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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage and name change

101 replies

Goodgonegirl · 02/10/2016 20:53

Aibu to want to keep my name? My dp and I have opposing views. For a couple of reasons I really want to keep my own name when we get married. My children from a previous relationship have my name, and it is a link to my deceased parents.

I was married before and did change my name briefly but changed it back to my maiden name which I have kept since. My children have this (my maiden name) name also.

From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his. But where do we go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you? He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

OP posts:
Soyouare2faced · 02/10/2016 20:54

Keep it if you want to, what about double barrel?

justilou · 02/10/2016 20:56

I wish I had kept my name because it's nicer, but it meant so much to my husband. When I return to work I will retain my maiden name because I feel like it's a good thing to show my kids that I have had a life of my own as well as with my husband and them....

OlennasWimple · 02/10/2016 20:56

If this is a deal breaker for him, he can't want to marry you that much, sorry (and I say this as someone who changed their name on marriage).

Try insisting that he should change his name to yours and see how he feels about that. What's good for the goose, and all that...

ThePinkOcelot · 02/10/2016 20:57

What are his equally valid reasons?

thegoodnameshadgone · 02/10/2016 20:58

Double barrelled is a good compromise though

SueTrinder · 02/10/2016 20:59

Suggest he changes his name to yours and see what he says to that. Bet he won't like it but surely it's the best way to make sure everyone in the family has the same name.

Why should you change your name from the name you share with your parents and children? His reasons for making you change your name cannot be as valid as your reasons for keeping your own name.

I didn't change my name, I don't think I would have married a man who was so insistent that I change my name, so yes, it would be a deal breaker for me. It's my name, no man can tell me to change it. DH's Mum didn't change her name because she came from a culture where women don't change their name. My extremely conservative FIL seems to have coped.

redexpat · 02/10/2016 21:03

His refusal to get married over a name, yours, makes me feel uneasy. It just sounds very my way or highway which makes me feel uneasy.

The only compromise I can see is that you both double barrel. Would that be a possibility?

Ijustneedaminute · 02/10/2016 21:04

He sounds very childish, are you sure you want to marry him?? I kept my name, my dh is respectful of this. Is there a good reason for his little tantrum?

RoseGoldHippie · 02/10/2016 21:05

100% I will keep my name. If DP wants the same name as me he can change his!

I think your reasons are totally valid (more so than my own tbh) you can't start married life being resentful to your husband for making you chose between him and a link to your past that you clearly hold so dear xx

RoseGoldHippie · 02/10/2016 21:06

Sorry I meant past and obviously your present (i.e. Children!!!) Blush

squoosh · 02/10/2016 21:07

There was a long thread on this recently which you may find interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/TalkTalk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2735934-would-you-give-up-your-surname-of-you-got-married

Original poster
Goodgonegirl · 02/10/2016 21:07

I did consider double barrelling, but both names are long, and wouldn't really work together.

His reasons are: it is traditional, and also in his most significant previous relationship, his partner refused to take his name after they planned to marry (they were engaged but never actually married) and then after they split, met someone else, married them and took their name, so he sees it as a lack of commitment, I suppose .

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 02/10/2016 21:09

I didn't change my name -- family name would have died out if I had. My daughter took my name (XH was ok with that) and her daughter has a double barrelled name.
It's extremely common now for women to keep their names and in many countries it is the custom.
I think you should stick to your guns. I think his threatening not to get married is bullying. As a concession tell him you are willing to use his name as well as your own. If you have a child together that would link your older children with the baby.
Good luck

PurpleDaisies · 02/10/2016 21:09

It's totally your choice. If he can't accept that, that would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be wondering what else he thought he could control in the future.

What are his reasons?

squoosh · 02/10/2016 21:09

P.S 'From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his.'

His views on your name are not equally as valid. No way.

'He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.'

He's a twat. run away now.

squoosh · 02/10/2016 21:09

P.S 'From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his.'

His views on your name are not equally as valid. No way.

'He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.'

He's a twat. Run away now.

Mojito6 · 02/10/2016 21:09

I'd be extremely concerned if my husband had refused to marry me if I didn't take his name it seems very controlling! Perhaps suggest he changes his name to yours to show his commitment to you?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 02/10/2016 21:11

Tradition is a bollocks reason. And I would be hugely insulted if he was comparing me to an ex and not trusting me or accusing me of a lack of commitment due to her behaviour! Shock

Pebbles16 · 02/10/2016 21:12

Hmmm. Sounds like the name is more important than the commitment TBH. Sorry that's not v helpful of me

PurpleDaisies · 02/10/2016 21:12

Cross posted with you. His reasons are rubbish.

It's traditional for women to stay at home, look pretty and do housework without making trouble for their husbands. We're not in the 50's any more.

His previous relationship has nothing to do with you. Surely getting married is a big enough commitment.

Landoni112 · 02/10/2016 21:12

My husband didn't and doesn't like that I didn't take his name.
The fact you already have children with your own family name and the fact that he won't marry you if you don't take his name would make me dig my heels in if I were you.
Can't he take your name?

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 02/10/2016 21:12

He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

Fuck. That.

Soyouare2faced · 02/10/2016 21:12

If you don't feel as though you should then don't, tell him you won't marry him if you can't keep your name.
My other half says I should be honoured to take his name (for reasons I can't say on here) so I won't be getting married anytime soon

WhooooAmI24601 · 02/10/2016 21:13

I took DH's name because I liked it, and wanted to.

In your shoes I'd stick to my guns. Anyone that wanting me to do something simply to please them has a long wait coming.

brittabot · 02/10/2016 21:14

Sounds like his reasons are to do with unresolved issues with a previous partmer. Do you think you are both ready for marriage?