Marriage and name change

[Goodgonegirl]

Aibu to want to keep my name? My dp and I have opposing views. For a couple of reasons I really want to keep my own name when we get married. My children from a previous relationship have my name, and it is a link to my deceased parents.

I was married before and did change my name briefly but changed it back to my maiden name which I have kept since. My children have this (my maiden name) name also.

From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his. But where do we go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you? He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

[clam]

I got married over 20 years ago and thought long and hard about whether to change my name. In the end, my decision was swung by my desire for us all to have he same family name, once any children came along. Dh said it was entirely up to me.

In your case, however, you already have children with your shared family name, so I would say you must keep it.

The biggest issue here is your fiance's intransigence on the idea. I'd be having a long, hard think about whether there were any other red flags waving alongside this one.

[AyeAmarok]

His reasons are shite.

Yours are extremely valid.

Keep your own name.

[notinagreatplace]

I don't really understand why you're seeing your name as a joint decision that he gets a say in - I didn't even ask my DH what he thought about me keeping my name when we got married. It's your name, it's your decision.

I wouldn't marry someone who felt he had the right to control something as personal as this - what your name is affects you every single day in multiple ways, to me it's just as personal as trying to dictate your hair-cut or your clothes.

On a bit of a tangent but I also never really understand why some women double barrel but their DHs don't - what is the point of doing something that symbolises that you're joining another family but your DH is not?

[notinagreatplace]

Oh, and I don't think you have to justify your decision at all - "I don't want to" is perfectly sufficient.

[KayTee87]

It's your name so his reasons don't really matter and aren't valid at all. If he won't marry you because you won't change your name then you'll have a lucky escape to be honest. If you feel strongly about this and then cave in to his emotional blackmail what else will he blackmail you into? It doesn't set a good start to the marriage really.

[Secretmetalfan]

I took DHs name as I wanted our little family to have the same names and it is easier. Are you likely to have children together. His reasons are just as valid if he sees them that way and is undoubtably tainted by his experience with his ex.

[squoosh]

'His reasons are just as valid if he sees them that way and is undoubtably tainted by his experience with his ex.'

They're really not. It's the OP's name so her opinions and decisions are the only ones that count.

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

Tradition is, as said above, a pretty crap reason.

And I also agree he appears to be u able to separate you and his ex in his head.

I changed my name on marriage for the simple reason that I liked DHs surname better than my own. Otherwise, i would have kept the original. If he's so bothered, tell him he can change his and if he reuses he's clearly not committed.

[IceTippedMountains]

The ex reason is not valid, because your not his ex, he needs to move on.

I kept my maiden name for career and practical reasons (I have two passports, a bank account abroad etc all in my maiden name) all seemed to much faff to change it all for the sake of a name. I also like that my maiden name is my heritage, it is MY identity.

Both our kids are double barrelled.

[PatriciaHolm]

You're not even married and he's already trying to bully and blackmail you into doing something major that you don't want to do.

He sounds like a real charmer.

[JassyRadlett]

His reasons are: it is traditional, and also in his most significant previous relationship, his partner refused to take his name after they planned to marry (they were engaged but never actually married) and then after they split, met someone else, married them and took their name, so he sees it as a lack of commitment, I suppose.

Then why doesn't he change his name to yours if he feels it demonstrates commitment?

[badtime]

I didn't change my name because it seemed like a huge faff for little benefit*. My husband would have preferred me to, but he understood it was actually none of his fucking business.



*I would usually say no benefit, but in my case I would have ended up with really cool initials.

[Blueskyrain]

If he thinks name changing is a sign of commitment, I assume he wouldn't be adverse to changing his own name?

[HeadDreamer]

Well I kept my name and I think it's totally UR for anyone to force me to change my name. It's like I won't accept my DH to tell me what to wear, what to eat or who I talk to. He has no right to tell me what name I want for myself. It's a controlling behaviour. It's all good if you want to change. What will he say if you say it's a deal breaker unless he changes his name to yours?

[Offline]

SecretMetalFan: but your reasons don't work as advice for the OP; the family won't all have the same name because her kids have her name, and it won't be easier for the same reason.

[saddoctor]

I am not English, hence never understand this outdated Victorian tradition which took affect when women were their husbands belonging. I had my professional life before marriage & never changed my name. It has never been an issue.

[saddoctor]

@SueTrinder

Suggest he changes his name to yours and see what he says to that. Bet he won't like it but surely it's the best way to make sure everyone in the family has the same name.

Why should you change your name from the name you share with your parents and children? His reasons for making you change your name cannot be as valid as your reasons for keeping your own name.

I didn't change my name, I don't think I would have married a man who was so insistent that I change my name, so yes, it would be a deal breaker for me. It's my name, no man can tell me to change it. DH's Mum didn't change her name because she came from a culture where women don't change their name. My extremely conservative FIL seems to have coped.

Well said

[saddoctor]

@RoseGoldHippie

100% I will keep my name. If DP wants the same name as me he can change his!

I think your reasons are totally valid (more so than my own tbh) you can't start married life being resentful to your husband for making you chose between him and a link to your past that you clearly hold so dear xx

Good for you. If women bothered to research where & when this outdated Victorian tradition came about ( when women were men's belongings) then they wouldn't do it either

[saddoctor]

@SueTrinder

His reasons are: it is traditional

Like slavery then. Women changed their names historically because their ownership transferred from their father to their husband. That is not a good reason to do it now.

Yes slavery , FGM, bullfighting many other ridiculous & outdated traditions

[Shoxfordian]

Was 5 years ago! Op has either done it or not now


Zombie

[Cocomarine]

@Goodgonegirl

I did consider double barrelling, but both names are long, and wouldn't really work together.

His reasons are: it is traditional, and also in his most significant previous relationship, his partner refused to take his name after they planned to marry (they were engaged but never actually married) and then after they split, met someone else, married them and took their name, so he sees it as a lack of commitment, I suppose .

Yeah… still not seeing “valid”.
Dumping his ex baggage on you? No.
Traditional? 🤣 He’s having sex with you, right? So the validity of his traditionalism is, at best, selective.
In any case - why does “traditional” = “desirable”? It’s just - things that commonly happened in the past.

[LadyJaye]

Gosh, I wonder why is former relationship failed?

On the bright side, OP, at least you've been handed a magnificently garlanded reason to run the fuck away from this right now.

[Cocomarine]

@Shoxfordian

Was 5 years ago! Op has either done it or not now

Zombie

Oooops!

[Getyourownback]

Hopefully not done it. What a twat.

[VestaTilley]

I kept my name. It would have been a dealbreaker for me, yes.

To me it’s a huge red flag that he says he won’t marry you if you won’t change your name - it’s controlling and manipulative. Plus it would also mean having a different name to the children you already have.

I wouldn’t do this, and I’d not marry a man who insisted I do. My DS has my surname and my DH’s surname double barrelled.