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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a hobby with my DH?

78 replies

ChampagneTastes · 01/10/2016 20:35

Be gentle. Well as gentle as you can be in AIBU. DH and I are, I think, drifting into the world of housemates. We've never been the most romantic pair and we are starting to just exist together, albeit quite comfortably.

We also have quite different interests so while I might be here researching nineteenth century radicals, he's happy on the floor with a pile of lego. My thought was that if we did something together regularly, something that neither of us has done before, then it might build some closeness. The suggestion was met with a "look" and a dismissal of every idea I came up with.

AIBU? I thought it would be nice. DH seems to think it would be a ballache.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 01/10/2016 20:41

Me and my husband need this too, I totally get it! We used to go to rugby together but since having ds it's become impossible a lot of the time. Now we hardly do anything as a couple and don't get to spend much time together, it worries me.

Is there a skill or hobby you would both like to learn? You could try a one off class / taster in something and see how you get on?

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 01/10/2016 20:44

Well this was my thought. We have a DS so a regular thing might be a bit pricey when you take into account babysitters. But DH just seems to be horrified by the thought of ANYTHING.

I suggested fencing because we both think it looks utterly cool but he has just gone quiet in his "I am hoping you'll stop talking about this and forget about it" way.

I have suggested: martial arts, fencing, a language. None of these have resulted in any enthusiasm at all. Sad

OP posts:
HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 01/10/2016 20:44

Why not its nice to do things together make him open up to the idea

roasted · 01/10/2016 20:50

TBF, all of the things you've suggested take effort and skill. Is there anything you both might like that's a bit more passive? Like catching a film together or going to see a show? It might just be laziness putting him off!

BestZebbie · 01/10/2016 20:50

Is the problem that he thinks anything new would eat into time he currently spends on just himself (so the new thing would probably be less fun to him as it is competing with the most fun thing in his week), or that he feels it would be too much effort/another thing to schedule around?

If it is the latter, does it actually have to be a New Hobby, or could you just have a weekly film night on the sofa with nice desserts together?
If the former, I have no solution unless you want to develop your own interest in LEGO. :-)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2016 20:53

If I did a hobby with my DH that would probably end our marriage. We have very different approaches to things.

We do like talking to each other about our separate individual hobbies.

What did you enjoy doing together before DC?

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 20:57

Agree with roasted and best

He has a hobby. Doesn't want / have time or energy for a new one.

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 01/10/2016 21:00

Erm. We went to a few concerts and comedy nights but we've never had THAT much in common really. We have been talking about getting a dog and I think that that might work as a shared interest. I suppose I am very eager to do something that is "improving" in some way so I take your point, maybe something less pressured might be better.

I can't take up Lego, he just slaps it out of my hand when I do it wrong.

OP posts:
Jaimx86 · 01/10/2016 21:05

Have you got an indoor climbing centre nearby? That will need the two of you to develop a lot of trust.

claraclutterbuck · 01/10/2016 21:07

just go out for dinner and drinks?

There is no way that I would do an activity such a those above with my DH as our tastes differ (which is what makes us who we are) I have friends for those, but we do go out for dinner, drinks, cinema, loads of holidays etc

JeanSeberg · 01/10/2016 21:10

can't take up Lego, he just slaps it out of my hand when I do it wrong

Doesn't sound too brilliant ..

User14625592 · 01/10/2016 21:12

Yanbu to want this. The fact he doesn't means you are probably going to end up disappointed!

Walking a dog together sounds doable though.

Sounds strange you got married at all based on what you have said so far.

bluesbaby · 01/10/2016 21:12

I don't recommend climbing together. If there's even a sniff of trust issues these will be blown completely out of proportion if you climb as a pair.

topcat2014 · 01/10/2016 21:17

DW and I were away for a few days (while DD was away with school) and we both did circuit training together in the hotel. Totally out of our normal comfort zones (although we had brought kit - it was a spa type thing).

We really enjoyed it, and may well do it again.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2016 21:17

We used to book a babysitter for a few nights over the next 3 months, with nothing actually planned.

Then we had to find something to do on each of those nights. This meant we went to random stuff and didn't overthink whether we would like it. It tended to be comedy, concerts, hastily arranged dinner with friends, late night museums, dance, theatre, movies, local stuff we wouldn't normally bother with.

This method means that if the event is crap then you can both have a good laugh about it without blaming the person who suggested it. The calendar forced you.

DH who is often useless with this kind of thing, turned out to be good at finding random crap to do. This did involve live football once and something to do with classic cars that bored me nearly to tears but we did bond. Trauma bonding maybe.

AGenie · 01/10/2016 21:21

Dh and I used to love building IKEA furniture together but that got tricky once the house was full of furniture. If dh likes lego might you consider doing a DIY hobby at home together. Possibly one that requires nice tools?

CaveMum · 01/10/2016 21:23

Have a crack at dancing! It doesn't matter if you don't think you can do it, everyone can dance uts just a question if finding the right style for you. Start with something simple like Salsa or Ceroc and if you find you like it you can have a try at Ballroom or Latin.

User14625592 · 01/10/2016 21:24

All this what you all do or did is no use if one party isn't interested as he clearly isn't!

RunnyRattata · 01/10/2016 21:26

From another perspective, DH has started to try to involve himself in a hobby of mine. Drives me fucking nuts and so I think you might need to do something very passive and new together as your DH is obviously a solo Legoer.

Vvlgari · 01/10/2016 21:29

How outdoorsy are you? DH and I got into geocaching a couple of years ago which has led to some really good walks and discovering new places.

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 21:29

How did you meet, what did you do before you got married?

If you only 'went to a few concerts and comedy nights' together before you got married it sounds as though perhaps you didn't really know each other that well? DH and I met through a joint volunteering activity so we had loads in common before we started 'dating' (now married 30 years Grin). To be honest our hobbies have now drifted in different directions over the last 30 years but at least we have loads to talk about and a lot of shared history. We kept up the 'joint interest' until a couple of years ago.

DementedUnicorn · 01/10/2016 21:31

Can you not do your researching at the same time as he's doing his Lego?

Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 01/10/2016 21:34

Runrabbit that is a genius idea! Just going out for dinner will just result in the ordinary every day talk we always have so having to DO something on a set evening is a fantastic thought.

I should emphasise that I was kidding about the Lego (although you should see him when we try doing DIY together, it's brutal).

We are very well suited in terms of temperament, politics, outlook, humour. Just we are both quite self-sufficient (he more so than me) and so we are in danger of ending up in different rooms doing different things and only speaking to say goodnight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChampagneTastes · 01/10/2016 21:48

Geocaching got a mild nod of approval from DH - good call! We have been together for the best part of a decade - it's a solid marriage, honestly! It's just that we don't really have shared interests.

And yeah, we sit in the same room and do our own thing or watch telly together. I just worry that we don't engage as much as we might. I want to do something "improving" but I don't want to go off and do something without him. Maybe I'm just horribly needy.

OP posts:
dybil · 01/10/2016 21:53

Something we really enjoy doing at home together is making fruit wines and meads. In season, this can be combined with fruit picking too. We also have some mead with Christmas spices on the go and will probably gift some bottles at Xmas.

And then you get to drink it together :D