Marriage and name change

[Goodgonegirl]

Aibu to want to keep my name? My dp and I have opposing views. For a couple of reasons I really want to keep my own name when we get married. My children from a previous relationship have my name, and it is a link to my deceased parents.

I was married before and did change my name briefly but changed it back to my maiden name which I have kept since. My children have this (my maiden name) name also.

From his point of view, he has his own equally valid reasons for wanting me to change my name to his. But where do we go from here? Would this be a deal breaker for you? He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his.

[Sandsnake]

His insistence that you change your name or he won't marry you means you shouldn't marry him. I think it's a bit of a red flag to be honest.

[specialsubject]

It is traditional -so was burning witches at one time. Irrelevant. Btw was he happy to have non-traditional premarital sex?

Previous partner - irrelevant.

Why does your surname make any difference to him?

Not liking the total unwillingness to compromise over this trivial issue....

[gallicgirl]

Call his bluff. He does sound like a bully though

[garlicandsapphire]

Its entirely up to you if you want to change your name. Its very common for women with careers to maintain their own name - its their name afterall, and taken them through life till now and professionally it makes sense for continuity. Why should you be labelled as his? Stupid bleedin tradition - it has nothing to do with love, respect and commitment and his insistence that he wont marry you otherwise doesn't either. He sounds like a dick, sorry OP. What kind of man issues such ultimatums? He should be honoured you'd consider marrying him.

[MsJamieFraser]

Where did your name come from OP, birth it marriage? If birth I would say it was fine, if marriage then I personally would be not be happy with this.

[FuzzyOwl]

Of course YANBU to want to keep your own name and I am sure you know this.

My DH hates me keeping my maiden name but respects and accepts the fact that I have done.

[charlybs]

If he's saying he's not going to marry you if you don't take his name then don't marry him. That's a ridiculous thing for him to say.

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

Deal breaker.

My husband isn't happy about it, but he'd rather marry me than not at all.

If it was a deal breaker for him, that would be a deal breaker for me. Insecure, stubborn, immature.

[Goodgonegirl]

Jamiefraser - birth. It s my deceased parents surname.

[SueTrinder]

His reasons are: it is traditional

Like slavery then. Women changed their names historically because their ownership transferred from their father to their husband. That is not a good reason to do it now.

[EllaHen]

I know that I couldn't marry a man who insisted I did anything let alone change my name.

Please don't acquiesce - I've a feeling you may end up regretting it.

[RiverTam]

I would think long and hard over marrying this man. For him to refuse to marry you because of not taking his name is ridiculous, particularly given your reasons, but frankly you could have the crappest reasons in the world and it wouldn't matter, you changing your name is your choice and your choice only.

Tradition is a shit reason, does he think you are his possession?

[SoupDragon]

He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his

Then I would not be getting married. And I say that as someone who changed their name.

[stitchglitched]

If he wants to share a name with you he is welcome to change his. Why should you have a different name to your children? He thinks he can dictate your identity and give you ultimatums when your name is none of his business. And some traditions suck.

[MsJamieFraser]

I'm sorry I hate the line of slavery, once a moon agonit very much was, and still can be, however in this day and age t is not slavery!

I took my husbands name because I wanted to, in my professional life I have a different name.

However this was my choice, my friends just got married and they took their husbands name, my other friend, her husband took her name. That was their choice.

[TurnipCake]

He is adamant that he will not get married if I don't change my name to his

Then please do yourself a favour and don't marry him.

Getting married next year, conversation went something like this

Me: Does it bother you at all that I won't be changing my name?
Him: No

End of.

My ex wanted me to change my name if we got married for the 'it's traditional' excuse, but after a few pints it was because he was worried his friends would think he was "p*ssywhipped". Knob. Thank God I didn't.

[itsbetterthanabox]

I think that's very controlling of him. He sees himself as more important than you. He's trying to threaten you with cancelling the wedding so you do as he says and give up your identity.
I think he's showing you what kind of man he is.

[MarklahMarklah]

He's being ridiculous.
I'm nearly 50, and got married some decades ago. When DH and I were making wedding plans etc. I mentioned that I would most likely double barrel my surname. He said "Okay, whatever you're happy with."

I don't understand why women are expected to change their names and men are not. Your name doesn't matter, but mutual respect does.

[HermioneWeasley]

His reasons are not equally valid

He's controlling and probably misogynist if he thinks these "traditions" are valid

[Chasingsquirrels]

His 'equally valid' reasons are a pile of crap.

I've recently remarried, I had changed to my 1st H name after a few years of marriage and our children have that name.
I didn't revert on divorce and have not now changed on re-marriage, so I still have my exH name.
DH appears to care not one jot (maybe he does and is hiding it well).
I think I said ages ago that I wouldn't change, it was never mentioned again.
He was diagnosed with inoperable cancer shortly after we booked our wedding date, and I did entertain thoughts of changing my name but decided not to.
I asked him after we married if he thought I would change my name or if it bothered him, he said no and not at all.
He occasionally calls me Mrs His-name, affectionately - mainly in a 'come here Mrs X'. It makes me smile, because of when and how he does it. If he did it when other people were about it would annoy me as it isn't my name.

I have no time at all for anyone who thinks a person should change their name if that person doesn't want to.

[44PumpLane]

I got married and kept my name, mainly because I like my name! My husband didn't give me his opinion on whether he wanted me to change my name because it was my choice.

We're expecting twin girls and will be double barrelling their surnames so I highly suspect that when they come to get married they'll probably choose to change their surnames- which will be their right.

The choice is yours, you need to have a serious discussion with him about why he feels he has the right to demand you change your name.

[LabMonkey]

I didn't change my name and the children have my name too. So much easier not to bother, it's a very outdated tradition.

[Julia001]

Is his name Rob Titchenor?

[katemess12]

It's YOUR name and you're under no obligation to change it.

Ask him to take your name. See how well that goes down.

Can't stand men like this. "It's traditional blah blah blah". Yeah, well tradition also had women slaving over hot ovens and doing all of the child rearing while their husbands did fuck all.

[vvmama92]

Currently having the same conversation with my DP. My children have my surname (I was never married to their father), his children have his. He has a double-barrelled surname already so double-barrelling isn't an option.

We are both reasonably happy for us both to keep our own surnames after we marry, but then would come the conversation of the surnames of any future children we have together. It feels like an endless circle. DP's oldest son says he would be happy to take my surname as it's "cool" apparently! Absolutely no help to you, OP, but at least you know you're not alone!