - in a way, it's lovely to share his happiness. Happily together for 20 years so I know he'll always love her - it's comforting to see the happiness that was in their daily lives. But I can't compare myself to her, can't second guess whether I'm being like her, enjoying what she did - or I'd never stop, and we'd both be living in the past.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 09:30

I agree too. My ex went to the Maldives with his ex and he kept on and on that he wanted to take me. I had no interest whatsoever

Yes I agree but It's the op that wants to go to these places - not her BF. She want to go to a place that's been 'tainted' is getting obsessed over it and jealous.

It's not normal.

Chinnygirl · 12/10/2016 09:31

My DP took me to Prague where he had been to 3 times with his ex. He took me because it was the most romantic place he could think of and wanted to share that with me. It didn't bother me but I totally understand it can feel tainted.

ChinUpChestOut · 12/10/2016 09:31

Lets assume that top of your list is Thailand - say, Phuket. You really really want to visit there, but DP went there with XW. So you go first to Bangkok, or Chiang Mai, and then spend 3-4 days in Phuket. Don't just take the place, take over the whole country as YOUR destination. You want to go to DisneyWorld? Go to the Florida Keys & Miami, and then Disney.

Obviously this is going to cost more. But if you can't get your head around going to her destination, then save up a bit more, go economically, and make the destination part of a bigger trip. And yours.

LeatherAndLace · 12/10/2016 09:31

I can understand, I felt the same at the beginning of our relationship too. Couldn't care less now.

Where do you draw the line though? Can you never get a Chinese takeaway because that was their favourite? Never go to the local cinema because they had a first date there?

parrots · 12/10/2016 09:34

If it was a man saying these things I'm sure folk would be saying quite different responses.

Agree with this ^

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