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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday to where he went with ex wife

79 replies

Cookingpotsally · 11/10/2016 19:23

DP and I have been together a few months and at the time of meeting, had both come out of short lived marriages which had ended a couple of years previously. We have been talking about planning our first holiday together. As somebody who loves travelling, I have been looking forward to planning new adventures with him. My ex husband had a lot of debt so we didn't have much cash for holidays so didn't go to many places.

The problem is that one or two places that are top of my list to visit and places that I have always wanted to visit are places that he has been to before with his ex wife. Places where he proposed, they honeymooned together, had romantic trips away etc. On Facebook I have seen him tagged in stuff detailing all the things they did. It's annoying hearing about a proposal and a honeymoon in places I want to go to.

I know full well I am being ridiculous. It is in the past, he doesn't love her anymore and there is nothing I can do to change it. Everybody has got a past and baggage. There are places I have been to with significant exes etc etc etc.

I just can't help the thought that I REALLY want to go to these places but now feel like they've been tainted. There is a particular city that I now feel I can never go to. How can I go there with him and not feel that he is not seeing things with fresh eyes for the first time and will be reliving memories of his time with her? Especially the places where they got engaged/ went on honeymoon?

I KNOW I am being utterly ridiculous and expect to be told so. I am becoming a bit obsessed by this and can't stop thinking about it. I just want to know if anybody has ever felt like this and how you overcame this irrational jealousy of a past you can do nothing about.

Should I avoid these places altogether and never experience them? Should I go to the same places with him and overwrite them with our own memories or would that just make me sick with jealousy that he has done it all before with her? It's strange because the fact that he actually has an ex wife does not bother me at all. It's just the travel stuff.

I'm prepared to be told I am being stupid. The past cannot be changed and he is with me now. That's all that matters. I just can't get it out my head and need somebody on here to lend me a massive grip.

Ta.

OP posts:
Itmustbemyage · 12/10/2016 09:49

I'm a bit puzzled why you are focusing on holiday destinations? Unless you both have moved towns you face going to the same restaurant, cinema, furniture store, lingerie shop, supermarket or theatre as with previous partners. If you are living together what about decorating with the same colours, having the same furniture( bed especially).
Socialising with friends who you knew when you were with previous partners.
Move on live your life together the way that you want, and don't look back.

user1471494124 · 12/10/2016 10:08

I think it depends on how obsessed with it you really are.

I used to have an obsessive issue with my now DH 's ex. It was a symptom of my longstanding anxiety and depression and a form of OCD. With medication and counselling it completely went away. If you think it has any danger of being like that, then yes, seek medical help.

If not (more likely!), then I'm afraid you just need to bite the bullet and go and make new memories together. He's not with his ex for a reason. He's with you and presumably much happier, or he wouldn't be with you either!

tofutti · 12/10/2016 10:20

YANBU I know what you mean, but in reverse.

I avoid visiting a particular country due to an ex.

I say go to your no.1 place and have a blast. Next time, if no.2 is a place DP went to with his ex, go anyway and make your own memories.

RepentAtLeisure · 12/10/2016 10:23

You could always visit with a friend instead? You don't have to go with him.

I thought this thread would be about him wanting to take you there. I had an ex who was so lazy and unimaginative he only ever wanted to go to places he already knew. And then was lame enough to start reminiscing with me about past memories while we were there. Ugh.

willconcern · 12/10/2016 10:35

I felt sympathetic until I read There is a particular city that I now feel I can never go to.

Sorry, but that's daft. A whole CITY?? Cities are big places, you don't have to visit the same places. Go and do different things.

You're cutting your nose off to spite your face. I think have a stern word with yourself, and acknowledge that there are some things you can't control, and where your DP has been before in a past relationship is one of them. Let it go.

corythatwas · 12/10/2016 12:06

It's the curse of Facebook, isn't it? We end up sharing other people's lives, including the past lives of our loved ones, in a way that wouldn't have happened 20 years ago- and which quite frankly isn't necessary now either. You don't have to read her Facebook entries; you don't have to know where he proposed romantically; you are allowed to step away from all that information.

Original poster
Cookingpotsally · 12/10/2016 14:28

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the responses. I have been lurking here for years and this was actually my first post ever. I am actually overwhelmed that so many of you have taken the time to reply.

I am so relieved that so many of you have said that you have also felt this way or can see where I am coming from. It means a lot.
Thank you also to those of you who have handed me a friendly and humourous, grip. You have really helped.

Being controlling and needing medical help? That is indeed PRICELESS and made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the giggle. Apart from a small mention a couple of months ago, my DP has absolutely no idea this is bothering me so much. It would hardly be fair to berate him over something like this. It's not his fault I feel this way and he has done nothing wrong. It's my issue in my own head, so I have held off mentioning it more than once. That's hardly controlling!

As many of you have said, I think it will just take time. Time helps most things. In the meantime, I have some great girlfriends I can go to these places with. Or perhaps in a few years with DP. If we are still together in 20 years, I doubt it will bother me so much.

