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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage and name change

101 replies

Goodgonegirl · 02/10/2016 20:53

Aibu to want to keep my name? My dp and I have opposing views. For a couple of reasons I really want to keep my own name when we get married. My children from a previous relationship have my name, and it is a link to my deceased parents.

I was married before and did change my name briefly but changed it back to my maiden name which I have kept since. My children have this (my maiden name) name also.

From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his. But where do we go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you? He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

OP posts:
Cherryskypie · 02/10/2016 22:01

He needs to get over his past relationship. You have DC with your name. Why would you change it?

JulietteL · 02/10/2016 23:03

I didn't change my surname on marriage. My name is my identity - why should I change it?

My DH didn't care either way. We're just about to have our first DC who will have both surnames.

If my DH had said he wouldn't marry me if I didn't change my name, this would have been a MASSIVE red flag and a probable dealbreaker for me.

TheProblemOfSusan · 02/10/2016 23:18

Tradition isn't a good reason. It's a fucking terrible reason. Traditionally women don't get to vote or be anything other than property.

You might want to change for your own reasons, you might flex given his other reasons, but for fuck's sake don't just change for tradition.

(also I think his reason is arse too but that's your relationship to decide on not mine)

eightbluebirds · 02/10/2016 23:22

He has no "equally valid reasons". It's your name!

PoldarksBreeches · 02/10/2016 23:24

Yeah it would be a deal breaker for me. No fucker gets to change my name for me. Fuck that. His reasons are not valid, they are plain ol' misogyny and sexism. If he wouldn't do it then he has no right to ask you to do it.

Careforadrink · 02/10/2016 23:54

He doesn't love you

He can't if something like a name change stops him marrying you

Run away fast. Control freak.

Soyouare2faced · 02/10/2016 23:56

He doesn't love you? That's a bit much

SenecaFalls · 03/10/2016 00:07

Commitment? He thinks it shows lack of commitment? Then let him take your name. He can then show his commitment to you.

I didn't take my husbands name and have been married and very committed for 35 years. I most definitely would not have married him if he had insisted that I take his name.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2016 00:08

"His reasons are: it is traditional"
Crap reason - disregard.
"and also in his most significant previous relationship, his partner refused to take his name after they planned to marry (they were engaged but never actually married) and then after they split, met someone else, married them and took their name, so he sees it as a lack of commitment, I suppose ."
You are not her. Your reasons for keeping your name are to maintain the same name as your children and parents - was that her reasons too? It seems to me he can't quite separate the two relationships (or girlfriends?) in his head. You are not her, and if he doesn't get that then he is not a keeper.

Both those reasons are crap. Total crap. And the second one would give me pause for thought.

graphista · 03/10/2016 00:20

I agree with several others

Tradition is a dreadful argument. Lots of things were once traditional and we now know better, slavery, hanging, oppression of women. Seems he likes that idea!

Plus he's not over his ex

Plus he is trying to emotionally blackmail you

Never mind marriage I'd be questioning whether to stay with him at all!!

Careforadrink · 03/10/2016 00:25

Soyou

It's a massive red flag. Hugely controlling. A name is more important to him than being married to the woman he's supposed to love.

If that's indeed the case he cannot possibly truly love her.

Amethyst81 · 03/10/2016 02:05

If you want to keep your name keep it, definitely, especially if your DC have it and it is your link to your parents. I now regret changing my name as I feel I don't have my own identity and my DC don't have my married name (cultural reasons) . we've been through some really rough patches and then I have felt really angry and resentful when I've seen or heard my married name, I can't explain why this is. I understand why people change their names, I did, but if you don't want to at this point then don't, its your choice. Your partner shouldn't be dictating this if he wants you to have the same name then why doesnt he change his? I bet he won't.

Sprinklestar · 03/10/2016 02:05

Sounds like a lucky escape to me! Don't marry him and find someone who respects you!

Blu · 03/10/2016 05:07

Do you currently live with him?

I think it is a bit horrible of him to be wanting you to change your name to something different from your children. Not good or empathetic step parenting . He should be able to see that that, for you, is far more important than some flakey supposition that refusal to change name means lack of committment.

Why do you think that his reasons are 'equally valid'?

DeathStare · 03/10/2016 07:02

So he won't marry you unless you agree that he can control the decisions you make about yourself.

Well I know what I'd do...

ConvincingLiar · 03/10/2016 07:11

Why don't you compromise? He can choose his name and you can choose yours.

I didn't change my name when we married, DH might have preferred it if I did, but he accepted it was my decision not his.

MsMermaid · 03/10/2016 07:19

It's YOUR name so YOU get to decide. If you want to keep your own name then keep it. If the pair of you can compromise with both double barrelling then go for that. I wouldn't recommend changing your name completely just because he tells you to, you have valid reasons for wanting to keep your own ("I don't want to change my name" is a good enough reason, you don't need anything more).

user1471449592 · 03/10/2016 07:31

I kept my name, our kids also have my name.

My brother and his wife chose a completely new surname when they had kids (not married at that point) and both changed their names via deed poll.

Aderyn2016 · 03/10/2016 07:43

Think carefully about whether you want this kind of man to be your children's stepfather. He is already trying to make you toe the line by threatening you. Do you think tying your children's future and your finances to this relationship will improve your lives?
What happens next time he wants his own way or when your dc don't fit into his world view?

Agree that he is telling you very clearly who he is and you should listen.

GillyMcFizzleSocks · 03/10/2016 07:49

OP this would make me wonder why his ex left. Perhaps he behaved similarly?

OneFootinFront · 03/10/2016 07:53

Suggest he changes his name to yours and see what he says to that

This!

Or if you must double-barrel, make sure you BOTH do it, and have your name first.

FinallyHere · 03/10/2016 08:03

Previous responses have really covered this. I wanted to add that if there is one thing I have read from reading people's experience here on Mumsnet, it is to listen when people tell you who they are, especially in the 'early days' of the relationship. He would rather not be married to you, than be married to someone who will not change her name to his. He cites a previous relationship, in which the partner did not di this and he doesn't want that to happen again.

Listen to what he is saying, and be very grateful for his honesty.

In your shoes, I may be tempted to have one more go at talking to him about this. Maybe even suggest he reads this thread and then see whether he laughs at himself ( a good sign) or remains adamant. All the best.

SpareASquare · 03/10/2016 08:12

I simply wouldn't marry someone who demanded I take his name.

And 'tradition'? Lamest excuse ever. The 'tradition' was all about ownership.

Somerville · 03/10/2016 08:27

I did change my surname for my first marriage - a combination of me being too young to have really thought it through, and because it was a much nicer surname than my birth one.
However my first husband passed away and I'm engaged but I'm not changing my surname again. It's more important to me to share my children's surname than my fiancés.
Do you know my fiance's response to me telling him that I'll remain Ms FirstHusbandSurname - utter bemusement at why I would even feel the need to have to tell him that. He thought it was obvious that I would stick with the name I share with my children.

I would run screaming from a man who insisted on this.

myownprivateidaho · 03/10/2016 08:29

From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his. ... He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

I can't really imagine what those "equally valid" reasons could be. If he wants you to share a name, he can change his surely? (I know 2 straight men who have done this, it's not unheard of.) He sounds like a massive sexist wanker honestly.