I know I am fighting a losing battle worrying about all this and know it is futile. I know I am being ridiculous! I can't tell anybody in real life, so writing it all down to a bunch of strangers has been very cathartic and has really, really helped.

Thanks again for responding to my first ever post. Most of you have been really helpful. I quite like it here on Mumsnet. I think I'll stay.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/10/2016 15:34

Good. MFlowersN needs more sensible people that actually listen to advice and take on board when they are being daft

AnyFucker · 12/10/2016 15:34

Oops, those flowers got inserted in the wrong place. You get the gist.

KungFuPandaWorksOut · 12/10/2016 16:02

Look at it this way

You've always wanted to go these places. Go to them! See it this way, you're erasing the old memories, by making new ones!!

willconcern · 12/10/2016 16:11

OP, I didn't mean you were controlling - just that you could learn not to worry about things you can't control. That's different.

Well done for taking it all on board.

purpleprincess24 · 12/10/2016 16:35

We got married at the hotel where DH and his ex spent their wedding night (as did we) .. completely our choice as I loved the venue.

Stayed at hotel where they spent their honeymoon and various other places they visited together.

None if it bothered me in the slightest

The80sweregreat · 12/10/2016 16:48

its tricky as I would have felt the same 30 odd years ago, but at my age I couldn't care less! A town or city is just that - its always going to be there and if you want to go , then just go along and make sure its a different hotel or area so there isn't much overlap with the trip with his ex. Its the memories you are making that's important, he is with you now and not her. don't let this stop you enjoying each others company and having a lovely holiday - together!

WeAllHaveWings · 12/10/2016 17:01

On Facebook I have seen him tagged in stuff detailing all the things they did. It's annoying hearing about a proposal and a honeymoon in places I want to go to.

Assuming the proposal was at least 3 years ago maybe more, how are you seeing him tagged? Is he still being tagged recently or are you trawling back through his facebook to the times there were together to see this? That way madness lies...

Thank fuck facebook or even the internet hadn't been invented when dh and I got together! Grin Ignorance is for most people bliss.

Nellyfromtheblock · 11/11/2022 07:54

I know this is an old post but oh my gosh, I could have written it myself! This is exactly how I'm currently feeling.
Booking my first real holiday with my boyfriend after 2.5 years together. Covid and divorce proceedings put a stop to any holidays before now.
Anyway I just can't bring myself to go anywhere where he's been before with his ex wife. Not just the hotel, but country too! He says I'm.being silly and that we will make new nemories together, and we will....just somewhere he's never been before!
I know most people will think I'm.being ridiculous, but he didn't want his marriage to end, she did. So I dread him going somewhere he has been before and memories of his previous love coming back to him whole he's walking around with me. Only problem is that they went on a lot of holidays together, to lots of different places. Truth is, they had a fabulous life together. And bow there's nowhere left for us to go on holiday because he's done it all with her already!
And before anyone asks, I wont go out locally to restaurants or pubs that he used to go to with her either. Only new places for new memories

Fufumcgoo · 11/11/2022 08:09

Gosh, surprised at some of these answers. Get over yourself OP

Fufumcgoo · 11/11/2022 08:11

Gosh @Nellyfromtheblock if your that insecure in your relationship, why are you in it? Also advice to get over yourself.

Paganatheart · 11/11/2022 09:03

As many people have suggested, go to other places first. When you're a bit more secure in the relationship, go to the places he's been to with his ex. You could talk to him first and ask that when you're there you don't want to hear any stories of his previous trip.

drpet49 · 11/11/2022 09:08

Fufumcgoo · 11/11/2022 08:11

Gosh @Nellyfromtheblock if your that insecure in your relationship, why are you in it? Also advice to get over yourself.

This. OP would be a red flag to me.

Rayn22 · 11/11/2022 09:13

I would advise don't go. My second husband came with me to a place where I had been with my previous husband and yes I could not help but focus on the memories with my first husband! It's natural. However. We have been to this place loads of times and now have new memories. You need somewhere new together to explore for a first holiday I think!

SuperCamp · 11/11/2022 09:24

For your first hol, go somewhere neither of you have been, so that you are both having the exact same experience.

After that… well I am imagining a French couple, or a couple from Newcastle, say, not coming to London (where I live) because one of them has been before.

It feels bonkers. I live here and still haven’t experienced all of the city or all the ways to spend time here. I can’t imagine anyone who was interested in coming to London never coming again because they had been with a previous partner.

Avoid the honeymoon hotel perhaps.

SuperCamp · 11/11/2022 09:26

ASAARGH ZOMBIE!

America12 · 11/11/2022 09:38

You are being ridiculous get a grip 😊

PearlclutchersInc · 11/11/2022 09:42

@Nellyfromtheblock why are you resurrecting a 6 year old thread rather than starting your own?

OneTC · 11/11/2022 10:00

I know full well I am being ridiculous.

Enough said

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